~Enola~

WARNING - enraged Big Sister ahead

2009-07-13T11:37:00.005-05:00

My Sister and her husband have had problems. She can be quite demanding and rigid in her ways. He is very immature and childish. Sister spent many years in therapy for her own issues and they have gone through marriage counseling too. I have seen huge changes (for the better) in her. My husband has observed those changes too.

Despite my sister's maturing ways, BIL hasn't changed much. Just before he left for Iraq, there was a huge incident (I wrote about here). Later, I updated some in this prior blog post.

My Sister decided to use the break while BIL was overseas to re-evaluate herself. She decided to give it one more chance, to give her best and see what happened. BIL came back, was wishy-washy about re-enlisting, ended up re-enlisting, got a job promotion and just finished his 2 year degree. Sister started working at a job with handicapped/developmentally-disabled adults, that has the same schedule as the school so she can be home with the kids when they are off. BIL has some minimal contact with his bio dad, but none really with his mom/steo-dad. Things seemed to be going okay.

Until a few months ago.

Sister has some health issues - namely something called gastroparesis which is an inability of her body to process food effectively. So she is on a liquid diet. It's probably stress related. She finally got back on an anti-depressant and was prescribed ambien as well. It seemed that her health was getting better.

Sister called me awhile back, very upset. Between her difficulty talking about it, my being triggered by some of what she was saying, her being upset - it took awhile to get all the details and there are some that I know I've missed, blocked or haven't absorbed. The long and short of it is that Sister told me that BIL raped her and that she woke up, from an ambien-assisted sleep, to find him "having sex with her." It wasn't the first time she woke up to find him making advances. But it had gone much further than ever before. She also told me about incidences where she was startled awake during a long car ride to find him groping her. Major trigger because of the similarities to Toilet's actions. BIL also would come up and grind against her - major trigger there too. BIL blames it on the fact that his step-dad was very touchy-feely/grabby, and so he didn't know any better.

After the last incident, Sister kicked him out of the bedroom and forced him to sleep on the couch downstairs. She can't take the medication any more for fear of what she will sleep through. She also demanded he seek counseling. He did. The counselor said that BIL had many issues - ADHD, depression, PTSD from the two Iraq deployments, and childhood abuse issues.

Sister was giving it time. When they've visited, BIL has still been on the couch. But the fighting was continuing. BIL has a tendency to lie. About everything and anything. Lies to suit whoever he is talking too. Mostly trivial stuff too. He'll tell Sister he needed money for gas; then she'll find out that the gas station debit was for fast food - not gas. He'll forget to do something as promised and then lie and make up an excuse. He always has excuses too. He promised the kids and my sister that he would not re-enlist in the Guard. Then he found out about this significant signing bonus so he did re-enlist and tried to smooth things over by using part of the money to go to Disney.

Sister laid down some ultimatums. BIL didn't follow through. Didn't complete what he needed for school reimbursement. Didn't return the numerous phone calls to the church pastors and leaders. Didn't follow through on regular counseling appointments. Kept insisting Sister let him back into the bedroom. Didn't understand why she was "carrying a grudge."

BIL continues to minimize things, and describe the incident as "groping." He tried to tell Sister that his counselor told him Sister should have moved forward by now. Sister talked to the counselor (with BIL's permission) and that is not true. Counselor told BIL and Sister that this would take years. Also that BIL has to work on getting help with his issues for himself - not just to get back into the bedroom.

BIL attended church with us while we were up visiting. He was upset because all the men in the church were saying, "he we need to get together." He thinks Sister is talking about him. In reality, Sister is trying to get some of the men to reach out to BIL in hopes he will find some good friends to mentor him and hang out with. He also talked with my husband. He continues to minimize things and say Sister is blowing things out of proportion.

The straw that broke the camels back was one of the pastors telling my Sister that she needed to cut him some slack. Sister explained a bit about what was going on and the pastor back-tracked and had his wife speak with Sister. The wife told Sister that BIL needed to move out for awhile. She had another couple in the church contact Sister/BIL. The other couple separated 1 year ago. They are working on their marriage and the husband was very honest with BIL about what needed to happen if BIL wanted the separation to be temporary.

BIL continues to deny the extent of the issues. He is so focused now on figuring out what he will do on his own. He moved out this morning. He has never lived on his own or managed his own money. I do not know how he will cope. He can't make decisions on his own. He needs to learn how. He is on the self-pity stage.

He also minimizes his fault and blames things on Sister being too "sensitive" because of her "childhood issues." I don't know exactly what happened with the "incident." I think Sister told me but I was dissociative during the details so I can't say for sure. Not sure if it was forced sexual intercourse or "just" (insert sarcasm here) touching without consent. My husband (male that he is) sees a difference. I do not. Apparently BIL does too.

Sister feels guilty. She hates that the kids are upset. She is torn between being honest with the kids and telling them too many details. It's just crappy. I don't want to see marriages fall apart, but I do want to kill BIL.

I'm trying to encourage her to get some counseling for herself. But she says she feels "counseled out" and that she has compromised all she is willing to do. So we'll see how it goes.

In any event this has thrown me for a loop. I keep telling myself to, "suck it up buttercup" and that it "doesn't affect me." But it does. Stepping on some major toes. Not exactly sure why or how, but I just know it is. Guess I'll add it to the "List of things I need to Muster Up Energy to Process and Deal with." That list is getting much longer these days.

Information Overload - family secrets

2009-07-07T15:41:00.005-05:00

On one of the days I was on vacation, we all drove over to meet with my step-siblings. Back when my dad re-married, he "inherited" four children. At the time they were aged 3, 10, 13 and 14 (I think). Later he adopted them and their last names were changed. The oldest and the second youngest informed my aunts/uncles that they wanted contact with Sister and I. So we emailed and then met up with them.

Alex is now almost 30. He is a very handsome, tall young man. He is married and has been for 4 years. Adam is 26. He is also tall and handsome. He is married and has been for about 2 years. He's an angry young man.

I can't say that I've made sense of all I learned. It's still meandering around my brain in random order and mayhem. But maybe if I can get it down here in any format, I can make some sense of things. At the very least, I'll have preserved memories before the escape again. So in a somewhat chronological (by time) order, I learned -

The three oldest kids have the same father. (contrary to what we'd been told). Rita was married and had 3 kids. Then divorced (he didn't die like we'd been told). Then married again. That guy committed suicide (didn't have cancer like we'd been told). He had huge gambling debts and had bookies after him. The youngest is his child. Two weeks after his death, she met my father. They were engaged very soon thereafter.

Rita has many siblings, but no contact with any except one. That one is dead now. She did reunite with her mother just before her mother's death.

Rita is hyper-sexual. She has since had a boob job and is now a size DD. She doesn't eat so she is super skinny. I don't know how her tiny frame holds up her chest. We saw pictures dating back years. She has always maintained the bleach blond hair (usually with bad brown roots) and bright red lipstick.

Her nickname is shotsie - based on what she does with shot glasses when dancing and/or tending bar. 'Nough said.

Even throughout the marriage with dad, she would go on "benders" and go back to bartending.

Dad enjoyed showing her off. He enjoyed the attention her looks attracted. But if anyone made a move, he got mad. Rita liked to reciprocate and flirt back. There were lots of fights over this.

Rita and Dad thought normal kids' playing was being too rowdy. All the kids were evaluated for ADD/ADHD at some time and medicine was often forced.

