Sunday, March 28, 2010
I am loving the spring weather. The cherry trees are in bloom. The trees all have buds on them. I can sit outside and bask in the sun without a jacket. The kids can wear themselves out playing.
Bugaboo had his eighteen month assessment and it was determined he needed physical therapy to assist him in learning to walk. His center of balance seems to be off and he is not "stacking" his weight properly which has to do with the way he distributes his weight forward and more to one side. He gets PT once a week and then we work with him at home. For someone that can't walk, he sure gets around. He can also climb anything. I regularly find him sitting on top of a couch, chair or counter that I swore he could never master.
We went to an Easter egg hunt today. Bugaboo was content to put the "balls" (as he called them) in and out of the basket. Munchkin raced up the hill to get all the eggs she could. The other parents were crazy - tucking their kids up under their arms like footballs and tacking anyone who got in their way. All over some plastic eggs with candy inside. I was pleased that Munchkin acted politely. And experienced a bit of "ha ha" attitude when I found out she won a grand prize. Kindness gets you far sometimes......technology does not. My camera and computer had a fight and destroyed all my pictures.
Last weekend I went away on my long scrapbook weekend that I had won. Ten friends and I travelled to a scrapbook cabin and store. We worked on our books all day Friday, shopped at some outlets Saturday, and then scrapped some more. We ate great food, drank some good drinks, laughed more than I thought possible and had an awesome time.
I have discovered Pandora - where you can put in a song that you like and it will play similar style music. You then give each selection a thumbs up or thumbs down to help the site continue to pick good selections. I'm enjoying music I would never have discovered on my own.
Husband is still unemployed. However, his attitude and effort has done a 180. He has been working really hard in his counseling sessions. I can tell a real difference. Things aren't perfect, but they are better.
We leave Thursday late for my sister's house. I am excited to celebrate Easter with family. We will go to an egg hunt and kids' event one day. We will celebrate my nephew's birthday while there. Then we are going to a church event which is a traditional Passover meal. And church on Sunday. I bought matching Easter outfits for the kids - forgetting Sister's church is uber-casual. Oh well, they will look cute for Bugaboo's 18 month pictures which I need to have done.
I am ready for spring. Bring on the flowers, warm weather and sunshine. I plan to wean off my depression meds when the sun starts making a regular appearance. I'm hoping it will help in the losing weight effort, although I am down 13 pounds so far.
And ....that's all folks....
Saturday, March 27, 2010
It's a great edition. Mike says, "As you know, with this month being the month St. Patrick’s Day falls, and your host having quite a bit of Irish blood flowing in his veins, I wanted to focus on the way I view my Irish heritage. I’ve always considered the Irish to be a people that managed to live through their suffering by always looking forward, always willing to enjoy what they have to look forward to, and apply that to survivors....."
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
but written by Christian authors. The book detailed reproduction and how to have sex - think tab A into slot B type stuff. It was detailed without being gross. per my friend's suggestion, Husband and I read a chapter out loud at a time. It forced us to say certain words to each other, that before had only been whispered or giggled. The book did a great job of discussing the "myths of sex," such as the honeymoon night is going to be full of fireworks. It dealt with reality and the differences between men and women. (the book was written in the 70s so we had lots of laughs at some of the language and pictures)
That was the extent of my Husband's education about the world of sex and marriage. Thank goodness for that book. However, even though it was a great book, it missed a lot.
So here I am, left to deal with these huge barriers my Husband has, as well as all his misconceptions. He has learned to be appropriately affectionate with our children. He enjoys their kisses and hugs and snuggles. He still gets uncomfortable holding hands or embracing in front of his parents, but I don't see that ever changing. The biggest problem is the lessons he learned from movies and porn --- that all men are huge, that every encounter causes fireworks, that men and women ravish each other 3 times a day every day, and that women want sex all the time just like men. Given that men tend to joke in a fashion that only encourages those myths, it is hard for any man to accept reality.
