Comments on ~Enola~: Giving Mom the Boot ?? - my sarcastic side emerge...

Prochakas - I'm not sure what you mean by projecti...

2008-07-17T15:28:00.000-05:00

Prochakas - I'm not sure what you mean by projecting, but I can assure you I don't have to project any bad motives onto my mother. She takes care of that all on her own, master manipulator that she is.

Enola,Don't let other peoples own issues put confu...

2008-07-17T15:11:00.000-05:00

Enola,
Don't let other peoples own issues put confused thoguhts in your mind.
You know your mother took the side of your abuser.
You know that she is a manipulator.
It isn't in your head.

Believe your own feelings. They are truth.

I give you the benefit of the doubt, knowing that ...

2008-07-17T14:18:00.000-05:00

I give you the benefit of the doubt, knowing that you know your family members and your history with them a whole lot better than I do.

In my own therapy we're trying to talk about to what extent my perceptions and interpretations about other people are really just projections of stuff I've internalized from the past... I assume that you are aware of the possibilities of projecting and that you can tell when you are and when you aren't.

As hard as things are for me right now, I cannot i...

2008-07-16T23:11:00.000-05:00

As hard as things are for me right now, I cannot image how much more difficult they would be if I still had deceitful manipulators in my life. I would probably lose it and go off on someone. It's better this way.

I guess I'm the only one who wonders if her comput...

2008-07-16T18:53:00.000-05:00

I guess I'm the only one who wonders if her computer is really on the blink? Since that was the day that you all communicated and the next day, still an off day for her, she showed as being logged into IM. If her computer was broken & still is, I guess it shows her as still being logged in. So is it?

I feel like your grandmother capitalized "TALK" as a hint for you to pick up the telephone and call your mother. The story goes that your mother's computer isn't working so you are supposed to say, "Talk, that's right, that's what people did before computers, what a great idea!" and call her. Because I guess you're the only one who can pick up a telephone and dial someone's(as in your mother's) phone number. Yeah, right.

So I wonder how long it will take before she breaks down and either calls or e-mails you?

bd wrote:"It sure does make it easier to break off...

2008-07-16T16:13:00.000-05:00

bd wrote:"It sure does make it easier to break off all contact with our mothers when they do something that helps us justify doing so."

It does. It really does. I got my out when my mother destroyed a painting I gave her and lied to me about it the day I gave her a forgiveness letter. It didn't undo the forgiveness, but like Kahless points out, cutting out the poison can be healthy. It's just incredibly difficult to make that sort of break with family. I've done it with all family except my sisters and their children and even that is becoming more limited.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Does pregnancy make the mother "stuff" harder to endure? I wonder, not having children, what it's like to be a mom and be pregnant and trying to cope with disappointment with one's own mother.

Good list of questions, counselor. Let me know wh...

2008-07-16T14:31:00.000-05:00

Good list of questions, counselor. Let me know when the hearing is and if it will be available on closed-circuit. :) (KIDDING!! Not that the questions aren't good - they are, and you make very valid points - but I was kidding about the closed-circuit). :)

I was going to say, though, that sometimes with parents, you kind of have to let them have it, especially when they're wrong. I have done that a couple of times, and a) it felt good (guilty for a while, but that feeling wasn't fatal), and b) it provoked good discussions with my parents.

I've done this a couple of times with both of them, and after they got over the mad/hurt/pushing buttons phase, they listened. If they hadn't, we would still be not talking..... But they did, and it actually made my relationship with them better.

Particularly since the scope of the questions demonstrates the underlying issue, which is that if your mom really about things cared like she says she does, she would make choices that would let her do what she says she wants to do. Instead, her choices demonstrate that her words and her actions lack congruence, and therefore, cannot be reliable.....

But that's easy enough to acknowledge/recognize - it's harder to acknowledge or recognize that mother chooses something else over her children.

Sending you big HUGS today, Enola. I would be glad to let you share my mom!

Its hard to break off contact but can be great not...

2008-07-16T13:01:00.000-05:00

Its hard to break off contact but can be great not to have the crap in your life. I think it is healthy too to cut out poison from our lives.

It sure does make it easier to break off all conta...

2008-07-16T09:32:00.000-05:00

It sure does make it easier to break off all contact with our mothers when they do something that helps us justify doing so.

I know that I myself needed a justification to end my relationship with my mom---as if her not protecting me as a child, and the way she's consistently not been there for me since isn't reason enough.

The last time I saw my mother, she played right into my hands. She couldn't have been more cruel and insensitive if she stayed awake nights for weeks, plotting how best to insult me. (I'm often wondered if she didn't do just that, purposely hit every sore spot so that I'd end our relationship and by doing so end up the bad guy. Then she got to be the poor victim who just didn't understand why I would do such a thing!)

It sounds like you're just plain worn out with all your mother issues. I don't blame you a bit. You have to ask yourself if what it costs to continue this relationship is worth what you're getting out of it. From what I can see, that's not much--or nothing. But only you can make that judgment call.

I'm sorry your mother hasn't changed in all these years. I've experienced (and am still experiencing) the devastation that comes from knowing my mother would rather lose me forever than do anything to change her ways.