Adam was hospitalized in a mental ward for 1 week as a young teen. There was nothing wrong with him other than being a normal teenager.

The daughter was likely "pimped out" to her mother's boyfriends. She shows many of the mentally ill signs that her mother displays. I wonder how much is mental illness and how much is abuse-aftermath.

Rita is definitely bipolar. Likely suffers from multiple personalities/DID. Likes to self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, horse tranquilizers, her kids' ritalin and other medications. Her kids say she displays a different personality every minute. I felt a slight tinge of sympathy for her. But she knows she needs her medication and chooses not to take it.

Rita does not believe in feeding the kids. The boys talked about not having food. There was a lock on all cabinets and the fridge. Dad and Rita usually ate out. They would often bring leftovers for the daughter but nothing for the boys. Adam eats and eats now. Luckily he has a high metabolism. his wife said their house is like a food warehouse. Adam must have a fully stocked cupboard.
The kids recall a time when Sister first moved there and had the "nerve" to request seconds of food. Rita was in her "impress the new kids" mode and gave it to her. All the other kids immediately requested seconds too. Another time soon thereafter, Sister did her usual chores and requested her $10 a week allowance from Dad. The other kids held out their hands too. All of them immediately walked to the neighborhood deli store and bought food to hoard in their room.

The two oldest boys were taught a "work ethic." They worked like slaves on the farm. They topped trees, drove fence posts, etc. There was no time for school work - just slave labor work.

Dad often "got into fights" with the boys. Alex described it as fist fighting. Adam described it as a beating, which his mother watched and cheered Dad on, saying "go get them."

The daughter was a spoiled princess - when she wasn't being "pimped out."

The youngest was spoiled. He was the son Dad never had. He was 3 when Dad and Rita married. He was never taught a work ethic and given everything. He has no marketable skills and is floundering now.

Alex was kicked out two days after turning 18. When he protested, his mother called the cops and he was taken away in a police car. The cops told Alex there was nothing they could do.

The daughter was kicked out at 18 too. She's married but getting a divorce.

Rita's sister and husband died in a murder/suicide. Their three kids moved in with Dad/Rita. The one son disappeared. The kids' think he went into a psych ward or juvenile detention. The daughter was placed in charge of feeding the horses on the back acreage. She didn't feed them and many starved to death. My dad was supposedly kicked out in 2002 (during their split) for hitting the girl in response to discovering the malnourished horses. When Dad came back, the two kids were placed into foster care.

Dad and Rita took a "break" in 2002. This is when Dad briefly reconciled with Sister and I. Seven days later, Rita started dating her divorce attorney. She announced he was moving in. Adam put his foot down and said "no" to his mother. He was kicked out of the house at age 14. He lived with friends for a few years.

Dad kept in touch with the boys after they were kicked out. But he always maintained loyalty to Rita.

We saw pictures. Pictures of Dad at the daughter's wedding. Pictures of Dad with the youngest. We brought pictures with us, of Dad growing up and with us as kids. Both boys remarked, "wow he was happy then. Look how happy he looks."

We learned the true story of Dad's death. He was at the house preparing for the upcoming funeral of Rita's mother. They would have to drive a few hours for the service which was set the next week. (what is it with my family and waiting awhile before burials?). He took the car in to have new tires put on. He started weaving and hit a tree. The crash is not what killed him. He apparently had a stroke while driving. Alex got a call from a state trooper saying there was an accident but it wasn't bad. Alex called his mother and she said it wasn't bad and to just stay at work. After work, Alex called and his mom said, "don't go to the hospital." Alex went anyway. Then went to his mother's house. He said Dad was on tubes and they learned that the brain stem had severed - so he was brain dead. Alex wanted his mom to turn off the machines. They argued but set a date to turn off everything the next day or two. Dad died before then on his own. I find it interesting that Rita wasn't there in the hospital with Dad.

Rita is somewhat disabled - suffering the injury of the month. She gets these parasites, injuries, whatever, very frequently. She has many explanations, none of which match up or make sense. The kids think she is living off the insurance proceeds. They are not sure about a will or any other information. She is being helped by a friend of my dad. Husband #5 maybe? Or is it 6?

None of the kids knew what happened to Sister and I. Just that we left. They were not allowed to ask about us.

Alex was the oldest of his "crew." He is most like me - the pacifier. Make peace with everyone. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt. He sees his mom when necessary and thinks he can "handle her." He does all this to keep the peace with the family. He has some of the same denial tendencies I do. He finds security in his "stuff" and his house. He has a ton of "toys" but doesn't use them often.

Adam is the angry one. Most like my sister. Very direct and says it like it is. Sees the ugly and isn't afraid to talk about it. Doesn't gloss over things. He takes security in order and control. He does not want children at all - afraid to be a parent.

Both are married to extremely nice women. Alex's wife comes from normal family. Adam's wife comes from a dysfunctional family.

We met Alex and his wife at the graveyard. Then drove back to his house. It is impressive. Huge and very nice. He lives at the end of the dead end street where Rita still lives. That was a bit nerve-wracking, being that close.

One interesting fact I learned is that I may have yet another sibling. My dad was married before my mom. I knew that. They divorced. What I didn't know is that the wife was pregnant at the time of divorce. Dad wanted to stay together for the child. The Wife said she had an abortion but it is widely believed that she did not. So I may have an older sibling out there somewhere.

It was old talking with the boys. I remember Dad as this controlling tyrant. They remember him as the meek one, overruled by their mother. They enjoyed the one-on-one time with Dad. Like Sister and I, they found him very different when alone, than when he was with others.

I don't know what to do with all this info. My sister is jumping head on into a relationship with the boys. I'm more hesitant. The boys want to go to the lake with us and want to go this year. Well, Alex does. He craves that family bond. Adam is more hesitant. They loved the aunts and uncles. I delayed the trip till next summer. I want to see how this plays out for awhile. But we did invite them to my sister's for thanksgiving. I think a family meal and holiday might be something we all need.

The House of Horrors Revisited

2009-07-06T15:17:00.005-05:00

This is where I grew up from the summer before 7th grade until I fled to college.

On the trip to my sister's for the 4th we took a road trip. We drove down to see my step-brother. I will try to tell this coherently but it's still a whirling mess in my brain.

On the drive down, we drove by my old stomping grounds. I was appalled at the distances my mom had let me walk - alone - at night. This is the house where most of the evil took place.

It has changed. The cedar wood siding was replaced with vinyl. The windows have been updated. The door was replaced. The window by my bedroom is the same. You can see where the station wagon used to park - oil stains still.

I shivered as we drove by, but also realized it was just a house.

We drove on to my father's grave. My step-brother told us that there had been problems with the ground sinking in the rain. Until that was fixed, no gravestone could be erected. He told us it was the fresh grave in the back. Sister and I walked toward the back of the graveyard and saw a new gravesite with flowers and a heart-shaped, red, white & blue hanging basket. We talked about the fact that it meant Rita must have been there for the 4th of July already. We walked around to see pictures and the marker....it wasn't him. It was someone else. We looked further and there it was.

No flowers. No pictures. The marker is a cut-out from the funeral home webpage. It is on a funeral home marker. The funeral home must have put it there.

Father's Day was just a few weeks ago. Graves of other fathers are covered in flowers and momentos. His grave - nothing.

Sister and I felt a bit bad about not brining flowers. So we picked a few from the church gardens. My nephew and daughter stuck them in the grave dirt in rows. We met my step-brother and his wife there. Alex didn't even look at the grave much. One of the kids stepped in the dirt and Sister and I moved to grab them. Alex said, "ah don't worry about it." He didn't have much attachment to the site.