Discerning what is real and accepting it is the task my Husband needs to accomplish, and I know it will not be easy. For him...or me.
Monday, March 15, 2010
My name is Leora. During my training to become a clinical psychologist, I have
become interested -- both personally and professionally -- in issues of identity
and the role technology plays in the formation of identity. I have created this
study in the hopes of adding a new dimension to our current understanding of the
role that blogging plays in people's interpersonal worlds. In this study I aim
to better understand the inner lives of a variety of bloggers, each of whom will
add a distinct and personal perspective. I hope you will join me!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
As I wrote about in my last post, I'm having lots of trouble with flashbacks and the interplay between this situation and my childhood. It causes me not to know how to act or what to do.
I went to T wanting some answers to questions. Should I block the internet entirely? Should I monitor his computer use? What happens when he says that my refusing to help means a delay in receiving his unemployment check? What do I need to get rid of in the house? What temptations might there be that I am not considering? Do I check his email and print it out? What if a job prospect contacts him?
Then the more nitty-gritty - if my failure to have sex often enough has contributed to his looking at junk, what effect will my refusal to have sex with him at all right now, do? If he is drawn toward junk depicting women and men having sex and the woman enjoying it, then what happens if we sleep together again? Do I take acting lessons so I portray enough enjoyment? What is enough?
How much reassurance must I give him and what happens when his needs and my needs collide?
T told me to slow down. I can't look for solutions now and have to settle for not having all the answers. I got into the "Fix It" mode. And not just fix it, but fix it NOW! I can not clean the house good enough to get rid of all temptations. I can not take a pill which teaches me to act good enough to satisfy him.
T also said something interesting - that any solution now is going to itself, appear pornographic. If I try to fix Husband's feeling deprived of sex, then that is going to feel degrading to me and as if I'm operating as a sex slave. If I try to dress more provocatively to keep Husband's attention on me, that will feel slutty. If I force myself to sit down beside him and monitor his computer usage, that makes me some kind of servant or hall monitor to him.
This is his battle to fight. I need to resist the urge to fix it, fix him or fix me. Not to say changes don't need to be made. But they need to be made deliberately and without rushing in. Which is a temptation I struggle with.
In the meantime I'm trying to stay busy. To not obsess over reading all the "Helping your Man with his Addiction" books out there. To avoid all the internet articles. To just "be" and let things happen in their course. It's a long road ahead.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Husband says he looks at people having sex because he likes to see the women enjoying themselves. He doesn't think I do.
Toilet says, "Look I'm the adult, but you wanted it. You enjoyed it."
He says he told me we should have gotten rid of Cinemax sooner.
Is this movie okay to watch? It's rated PG. Oh no there is a girl and guy kissing - oh no they are in bed. Should I go to my room? I'd have to walk by him. I know what he is doing in the chair behind me.
He says he only thinks of me.
He says he only thinks of me.
He says all men do it.
Toilet says I'm a prude. Everyone does it.
He says I should let him use the computer to fill out his weekly unemployment certification. I can turn it on, set it up, watch him - monitor him. Otherwise I'm being mean. Don't I want things to go smoothly? Well...he could go to the library but I napped all day. If it doesn't get done today, the check will be late - do I want that?
Don't fight. It makes your mom sad...Do this. It makes your mom happy. Then things are smooth. We get to do more. Don't you want to do fun things? Come take a ride with me. I'll buy you something. Your mom likes it when we get along. Don't you want her to be happy?
Husband flips the channel....says he'll be doing that a lot. Because now he can't watch some things....if I want him to get "better."
Well, I'd do that but I wouldn't want you to get upset ....since you are overly sensitive you know.
Don't tell anyone. How dare you call them? How can I look at them again? I can't believe you told. Do you want me to step down as a church leader?
Don't tell anyone. You wouldn't want to have to move out, would you? Or him to go to jail and we lose our house.
You're going to have to work through this.
You need to get over this. Move on. Forget about it.
I know Husband does not equal Toilet but right now I'm having a really hard time separating the two.