Monday, April 26, 2010

Returning the Shit to the Rightful Owner


You made me do it.
I couldn't help myself.
I don't know what came over me.
You're so beautiful....
If you hadn't have dressed that way...
What did you expect when you said/did/wore that?
It's your fault.
If you hadn't have done .......




Do you find yourself collecting other people's garbage? Being a general dumping ground?

Husband and I had a big argument this weekend. The gist of it is that every thing I do makes him want sex. He's a man, after all. I told him he had two options - I could be Miss Ice Woman except when I was interested and willing to "do the deed." ~~ Or I could be myself, giving him hugs and kisses, putting my arm on his, holding his hand while walking, and he needs to learn that it doesn't mean I am dying to run home and hop in bed all the time.

My attempts at being reasonable went unheard. He started fighting nasty and saying mean things comparing me to my sister (which I think is a compliment, but he obviously did not mean it that way). Since I can't win a fight of your family versus mine, and because frankly I find it disgusting to make fun of someone's family in a fight, and down right dirty, I just walked off.

He did write a note of "apology" which was more akin to, "I shouldn't have said it, but you deserved it." In the note, and in most of the discussions we've had, he says things like, "you're so beautiful, I can't help but be attracted to you." "You're so attractive, I can't help but want to be with you." Yada Yada Yada.

It sat wrong with me. It turned my stomach. But I didn't connect the dots until this morning.

I have lived my life connected with people that make excuses. Toilet made excuses - it was the alcohol, not seeing his children, the way I dressed, the way I acted........My dad made excuses - it was my mom's fault, the way she acted, the alcohol, his job.........Mom made excuses - it was dad's fault, she didn't know what to do, she had no other choice.

Does ANYONE take responsibility for themselves?

Me, on the other hand, will accept all the blame I deserve, and everyone else's. Want to blame someone else? Walk right over here and dump it on me. I'll take it.

So I'm in the process now of sorting through where I am legitimately responsible and where I am not. Then I'll gather up all the shit that has been dumped on me and load it back where it goes. Make way for the return of your own shit. The garbage truck is making deposits everywhere.

11 comments:

From Tracie said...

Good for you! I'm one of the people who need to gather up all the shit and send it back where it belongs...it is such a pattern for me I don't often even realize that I am taking someone else's guilt and blame until after the fact.

hearttoheart said...

Even if there were no abuse in your personal background, the physical part of your relationship would very likely be a source of conflict, men and women in general are wired differently. I've already got into hot water before on another blog when I said this but in general men tend to have a higher sexual drive when they are younger and women tend- I said tend to have a higher drive as they get older and the guys tends to taper off just a little as they get older- When there is friction in the sexual realm it's often times symptomatic of problems elsewhere in the relationship- ie. if you don't feel nurtured, respected,loved, etc. then there is going to be conflict. If hunting and nascar are his first love, and you feel like you're second fiddle, then by golly, you're not nearly as interested in meeting his needs for sexual intimacy compared to if you did feel like you were @ the top of his priority list. We have been in your shoes as a couple (excluding the abuse issue) and it is a tough place to be. I would encourage both of you to open up this area of your relationship as a couple w/ the person you have got together with in the past for counseling....there are answers, there is hope. your friend dm

lawyerchik said...

That was a great post, Enola. And you're right: so much is wrong with the world because people want to off-load their garbage onto someone else. They refuse to acknowledge or take responsibility for their own crap. Nice call.

Lynx217 said...

I have the same problem. Being blamed for everything growing up I struggle still to not take the blame for everything and everyone else. I remember once rushing to clean up a mess that the bf had made shortly after we got together. He was like OMG you're not my slave... I made the mess I'll clean it up. Now when it's a big mess I still clean it up but because I'm so good at it LOL. But it is still a struggle for me to not take it all on myself. Thanks for the post... you just have a way with words...

Ethereal Highway said...

I love this post! Go for it, Enola. (And if it makes you feel any better, I'm absolutely certain my car problems are in no way your fault. :-)

beauty said...

I used to have the habit of saying "I'm sorry" all the time, even when there wasn't the slightest chance that whatever happened was my fault. It was an automatic reflex. A woman I didn't know well (the girlfriend of a friend) brought it to my attention one evening with her typical bluntness. "Do you realize you've apologized to me 5 times in the last hour?" she said. "Knock it off, not everything's your fault!"

I'm not as bad as I used to be, but like a lot of individuals who've been abused I've had a tendency to hold myself responsible for things I have nothing to do with.

Good for you that you see the false guilt for what it is, and don't allow yourself to get sucked into your hubby's blaming manipulations!

Colleen said...

Like Tracie, I too tend to take on others guilt and blame without even realizing I am doing it. But I am getting better. Good for you!

prochaskas said...

Great post -- and I love the title.

Prayers.

Rising Rainbow said...

More boundary issues, that's for sure. It'll be a good thing to identify what you are responsible for and what you are not. Just remember in that process you are only responsible for what you have control over in the first place and that is a whole other can of worms.

You're on the right track, Enola!

Just Call Me...Elle said...

Excellent, TOTALLY feeling you on that!

Marj aka Thriver said...

LOL! I love this saying! Good for you, Enola! I was doing some therapy anger exercises years ago and I did this exercise where I took a nerf ball and flung it against the wall and yelled, "You can have this back! This is your shit, not mine! I don't want it anymore!"

This is such a huge survivor issue, Enola. Whether it has to do specifically with sex or not. Thanks for bringing it up here, Enola.