Sister and I thought about leaving a picture of us on the site as a message to Rita that we had been there. We decided not to though - because we didn't have one of the two of us with us.

Sister and I reminisced about what her husband had told Dad in their last phone conversation back in 2002. BIL told Dad, "you are going to die a cold, lonely man. When you are dead and in the grave, there will be no one to mourn you. You will die alone." And he did.

Off on a Trip & Update

2009-07-02T19:23:00.002-05:00

We are leaving in a few hours to visit my sister. It will be fun. Lots of laughs, junk food and playing with the kids.

While there we will have a private small memorial service for my father. Two of his adopted children will meet us at the gravesite. We will then go to one's house to hang out a bit and catch up. Should be interesting. I've not seen them in almost 17 years. In emails thy have alluded to their mother being "crazy" and "off her meds" and "psycho." According to one of the boys, Rita (dad's wife) does not know we are coming or even that we have spoken to them. We plan to keep it that way.

I had my annual physical last week. All seems well but the zoloft makes me ravenously hungry. The anxiety is also getting pretty intense. I've had some major panic attacks recently. I spoke to the doctor and she switched my meds to lexapro. The switch is going okay. I get dizzy but not sure if that is due to panic attacks or the med switch. I'm hoping this will help with my depression too - it's definitely not at a level that is good and seems to be worsening.

Baby also had his 9 month check. The doctor had some concerns about his gross motor skills. He doesn't roll back to front. He doesn't sit up on his own, although if I sit him up, he can stay sitting up. He doesn't bear weight on his legs. Doesn't pull up. Doesn't crawl. Doesn't push up on his arms if he is on his tummy. We're doing some exercises with him. I just learned a church friend specializes in this area so I have an email in to her to see if she'll just take a look at him. This has hit me with quiet resignation. Chalk it up under "I deserve anything bad that happens like this" thoughts.

Work is crazy. Husband's work laid off several but so far he seems safe. My job just announced furlough days. We will have two linked with holidays - an extra day without pay. We'll also have two other days to take as we want (without pay). It could be far worse.

So that's all that's new. I'm off to catch a few hours before we hit the road. Driving at night works well with the kids. Have a wonderful 4th of July.

Watch Out !

2009-06-29T07:01:00.004-05:00

If you see a truck like this come barreling down the road toward you, I'd advise you jump off the sidewalk quickly.

My husband is taking my car to the repair shop to have the oil changed before our big road trip this week. He's also having them look at my brakes which are vibrating funny. Fingers crossed it isn't anything serious since there is no money to pay for it.

In the meantime, I'm driving his truck. Today is a court day which means I'm wearing a skirt suit and heels. Sure is interesting trying to climb in and out of this truck without flashing the world.

I want to know why I get the oddest looks. Hasn't anyone ever seen a chick drive a truck before? I pull up to the drive through to get coffee and people stare. I pull up to the stoplight and they stare harder. Of course the stoplight part could be due to the fact that they didn't think I was going to stop. This truck has a lot more "get up and go" than my car. I looked down and was doing 85 on the interestate. Oops. It felt like I was only doing 60. It also takes a lot longer and more pressure to stop this big thing. Which leaves me slamming on the brakes and yelling "stop" quite often.

I never thought I could drive a truck. Not after my childhood experiences in a truck. But I've re-claimed the power here. This truck is bigger, faster, heavier and has a big huge middle seat cupholder divider. That's my "cone of safety." So while I hate having to manhandle this vehicle (mostly because it prevents me from sipping my starbucks except at stoplights), there is something to be said for the power I feel driving it.

Beep Beep! Away I go. Watch out!

Whac-A-Mole

2009-06-26T09:28:00.001-05:00

Anyone ever played Whac-a-mole? Some people say that it is a good way to release tension and stress. Little mole pops up – BANG! You whac it with a mallet. Bang. Bang. Bang. (If you are interested in playing, check this site out.)

I wish I could see it as a stress releaser. I see it as trying to keep everything in my life from popping up at once. “Mommy, I need you,” and I have to be the mom who assists my daughter in wiping herself. “Honey, I need you,” and I have to go show my husband where something is located. “This is a call from ABC Collections,” and I have to explain why I haven’t paid the medical bills yet. Then I have to call the medical insurance company again and go through that mess. All while trying not to lose my sanity or disappear entirely into the Land of Numb.

I spend my day whacking away at one issue after another. Bang! I get one taken care of and another pops up. I keep waiting for the game to be over but it hasn’t ended yet.

Recovering

2009-06-25T10:57:00.003-05:00

I survived Mom's visit. I'm recovering now. It went okay. She had a great time playing with Bugaboo. Munchkin was whiny and a bit mouthy. It's a stage she is going through, and we're working on it. But it didn't sit well with mom. I felt like a rubber band stretched between doing the "mom" role and correcting Munchkin versus the "cheerleader" wanting to say, "you give it to her. Say all the things I never said," versus the "oh my gosh, she is rocking the boat" versus the "Mom will not see me as a good mother now. Whatever will I do?" versus the "honor munchkin's right to feel like she feels" versus "correcting any disrespect by Munchkin." Needless to say my head hurts from all that boing-ing around. Munchkin thinks my mom has a "mean face." That struck me, because mom doesn't smile a lot. So she does look kind of fierce and stern. Interesting that Munchkin picked up on it.

Mom remarked to me that "munchkin seems to think she is in charge." I don't think it's that - Munchkin is just very bossy lately. My Husband got into a bad habit of doing things for her when our morning routine changed and we needed to get out the door quick. Easier to dress her, brush her teeth, comb her hair, than insist she do it herself. Only now Munchkin is demanding, "you bring me my shoes." At one point she made a very smart-alec remark to Mom and my Mom said, "hey" in a stern voice. Munchkin ran and hid, which is what she does when I say something to her. I let Munchkin have her space, and then went and talked with her about her tone and needing to be respectful. Munchkin just snuggled up and said, "she is mean Mommy. She doesn't like me." She wouldn't elaborate as to why she felt that way. I told her it was fine for her to feel that way, but she did need to not talk back. If she felt something was wrong, she could come talk to me and I would handle it.

If Munchkin had acted the way she did and no one was visiting, she'd have spent the day in her room alone. But I didn't want to do that when Mom visits so infrequently. On the other hand, I don't want her getting away with back-talk. Then too, I think my daughter is confused. When I picked her up yesterday, she was super excited about seeing Grandma. When we pulled in the driveway, she jumped out and ran over, pointing at her fishing pole. Grandma said, "hi, can I have a kiss and hug?" Munchkin just pointed. She wanted Grandma to ask about it. Grandma thought she was being ignored and so ignored her back and came over and focused on Bugaboo. That started things off on the wrong foot.

Munchkin is very protective of Bugaboo. She likes to help out anyway. But when others are around, she really wants to help out. So when Mom tried to feed Bugaboo a bottle, play with him, rock him or anything, Munchkin wanted to do it instead. Mom then said "no I'm having a turn." I know that if I let Munchkin hold him, he fusses about 1 minute later, and she is done. I often let her start helping with the diaper changes or bottle. She gets bored quick and then I can finish up.

Munchkin really likes imagination games. They are not my favorite but I play along sometimes. We went outside and she wanted to play pretend school or house. She wanted to be my baby and have Bugaboo be Grandma's baby. My mom does not engage in imagination games. Mom prefers board games, but does not tolerate cheating. And since my husband thinks it is great fun to cheat and get away with it, teaching Munchkin not to cheat is a lost cause.

