Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The Big Brown Blob

On my kitchen wall hangs a huge calendar. It is the desk top calendar type with big blocks, which I fill with writing. Each family member is assigned a color. At a glance I can see who is going where and who has what going on. If the calendar is filled with "orange" (husband's color) then I know I need to fill in with some "purple" (my color). And there definitely needs to be a good emphasis of red (family color).

When I was a little child, I learned that blending all the colors together made a big brown mess. Bugaboo loves to "cow-ar" (color) lately and most of his paintings end up looking like a big brown blob.

My life feels a bit like a big brown blob right now.

School starts soon. My life feels a bit on hold as we await the all-important notice to find out who will be Munchkin's teacher this year. She's also signed up to play soccer. We find out teams and practice nights at the end of this week. So my already rainbow colored calendar is going to be even more filled when I add in all those items. Hunting season starts soon and lots of orange is going to be creeping into the calendar soon. Because Husband is still working second shift (and that won't be changing any time in the near future) his hunting all day Saturday will really be cutting into family time. All of this puts more stress on me who already has all the stress of the children after work/school in the evenings. Juggling the calendar and making sure we aren't overbooked is my responsibility, and I typically do it well.

Perhaps all of these impending changes explain the rising anxiety I feel. The jittery feeling that wo
n't go away. The tightness in my chest and inability to catch a full breath. Perhaps it has to do with the doctor's appointment reminder call telling me about Bugaboo's doctor's appointment which I had completely forgot and which is not at all on the calendar. (how did that happen?)

In the past I would have some sense of security in church. I knew that on Wednesday evenings and Sunday mornings I would be seeing much of my support network. People that I could just walk by and get a pat on the shoulder or a hug. People that can joke with me about school starting and the school supply rush. Those encounters two times a week kept me going. I don't go to that church anymore. Several of the people I considered friends have "unfriended" me on facebook. I miss my twice daily dose of cheer and pick-me-ups.

I don't do well with chaos and uncertainty. I have found myself redecorating and reorganizing my house. We disassembled the crib and reorganized furniture between the kids' rooms this weekend. I have purged old documents and all the dollar-store crappy toys that seem to accumulate. All of this is an attempt to find some sense of normalcy and organization, at least in my physical surroundings.

But there is something else out there. I can't put my finger on it. I know a lot of this "Thing" is the uncertainty that has resulted from leaving my church. But that doesn't explain the increase in panic attacks and intrusive pictures/memories that keep popping into my head lately. I don't know what that comes from.

I figure if things are much better next week after I have learned and planned for the school routine and schedules, then it is probably just back-to-school stress. If not, then I need to dig a little deeper. There is this nagging voice in my head that says there are some undealt with issues/memories trying to surface - but I keep beating that voice back into submission.


lawyerchik said...

[[[[[HUG]]]]] Hang in there, Enola. And keep us posted.

misssrobin said...

That last little bit made me smile.

I kept thinking, I think I know what this is.

I get this. I'm dealing with it now, in fact. I do not know for sure that this is what is happening for you.

But if this were me, and I were feeling that way, it would definitely be a prepratory phase as new memories/issues are coming forth. Mine started a couple of weeks ago. Fear came first. Yesterday came tons of pain.

And I've been pushing it back, too. I just can't have a meltdown right now.

And while it is daunting and a little threatening to know it's coming (because it will eventually push through all walls), it is also a blessing.

This little warning that says get ready. Make sure you have all your support in place. Make sure you are eating well and sleeping. Pray more, study the scriptures more, draw closer to Him.

Sometimes the fear keeps me from doing this. But I am going to start today. Somehow, you have inspired me to quit pushing back and prepare myself.

God bless you as you get things settled and face whatever challenge is coming your way.

I'm sorry you've lost some support lately. I am happy to be there for you. Email me if you want another willing soul on your side.

You are doing wonderful things and have earned those blessings that He is just waiting to pour out to you. You can do this. And you will not be alone.

mark said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ethereal Highway said...

(Oh fer cryin out loud. I hate sharing a computer. I keep forgetting I'm a 'guest' on this thing! Anyway - This was my comment:)

I understand, Enola. I had one of those flood dreams the day before yesterday. An angry kid accused me of 'holding a pillow over his mouth' (because I have had to stow my stuff to take care of business). Dreaming of flooding, dams breaking, etc., is usually a warning of impending memory for me - a warning of 'flooding' on the horizon. The next day I dreamed that I was packing up to move out of the grandparents' house (stow my stuff) and roots and vines kept popping up through the floor to try to entangle me (a kid threatening to flood me in retaliation for leaving her there). I've been under a lot of stress, too. I worry that I, like you, might soon lose important places where I used to get the support necessary to keep me going. Financial stress triggers me to start with because of what happened to me when the dirtball abandoned me and I had to sleep in my car in the snow and ice while I was pregnant, sick, bleeding and supposed to be on bed rest. And also because it reminds of when I was a kid living with very unpreditable people and having to constantly worry about what horrible thing might happen to me next and feeling like I had no real security and no one to care for me or help me with things.