Before I began dealing with the abuse, I lived life separated from others by a thick wall. Very few people got through. I didn't talk about the abuse. I didn't acknowledge the abuse. I didn't admit it had any affect on me.
Life put a few cracks in my wall. I let people in, let life in, and suffered a few injuries. But I still was plenty protected.
Through the therapy process I began tearing down sections of the wall. I thought that this was the solution and I would live life free!
In the past year I have stopped counseing, come of medication, stopped blogging and moved on to the Post-Abuse world. I have talked in terms of healED instead of healING. I patted myself on the back for surviving and waited for life to change now that I had finished the race. And I waited....and waited...and waited......
I still process things through the filter of being an abused child. It's like there is an internal filter that all life experiences go through.
The filter has changed with therapy, for sure. Whereas before very few things got through, now more and more comes in. I feel emotions now and can deal with them somewhat. The stuff that is let in doesn't instantly and always produce level 10 earthquake-type panic attacks. I expected that to change with time, healing and therapy and it has.
What I, perhaps naively, expected was a post-abuse, it doesn't bother or affect me anymore, change. I'm learning that this is not going to happen, and perhaps isn't possible.
Abuse changed me. It shaped who I was then and who I am now. I will never trust people like I would have if I hadn't been abused. I will never recover from a breach of trust like I might have otherwise. I will never handle someone coming up behind me the same way. Abuse is no longer a brick wall, but it remains a screen.
I can see things and be seen. But there will always be that screen through which everything is filtered.
What I am learning is that everyone has screens. They are different shapes, sizes and colors, but they are there. Everyone sees the world differently, shaped and guided by their life experiences. I just have to learn that a large part of mine is my childhood experiences. They can't go away. They can become less of a hinderance but they will always be there.
The next step -- figuring out what to do with this realization. How do I get others to acknowledge my screen, respect it, and see their own screens?