Mom wants to talk to me and catch up. Which is great, but Munchkin isn't able to be patient for too too long. She does say "excuse me" and wait a minute. But that's about the extent of it. Husband and I have worked on making her wait a little bit longer - at first we stopped when she said excuse me, then at the end of a sentence, then at the end of a thought. Mom just kept talking and talking. Husband and I have the ability to talk in between playing with Munchkin. Mom isn't used to multi-tasking like that. So Munchkin got impatient and felt ignored.

At night, I was reading with Munchkin and had her read a bit to me. She turned and said "Grandma can't see the picture." Husband said, "why is that?" Mom said, "she's being mean. She's been mean to me all day." I wasn't sure how to take that. Munchkin was being irritable. But who is to say she can't be like that sometimes. I want her to be able to express herself but in a respectful manner. And my own emotions get all entangled where Mom is concerned so I'm not sure where to draw that line.

I was really glad to see Mom go. I was exhausted. Bugaboo took a really long nap yesterday evening. I went to VBS. Did not take mom. She didn't really want to go, and I think she wanted some time with Bugaboo without Munchkin trying to be all in the middle. So Husband stayed home and did some yard work. Mom took Bugaboo in the stroller to the end of the street and back. He fell asleep and slept a long time. So he was up almost all night. I'm exhausted. But the sleep issue is another long post and vent.

When Grandma left, Munchkin ran and got in the car. Our routine is to see who can get in and buckled up faster. It's me and Bugaboo versus her. She looked a bit sad and said "I don't want Grandma to leave." I asked if she wanted to give a hug and she said, "Have grandma come here." So I relayed that to Mom, who walked over. Munchkin was playing at hiding her face. She wanted Mom to tickle her or play back. But Mom took it as rejection. So she said, "you don't have to hug or kiss me, but I'll give you one." All the way to school, Munchkin was saying, "I want Grandma to stay."

I see in Munchkin such a mix of feelings and emotions. I know I have the same mix in me.

So it's recovery mode now. Trying to find that delicate balance between processing thoughts and emotions, but keeping from being overwhelmed versus stuffing them and never dealing with them. It's a very jittery day.

She Just Doesn't Get it

2009-06-22T13:49:00.002-05:00

I chatted with my Sister last night. We discussed my mother's upcoming visit. Mom's days off are Wed-Thurs. And the whole world must revolve around her days off. It is impossible for her to do anything on days she works - second shift I might note. It is absolutely incomprehensible for her to drive 1 hour to meet up with me on a morning she has to be at work at 2 pm. She absolutely can not stay overnight if she has to work the next day, even though she could leave by 8 am and be home by 11 to go into work at 2 pm. She thinks she is the only person her age to have a full-time job. When she gets home, she is so tired she must lie down. It's impossible for her to have to grocery shop, run any other errands, cook dinner or do laundry except on her days off................can I have some cheese to go with her whining? If my sister or I point out that we manage to work full-time, raise our children, involve them in activities and keep our houses relatively up, as well as find time to visit each other (an 8 1/2 hour drive) several times a year, well that's just all well and good because......we're young. Yep she'll pull the age card, because that trumps all.

But I digress. There is no court this week due to a clerk's conference. So I arranged several months ago to adjust my schedule and leave early Wed and come in late Thursday. That way Mom can come up here Wed - Thurs on her days off. At the time we arranged this, I did not know that Vacation Bible School was this week. So now the plan is that Mom will visit with me, my 5 year old and the Baby at home. Then Munchkin will go to Bible school. Either, Husband will stay home with my mother and Bugaboo while I go over and teach my part. Or I'll take Mom with me. Either way, she'll get a bit of time with Bugaboo without Munchkin. My daughter wears her out. Heaven forbid my daughter want to do something active or act like a typical 5 year old.

My Sister says I should take Mom to VBS with me. That night's lesson goes over Jesus dying on the cross for our sins and the plan of salvation. Would be good for Mom to hear. But part of me would feel really hypocritical having her there while a part of me is hoping she continues to feel guilty over her actions and inactions. Why would I want her to feel forgiven? I know I'm "supposed to" but I don't.

My Sister mentioned a conversation she had recently with Mom. My cousin is separating (again) from her husband. She bought her son (age 6) a new bedroom set. She is sending the boy to a relative's house while she moves out and sets up the new bed in her new apartment. My mom thought that was horrible. She said that the boy needed closure and needed to see the bedroom be taken apart and then participate in setting it up in his new house. How horrible that he would go away to stay with his grandparents and then come home to a new place to live, and only to visit his old place?

(birds chirping)

My sister said she just sat there. What we both would have wanted to say was, "Hey mom, remember when you and dad split? You and your new "friend" that we always knew as Dad's friend - the one you all of a sudden kissed goodbye the night dad moved out - yeah, you two drove us up to Grandma and Grandpa's house. We stayed there 2 weeks. When we came back, we were taken to a new apartment where we shared a room for the first time, shared an apartment with 3 new children (his kids) and your new boyfriend (soon to be known as Toilet). The cat and dog were gone (killed) because the apartment didn't allow pets. Oh yeah, we did get to visit our old house, which was now completely empty."

Guess she forgot about that.

She really doesn't get it. She is clueless. If Sister or I mentioned this, she'd first try to point out how the situations couldn't possibly be as similar as we were making it. Then she'd proclaim innocence and turn it into poor pitiful her.

So, Mom's visit is this week. I find myself in the same spot - wanting to see her, feeling like I have to let her come, dreading her being here, bitching about her before and after, and hating every moment of her visit. One of these days I'll figure out how to get off this crazy circle and do something about it. Right now, I just can't. Sometimes surviving the status quo is easier.

June Edition - Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

2009-06-19T09:50:00.002-05:00

It's up here. Check it out !!

The Land of Numb

2009-06-17T06:00:00.000-05:00

I know that Cornnut at Picture of Experience is a first time host for the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, scheduled for release this Friday. The theme is about parents - in keeping with the upcoming Father's Day and recent passing of Mother's Day. I had intentions of submitting. After all, I should be able to write a book about fathers right now, right? ..............wrong......

So I sit down at my computer. Crack knuckles. Stretch neck from side to side. Nothing immediately comes to mind. I re-read my recent blog posts. Full of lots of factual stuff. Not a lot of feelings and emotions. So what are my emotions? How do I feel about all this? ........wait......nothing comes........wait some more.....nothing.

Stretch again. Fingers to keys. I'll type. Just free-think and type what comes. Again a hint of something...I reach, search, open my mind.......tingling in fingers........snap. It's the end. I've fallen off the pier into the water and I'm drowning in the sea of panic and emotions. I look around around and there is the life preserver, in the form of a return to the Land of Numb. I reach, grasp and hold on tight, pulled into safety. The tentacles of the murky Water of Emotions attempt to wrap themselves more firmly around me. I reach harder...and.....Victory as I'm pulled safely ashore the sands of Numb. Home again - it's my Land of Numb.

(if you want to read what I had to say about fathers before my trip to the Land of Numb, scroll through the last several posts).

Hiding in my Shell

2009-06-12T08:19:00.003-05:00

I'm hiding --- mostly from my feelings. What is it about death that brings out family? My father's adopted son (guess he's my step-brother?) emailed us back. I'll call him "Alex" for convenience. Alex is full of praises about dad. It's not that I want to take that away from him, but I really don't need to hear him gush about how good of a man he was.

Why are they wanting contact now? They claim it was their mother who kept them away. Well, their mother is still in the picture.

My uncle called my sister and chatted with her about 1 hour. Sister said he is very braggity - just like dad was. Kept making excuses about the house dad grew up in. I'm tired of the excuses - I grew up in an abusive house too, but I'm not rolling over. I'm rising up and moving on.

The whole family, most of whom we've not heard anything about since Nana's funeral, is calling, emailing and writing. Wanting to stay in touch and for us to come visit. Blah Blah Blah.

My uncle claims to have no idea about the House of Horrors, the fact that Sister was kicked out with no where to go and ended up with an ex-girlfriend of dad's for her senior year in high school, or about anything else. So do we explain it? Does it look like we're making excuses? Or just clarifying the facts? They want to apologize for dad and talk about him as if he were a saint. I get it - the man is dead. But still, I'm not going to accept blame and be the "bad guy" just so we don't speak ill of the dead. I'm not going out of my way to criticize, but I'll not let the truth lie dormant either.

And I'm super tired of the ...."oh you don't see much of your mother, either" refrain. Yes, I have two shitty parents. It is possible. Why do you assume that because I have poor (or no) relationship with either parent, that it is my fault? I can hear their thoughts - "oh it must be something wrong with her. She doesn't speak with either parent."

All the thoughts and feeling swirling around are super confusing.

I'm also caught up in what Sister wants. I still struggle with the fact that I left her in the House of Horrors when I escaped to school. So I try to stand by her side and support her now. That's not a bad thing except when I ignore my own feelings. She's not sure what to do with all this either. Part of us wants to tell everyone "too late. You missed out. Go away again." Part of us feels like we need to reach out. Then again, I know it's akin to ripping the scab off a wound. The wound has healed somewhat. Now we're opening it up again. Saying, "come into my life." Not sure this isn't just the guilt of losing a brother. They will probably disappear again - only to pop back up when another relative dies.

Maybe I'll win the lottery and can move myself and Sister and our families to a desserted island where we don't have to interact with anyone.

Hiding -- Overwhelmed

2009-06-09T12:10:00.003-05:00

I just finished making my To Do Lists. Those that know me well would not be surprised. After all, I'm the Queen of "to do" lists. What is surprising is how long my list is; and that this is the first list I've had in months; and just how much thought I've had to put into remembering all I need to do.

I have this handy dandy (hot pink) blackberry. It has this nice voice notes and memo feature. It typically goes with me everywhere. I had this idea that I could keep notes on it and jot things down to jog my memory. But it's not happening.

The bills are piling up. I just got the medical mess straight from bills relating to my having Bugaboo versus Bugaboo's hospitalization at 6 weeks old. Now I have the nightmare of my kidney issues - part on old insurance and part on new, versus Munchkin's broken foot. You can't just go to the doctor and get one bill. You've got the doctor, x-ray lab, x-ray tech, anesthesiologist, hospital, etc etc. Throw in the fact that the kids' bills come sometimes in their names and sometimes in mine, and I get a headache. Normally I've got an eye for detail. I used to enjoy getting to the bottom of things. Now, I can't wade through it. I look and give up.

I was the queen of organization too. My house was very organized. Not so much anymore. I used to joke that I should get a job as a professional organizer. However, anyone seeing my house now would never hire me. There is stuff everywhere. Not just clutter that gets left out from kids' playing. But junk everywhere. And even when we pick up the house, there is no where to put it. Gone are the days of labelled containers and bins.

I don't know what happened. I don't know where the organized, efficient part of me went. But I really want (and need) it back.

Some Laughs

2009-06-04T08:41:00.000-05:00

I need some laughs. So here's an update in pictures.

We have had rain off and on for two weeks. Rain brings bugs. Icky bugs. Including spiders.

The Baby is good. The dog loves him. Especially now that he eats puffs. Unfortunately, he still doesn't sleep well at night.

Bugaboo loves the dog too. Especially grabbing fur.

We call pacifiers "boppies" - they are invaluable. We must have a million but can usually only find one.

Allergies stink. 'Nough said.

We're working on teaching Munchkin the difference between lying and telling a story. Since Daddy is a "tall-tale teller" she thinks it's funny to stretch the truth ALL the time.

Baby still doesn't sleep - makes mornings rough.

And this one is for all my blogging buddies!

Adding Branches to the Family Tree

2009-06-03T06:00:00.000-05:00

My sister met with my two aunts and then spoke with them after the funeral. Turns out there are a lot of convoluted stories and who knows what the truth is. I report here what I think to be the truth.

Only one uncle (maybe 2) have seen dad since 2003, at my Nana's funeral when things went haywire.

Rita is supposedly "sick" from a horse parasite (they live on a horse farm) and that is why she is so sickly and skinny. We all know it's the drugs. But the parasite story helps explain her being so skinny and sick looking.

Apparently, Dad had a series of strokes. He was working out of state - about 6-8 hours way from his house. Rita had been trying to reconcile with her mother. Rita's mom passed away unexpectedly. We guess dad was driving back to be with her when he suffered a series of small strokes. Rita eventually took him to the hospital where he had a massive stroke and died. I looked up Rita's mother's obituary. She has many siblings mentioned. I only knew of the existence of two.

Apparently, Rita was so distraught that she couldn't plan the funeral. Dad had been a member of a volunteer fire department for years, even serving as captain a few years. So the fire dept did the planning for her. Not sure who wrote the obituary but I think she had a lot to do with it.

The story of the "will" was not true. I know enough about that area of the law to know that wills are not read until after the service. So either it was my dad's wishes we not attend - or Rita's.

My aunts said we should have come anyway. Then we all could have gotten kicked out together. They are pissed at Rita. And pissed at my other uncle who flew out from Calif. That Uncle didn't even fly out for nana's funeral. My aunts reported that they had never met any of the four children except the youngest and that it was awkward to meet the other children under these circumstances.

None of Rita's children talk to her or have contact with her. Or at least not the boys. The daughter was not seen all weekend. The youngest came to the first night receiving only because he was close with my father. The oldest two came to the service only because they wanted to speak with my aunts. They explained that their mother is crazy. They had no contact with her. Rita's desire was to plan the service and only contact the extended family when it was over. The kids demanded otherwise and refused to have anything to do with anything unless she notified family. After two days she finally gave in. So that explains the delays. Rita insisted we (sister and I) not be notified.

At the service, Rita stood alone. No one was comforting her. The aunts suggested the kids go over and they said, "hell no, she'll have a new man moved in soon - I give her less than 2 weeks." The kids were never told what happened to Sister and I. They only knew that they came home one day and we and our stuff were gone. They were forbidden to mention us. They gave my aunts their contact information. They wanted to get together to talk. My sister and I finally decided to email them. We think they wrote some of the comments on the obituary page that were negative toward Rita. We have heard back from one of the boys. He says that "dysfunctional doesn't even begin to describe things." He also said that Dad was the "glue that held things together." I can see that. He did try to hold our family together a long time. I don't know why the glue didn't extend to Sister and I though.

Sister and I plan to have our own service in July. We may get together with these "new" family members. Dad may have legally adopted them so I guess that makes them siblings. Step-siblings at any rate. They've not done anything to us and we think it might be healing to share some pictures and good memories, the few that they are.

I plan to keep tabs on any estate that is open. My grandfather titled the lake property in dad's name only, intending it to be passed through the siblings. I'm pretty sure dad wouldn't have seen Rita to have anything but good intentions. I want to make sure the lake property stays in our family - not Rita's. And if the will happens to leave things to his "children" - well, I'll insist on a share. Rita can call me money hungry, but it's Dad's fault I have the massive private school loans with super high interest rates that are hanging over my head and making life miserable.

People continue to make harsh comments on the obituary internet page. It was up to 14 at one point. Things like "where are the REAL kid" and "Rita sure is showing her true colors." Then they all got deleted. More got put up and deleted again. Sister and I do not know who is writing them.

I attended my mentor's funeral on the same day and at the same time my father was being buried. Talk about a surreal experience. Some of the tears shed, were related to the service I was missing. But I'm glad I made the choice I did. When I went through the receiving line, my mentor's wife and children both commented about how much he had enjoyed working with me and the praise he had for my work. That made me feel so good. And provide some healing in my heart.

I think more closure will come in July. We shall see. I'm thankful to all my blogging buddies for your support.

Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

2009-05-29T12:24:00.002-05:00

It's up here. I didn't submit this time. If you've been keeping up with my posts, you know I've been quite distracted. I hit a wall last night and shut down. My wonderful husband took Bugaboo and slept with him on the couch until 4:30 this morning. I got to sleep 6 1/2 hours straight. Woo-hoo.

Please read the carnival HERE.

Hawk Nelson

2009-05-25T19:54:00.007-05:00

On the funeral home web page there is my dad's obituatry - the one where neither my sister or I are mentioned. People have been leaving comments. Several pertain to Sister & I. We have no idea who is writing them.

This was from "unknown" - What about HIS daughters??? He was a father to 2 wonderful daughters who DESERVE to be listed!!!!!!

This is from "sad" - I wondered the same thing. Both of his daughters, Sister and Enola, are wonderful women with wonderful husbands and 5 beautiful, gifted children between them. What a shame to have disowned nine beautiful people running from the past.

"A song for You" posted this - From Underneath by Hawk Nelson. From Underneath I wanted you To see the first thing I ever poured my heart into You'll never know the pain that I've been through I'm not so sure you'll ever know And so I'll make you understand the words that built my life Were not from you, but from my father's hand Do you remember that cold day in December Leaving everything you knew behind I may never know how it feels to stand beside you Or take your hand when I need some direction And I may never know what it's like to see you smile back at me Or know you'd be proud of me From underneath I promise to erase the past And let my heart forgive the former you Replace the dark of old and start brand new I never thought I'd see the day I walk toward the end of life and turn the other way I'm reaching out to take my Father's hand

I had to go hear that song. (you can scroll down and hear it). I looked up the lyrics and the meaning. This is what one person said, "I think it means that his own father walked out on him when he was little and he never had a father growing up, and watching his friends around him hang out with thier dad's and have that father-son connection hurts him. He asks him basically if he remembers walking out on his family and tells him that he will never know what it was like to see him grow up into a man. He had no where to turn so he accepted god as his savior and now has someone to turn to instead of his actual dad.Someone to help him through everyday challenges and a hand to guide him through life. "

I was always partial to this Hawk Nelson song. The first time I heard it, it struck me about my relationship and history with my dad. Especially this part - "I tried to be perfect...tried to be everything that you ever wanted."

At first I was mad at the comments, because I thought my aunt (Mom's sister) had written it. She says no, though. I really wonder who it is. Or who they are. I was mad because I didn't want to "cause waves." But now I'm thankful that someone recognized our absence.

Denied

2009-05-24T13:11:00.000-05:00

I think the worst thing about the situation with my father is being denied. The obituary hit hard. I just wanted to be acknowledged as his daughter. For the fact that I mattered - maybe not recently, but at one time. I wanted the chance to see relatives and old friends.
My one aunt emailed my sister. Have not heard from anyone else at all.

My dad once asked me how I could choose Toilet over him? How can I even begin to answer such a f-ed up question? and I want to ask him -- how could you choose a new wife and kids over us? You saw how it hurt when Mom put her husband aad of us. You promised never to do that. You promised that no girlfriend would ever come before us. You lied.

Done

2009-05-23T17:36:00.000-05:00

I just heard my mentor died this morning. His first name and my father's first name were the same. My mentor was more of a a father to me in recent years. They are both being buried on Wednesday. I'll attend my mentor's service. I know he would want me there. There is going to be a huge cookout after - that makes me smile because it is exactly what he would want. The situation is sad though. Can I be done with death now? I can't take any more....

Not Welcome - Not Wanted

2009-05-22T22:22:00.001-05:00

I have been all over the map this evening. Sister and I pretty much decided that we would either not go or that we would attend the funeral and just stay in the back and duck out early.

Then my sister emailed me the obituary info from the funeral home. We are not mentioned -

Of NJ, age 59yrs, went to be with the Lord suddenly on May 19, 2009. He is
the beloved husband of Rita. Father of (her son #1) and his wife, (her daughter) of Atco, (her son #2) and his loving youngest son (her son #3) of Berlin. He is also survived by his siblings, (names listed), his Godmother, (names) of NH and
many nieces and nephews. He gave to the community his time, devotion and energy. He was a lifetime member and former Asst. Chief of Fire Co. and 3rd and 4th Degree Knight of Knights of Columbus Council He will be remembered as a "Freedom Fighter." He was the State Representative of NJ Legislature for ABATE of the Garden State. He worked hard and diligently as a Medical Engineer. He was a very multi-faceted human being that God above endured on Earth. He will be sadly missed by his family, friends, and co-workers.
I have no idea what that next to last sentence means - "that God endured on earth?"
Apparently he adopted those 4 children because their last names are the same as Dad's (and my maiden name).
I was speaking with my sister about the obituary when a call came through. It was my Uncle. My dad's younger brother. He and his wife were the friendliest. His wife (a pastor and social worker by training) was a mentor, of sorts, to Rita. Uncle just found out about the death yesterday even though it happened on Tuesday?????
Apparently Uncle drew the short straw. I had left a message on my aunt's phone. She asked Uncle to call me.
Story is that he was working 7 or so hours away from home when he suffered a blood clot which burst near his groin. He had a seizure. Drove home and his wife noticed and took him to the hospital where he died. He was just 59 - would have turned 60 next month.
Uncle said, "I know there were problems. And I know there is usually some responsibility on both sides." I said, "well there was strain, but I always left the door open - he just didn't take advantage of it." I was then chastised and told "we won't go there and say things about your dad now." Guess we can't say anything about the dead.
I told my Uncle that we thought we would not go. Uncle said, "well your dad said specifically in his will that he did not want you there."
~~~ Thud ~~~
So I guess any thoughts and hopes that I had of a deathbed reconciliation are gone. I had this whole fantasy that Dad really wanted a relationship but was just too weak to defy his wife (yeah, just like my mom is too weak to stick up for me against her husband). I fantasized that he would mention us in the will. Leave us something. Not that I wanted materialism. I just wanted to be recognized. I wanted to matter. But this shows me that it was his choice.
At least now I know for sure not to go. And I'm more pissed than numb. I still have some xanax in the cabinet. Think Baby will get some formula and I'll take a pill.

My Father is Dead

2009-05-22T15:24:00.003-05:00

I am in Walmart grocery shopping. I'm waiting in line at the deli and decide to see if I have messages. I pull out my hot pink blackberry and notice a facebook message. It is my cousin. He says "sorry to hear about your dad. Not sure how you feel but we are praying for you."

Huh? I call my sister. She knows nothing. I pick up my cheese and meander over to the check-out line. All the while typing to my cousin. "I don't know what you are talking about. Call me please." I give my cell phone.

I hit 411 and get my aunt's phone number. I leave her a message. I look and I've missed a call. My cousin. I call him back. "I'm so sorry to tell you this. I never meant for you to find out on facebook.....your dad died. Heart attack. No one knows details. No one in the family has had contact with him since nana's funeral."

(** the back story of my dad was told in 4 parts - Part one, two, three and four)
When I wrote the back story, I said this, "Thus ends the story of Dad. I've not had a real relationship with him in 16 years. I've not had any contact at all in 5 years. I suspect I may learn of his demise from my aunts/uncles (his sisters and brothers) but then again I might not."

I do not remember the rest of the Walmart trip, except that I apologized to the cashier for being on the phone. I called my sister and told her - I think the poor cashier overheard things - she looked sorrowfully at me. I called my husband - not sure what I said, but he met me at home.

When I got home I started googling. I could not find an obituary. I finally found a listing of funeral homes in his area. Searching all led me to find that the funeral is Wednesday.

So now what? I'm numb. I have all sorts of thoughts going through my head.

Go to the funeral? My two uncles and one aunt are going. Another aunt may go depending on her chem treatment.

It is an 8 hour drive to my sister's. Then two hours to the funeral. What to do with the kids? Would definitely not bring them.

Will it cause a scene if we go? Probably would. He adopted her four children. The youngest was 3 when they married - probably 20 or so now. That's the only dad he knew. Those kids are innocent in all this - I don't want to cause a scene and disrupt their mourning. Could go and stay in back.

At this point, sister and I are leaning toward just having our own private funeral service at the graveyard in July when we were scheduled to go visit.

I guess it is over. No more chance of reconciliation.

Wonder if he changed things back? Wonder if anything will come my way? Maybe it's crass to think of it, but heck, he promised to pay for my education and then didn't at the last moment. He's very wealthy. If he left things to his "children" then I'd get something. I'd take it too. Pay off my school loans.

It would be nice to have the closure of the funeral. It would be nice to see aunts and uncles.

Have any of you dealt with this? What did you do?

My head hurts

The End of the Road

2009-05-20T06:37:00.002-05:00

I think I've been to more funerals in the past two months than I have in the past 10 years combined. Add in my family's own health crisis and not sleeping and you get a blubbering Enola.

The majority of these deaths were caused by cancer. I hate cancer.

First was my previous Sunday school teacher's husband. He filled in teaching some and was a fabulous man. He died less than 6 weeks after learning he had cancer. Then was a young man from our church. The cause of his death is unknown - some mysterious ailment after returning from a military deployment. Next the father of church friends - cancer again, less than 2 months after diagnosis. Last week the father of my husband's co-worker had a stroke and passed away with in 48 hours. Husband had worked with that guy a few years back. Today we learned that the grandson of my husband's co-worker is expected to be taken off life support. He is three years old. Doctors said if he did survive, they would have to amputate both arms and legs.

Tomorrow my husband is a pallbearer in a funeral. It is a beloved church member. Cancer again. It took longer with him. Tim was a feisty old man that I loved. Truth be told, he scared me a bit. Tim was our church custodian and maintenance man. He is a veteran and boy did he run a tight ship. Munchkin has only ever written on a wall, and it was at church when she accidentally colored too far - right off the dry erase board. I just knew Tim would kill me. My hope was that he would not notice and I could return the next day with some cleaning products. The next day the wall was spotless. I was scared to see Tim for awhile after that. Tim was 79 and still played church softball. He pitched. He was good. One game he slid running and broke his hip. My husband took him to the hospital. Tim made me leave. Said he needed to curse and couldn't do it in front of a lady. We took him a meal. He sat and talked with my husband for hours. Husband helped clean up after the meals on Wed nights, working side by side with Tim. Tim is a loner who loathes asking for help. The Church pitched in to bring him meals, as he has no local family. Most people had to ring the doorbell and leave the meal on an outside table. Few were invited in. Tim did not want people seeing him so frail. My husband was one of the few invited in. He stayed for hours, listening to war stories. Tim died this week.

Another church friend's mother passed away from a long battle with cancer. She is younger than me. To lose her mother at this stage in life is tough.

I learned not long ago that my aunt has cancer - again. She survived brain cancer in the 90s. Now she has breast cancer. She is the only remaining link to my dad's side of the family. Her son and I were best friends growing up - very close cousins. I hate to think of losing her.

The one that pushed me over the edge is my former mentor. He too survived cancer years ago. You may recall me writing about him having a serious health crisis a few weeks before I returned from maternity leave. I had to pick up some work at home. Soon after my return I learned he has cancer. He fought it valiantly. I just received word yesterday that he has made the decision to stop all treatment and just recieve comfort measures. It won't be long. I was supposed to go visit him two weeks ago, but that day he wasn't up for visitors. He is not receiving visitors now. So my last meeting with him will be the day I said goodbye and left the law firm. Most people saw this guy as a cantankertous attorney. I saw a softer side. He changed a lot after having grandchildren. He truly began to see the struggles of balancing home and work life. He was my staunchest advocate at the firm. He taught me just about everything I know in the practice of law. He and I handled many cases together, and had some good times in court. Fought some good fights. My favorite memory is of him walking in my office when I was 7 months pregnant with Bugaboo. My feet were swollen, shoes off, propped up on a box. He said, "we can do better." He left and returned with a leather ottoman. Just a simple gesture, but it meant a lot.

My family and church family have had more than our share of death lately. I'm done. While I believe in heaven and that these people are there, it still is sad. I really, really hate cancer.

Mixed Feelings

2009-05-18T13:37:00.005-05:00

I attended a day of juvenile court this week. I am going to be helping with some overflow in the child protective services arena. It was a full docket. Non-secure custody hearings for abused, neglected and dependent children. Those determine placement. Review hearings which are hearings to determine if the parents are working through their case plans and doing what they need to get their children back. Determining if reunification with parents is goal or adoption or what. Adjudication - finding neglect, abuse or dependency. And termination of parental rights. I saw a bit of everything. The courtroom was packed with relatives of all shapes and sizes, foster care parents, social workers, guardian ad litems and attorneys.

I didn't know the backstory on most cases but I gathered enough to fill in most blanks. And the blanks are horrifying. I left court at lunch to go home and take care of my own sick child (who after 1 episode of getting sick managed to run around, play and eat anything she wanted, quite happy to be staying home -- but alas I digress). I am quite sure I do not want to work in this area long-term. I am, however, quite grateful that my area seems to have excellent attorneys and judges and social workers.

The first case I saw was a review for a teenager in a foster care situation. She was present in court. The Judge asked this young girl if she wanted to say anything. Also asked how she was doing. This was the last review hearing and this case was being closed. The Judge told the teen that she had a long road ahead of her, that she was going to have tough times. She told the girl to ask for help when needed, and to be willing to seek therapy, both now and when an adult. The Judge assured the girl that any resources she needed to assist in healing would be made available to her. At then end of that hearing, I felt good about how things had turned out.

The next case involved another teenager. I figured out that the teen was sitting with her older sister and BIL, who were now her caretakers. The girls; mother and mom's husband were there. During the case, the girl was startled to learn that husband is not her biological father. Mom doesn't know who the father might be. I'm not sure exactly what happened to this girl. I do know that she is now a pregnant, unwed teen. The mom suffers from bipolar disorder and refuses to seek treatment. The husband (previously thought to be dad) is a paranoid schizophrenic with PTSD stemming from his service in Vietnam. He refused treatment at first, but then consented. Due to a procedural error on mental health's part, the Judge was forced to postpone the final award of guardianship to the sister. In the meantime, mom promised, yet again, to work her steps. The Judge asked the young lady if she wished to speak. This young lady stood up, and looked straight at her mother and said, "I don't understand why you are now looking for loopholes to keep this case ongoing. You said in court last time you did not want counseling, and that you knew that meant giving me up. Why were you so willing to turn your back on me before, but now you are saying you want me back? I am happy where I am for the first time in a long time. Why can't you leave me alone?" I wanted to both cry and applaud this young lady. The Judge looked right at her and said, "that was very well said, and that is a great question - one that you are entitled to have answered. Unfortunately I can not answer that for you. But if you want, I will arrange for you to have a meeting with your mother and you can ask her." The whole time the daughter was speaking, the mother was making faces of astonishment and shaking her head. I wanted to slap her. It's apparent these parents had some mental health issues, but it is also apparent they were not seeking help.

Then there was the case where mom's boyfriend abused the children. Mom said, "well I got rid of him." But random checks revealed his belongings still at the house and car parked outside.

The last case I observed was pretty heart-wrenching. The mother was obviously pregnant. Daddy to one child was in federal prison. Daddy to second child was present in court but didn't care what happened. Daddy to third child (the one Mom was carrying) is a boyfriend that Mom is not supposed to have living with her. The two children are young and have some special needs. I do not know exactly what the situation was, but there was such severe anxiety after every visit with mom that the youngest would get sick. The foster parents testified to carrying bags and buckets in the car during visitation exchanges, because they knew the child would get sick. The mother was still fighting. The Judge lectured the mother, telling her, "This is your fault. You caused this."

Talk about flashbacks. They were everywhere. The first teen looked exactly like Erin's picture on her website. There were the parents that were mentally ill and refused treatment, like so many of my blogging buddies' parents. Then there was the mom who refused to truly kick out her boyfriend (could have been my mom). And the moms who thought it might "look bad" if they truly gave up - who were willing to put their kids through hell, just to save face.

I sure hope I don't have to do much of this work.

Blah - an update

2009-05-17T20:46:00.004-05:00

This is Bard. He is one of the starring hand puppets on the Baby Einstein videos. I call them "Baby Crack." The run 30 minutes or so. If you have never seen them, catch a preview here. We're not huge TV watchers here, but Baby Einstein is a lifesaver. Munchkin loved them and Bugaboo is following in her footsteps . Put either one in a bouncy seat, pop in the video and if you hurry you can get a shower and breakfast.

Bard is a dragon that says, "blah" in a distinct, drawn out sound. Munchkin laughed hysterically every time he did it. His feature DVD was her favorite. We bought a new exersaucer for Bugaboo and it is the Baby Einstein version. It features Bard the puppet. Munchkin remembered him immediately. Bugaboo has taken to Baby Einstein too. In the mornings I often put Bugaboo in his bouncy with the video on so I can get ready. Many times I peak out to the living room to see Munchkin curled up next to Bugaboo watching too.

Like his sister, Bugaboo loves Bard. In fact, he can do a perfect imitation of the "Blah" sound. It is so perfect that we had to encourage him. Picture me, husband and Munchkin sitting around Bugaboo saying "blah" over and over. Quite comical! And I figure it is a good thing to encourage him to express his emotions early - LOL.

Blah is a good description of where I am right now. Not down in the dumps. Not on a high. Just here. It's rained every day for about a week, and that is not helping. I think we are over the medical stuff. I hope anyway. So I hope things are looking up. Munchkin got her cast off early so we are ready for the summer and swimming. Work is okay - having to do more work with abuse cases than I'd like. On the plus side, I know I'm making a difference. On the negative front, it takes a toll on me and it's hard to leave those cases at the office.

Bugaboo still isn't sleeping well. Husband and I are surviving. For the most part, I take the first part of the night and Husband takes over about 3 am. It is a Catch-22 -- we could try some things to get him on a better schedule. But we are too tired to follow through.

It is scrapbook season. Lots of good opportunities coming up. Gotta get my time in before hunting season. Husband took the kids to see his folks while I scrapped. The in-laws bought some goats for the kids. Munchkin named the girl goat (hers) "Lizzie." She insists Bugaboo wants the boy goat (his) named "Goo Goo Ga Ga." I love her sense of humor!

I am curious where this path I'm on is going. I feel as if I am wandering aimlessly at the moment.

Love Means.......

2009-05-13T13:47:00.004-05:00

LOVE MEANS -

....not laughing (too hard) when your husband tells you he got his second speeding ticket since you've been married. It is really hard not to laugh considering everyone calls me a speed demon, and him a slow poke.

....not getting too mad when the first speeding ticket is 20 miles from the state line, meaning it's in a state I am not licensed to practice law in (meaning we paid $350 for attorney's fees).

....not getting too mad when the second ticket is in the one county in which out-of-county lawyers know better than to appear. Meaning we paid someone $75 to handle it (plus court costs and fines).

...calling your husband, who you know, goes 45 or 50 in the 35 mph zone on Main Street, to tell him there is a cop hidden there, so he can avoid his 3rd ticket.

Maybe next time he should try this vanity plate - although it didn't work too well for this guy

He could try this approach

Or just hope the cops are busy with other matters.

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T19:45:00.000-05:00

I had a great Mother's Day weekend. On Friday I met some friends for lunch. Then it was over to do some shopping. Got some great deals. After that I attended the Mother's Day Tea at daycare with my kiddos. Munchkin gave me coupons for things like "Free Hug" and a decorated clay handprint. Bugaboo's class put together a DVD video of all the babies. It was adorable. Friday night was pretty low key.

Saturday was a rough night - Bugaboo had been up a lot. Hubby and Munchkin got up early and went to pick up donuts. Bugaboo and I chit-chatted and snuggled and played in bed. I was then served my favorite cream-filled chocolate donuts with coffee. The best was when Munchkin ate the chocolate frosting off the top of one donut and then gave it to me!

We all gathered to participate in a Walk to Fight MS. One of our church friends has MS. Many of our church friends came to walk. We had matching shirts that said "A's Angels" It was a 4 mile walk, pushing strollers, in the heat and very hilly. Good workout. Then I took Munchkin to a birthday party where there were horse rides. She loved it. Then we went to Olive Garden for dinner.

Saturday night was great. Hubby gave me a nice backrub. Then he took Bugaboo and settled in on the couch. I got to sleep in our bed, ALL night long. I can not remember the last time I've slept through the night. I was served breakfast in bed. Munchkin had bought me a butterfly prism for my office. Husband gave me a gift certificate to a spa. We attended church and then picked up sandwiches.

This afternoon Munchkin and Bugaboo played under the trees, in the shade of the backyard, while Husband and I prepared the garden. We picked up our vegetable plants and seeds and will put those in this week - tomatoes, carrots, green beans, squash, cucumbers and zucchini. Yum! I got a nice tan and a good workout.

My sister and I exchanged nice cards. We talked often. I placed the obligatory call to my mother during the 10 minute drive to church. The rest of the day was about spending time with family. It was great. Exactly what Mother's Day should be.