~Enola~

The Latest News

2010-11-03T15:23:00.004-05:00

I haven't been blogging much here. I started this blog as an outlet for sorting out my life as I healed from childhood trauma. I'm still healing and I don't think that will ever stop. But fortunately it isn't consuming my every waking moment any more. So where does that leave me with blogging?

I enjoy writing. It's an outlet for me. But it felt odd to inter-mix my parenting/general life stuff with the heavier stuff on here. And I found myself less and less inclined to write about abuse stuff and more inclined to write about work and home life. So I decided to create a separate blog. If you are so inclined to read it, email me or comment with your email and I'll send you a link.

I may be back to post more here, especially as things surface and hit. I will defintely be around to read all my blogging buddies' blogs.

Be safe and take care.

Finally Found the Perfect Card

2010-10-27T08:06:00.002-05:00

If you have a warped, sick sense of humor - or if you grew up in a dysfunctional family - check out www.bluntcard.com. I think I've finally found some cards appropriate to send my mom.

Sexual Abuse Survivors & DID Featured on Oprah

2010-10-07T20:30:00.007-05:00

I have read both of Erin Merryn's books and I must say they are wonderfully written. Erin is a powerful advocate for sexual abuse survivors everywhere. Her latest crusade is passing Erin's Law. In school, children experience fire drills and tornado drills. The "just say no" campaign teaches kids what to do when presented with drugs. But there is no program designed to teach kids what to do if someone attempts to molest the, or what to do if they have been abused. Erin's law is an education campaign to address this missing piece in school.

I was super excited to get a facebook message from Erin saying she was going to appear on Oprah. I watched the show last night. (Read about her appearance here). The show was a must-see.

Oprah's episode was titled "One Mom, 20 Personalities" and featured Kim Noble. There were flashbacks to Truddi Chase, and an update on her story, as well as an interview with her daughter.

I remember watching Truddi on Oprah. The original show aired in 1990. I don't know if i saw the original broadcast or a repeat. But it was in the 90s that I first saw it. I remember "rabbit" one of the personalities. I remember the terror in Truddi's voice and thinking how horrible it must be to have these personalities that just wouldn't forget about the abuse. (you may know Truddi from "when rabbit howls" or from the movie "The Voices within). At that time I thought my own method of "pushing the memories down" was the best way to cope.

There is an interview of two girls on the website discussing the show and they said, "They believed if they confided in their mother they would never have to see their molester again. But instead of going to the police, their mother, Ellen, struck a tragic deal with the man molesting her children. "I took the girls to a counselor. The counselor said, 'You know, really you have two choices,'" Ellen explains. "'You can have him arrested or you can see that he gets counseling,' which I thought I did. He didn't end up going continually to the counseling." Their own father, who knew what happened, remained close with the man, even continuing to bring the girls to the abuser's home." I can well relate to their situation. My mother gave me the two choices instead. Tell and go live with my father, or keep quiet and he (Toilet) would get counseling, which I thought he did, but he did not.

If you get the chance to see this episode online or on a rerun, watch it. It is very healing and very well presented. Also check out Erin's website and how you can support and advocate for Erin's law.

I Don't Know

2010-10-05T20:50:00.002-05:00

When you are little, you think parents have all the answers. My 6 year old is still convinced I have special vision and that is why I know exactly when she is doing something in the other room that she ought not be doing. She constantly tells me, "Mommy, you're so smart" when I help her with a homework problem. When I can find the missing sock, she says, "you're the bestest Mommy. How do you know so many things?"

I hate to burst her bubble but Mommy does not have all the answers.

Bugaboo is learning lots of new vocabulary words and "pop pop" is one of his favorites. Pop Pop can mean his grandpa (Husband's dad) or a lollipop. Munchkin wanted to know why she calls Husband Daddy but Husband calls his father "Pop." Why I call my grandfather "Grandpa" but she calls hers "Pop Pop." It became quite confusing. She asked me what I call my Dad and I said, "I used to call him Dad." She said, "oh yeah. He's the bad guy who is dead, right? We visited where he is in the ground."

I tried to explain that my father is dead and yes we did visit his grave. I explained that I used to see him a lot but things changed and I hadn't seen him in a very long time. I was trying to keep it simple. The last thing I want her asking if her daddy will leave like mine. I told her that he was not nice to be around and so Sister and I had chosen not to be around him. She asked, "is he the bad guy that Grandma lives with?"

I had to explain that Grandma does live with a bad man but that person is not my father. We talked about divorces. Some of her friends have divorced parents so she understood that some children don't have mommies and daddies who live together. I told her that Grandma remarried and her husband makes bad choices.

She wanted to know if that is why we don't go to Grandma's house and I explained yes that was the reason. She had been asking about visiting Grandma a few days prior. I told her that Mommy and Daddy would not let her be around that bad man so we didn't visit there and he was not allowed to come to our house.

Then she asks, "what bad things did he do?" I told her that they were bad things and we didn't need to go into all the details because that was grown-up stuff. I think she's still a little too young to know that.

So far I think I'm doing okay. Then she asks, "why did he do those things mommy?"

That, sweetie, I do not know.

Who Would You Believe?

2010-09-23T08:15:00.004-05:00

If you know a child in elementary school, chances are you are familiar with the color system as it relates to behavior. Most classes use some variation.

This year my daughter's class starts out with their cards on green. Green is good. Green means the teacher only has to remind them to stay in their seat once or to raise their hand. Green is what is expected from first-graders. If your behavior is less than green, then you flip your card to yellow which is a warning and small consequence and then blue which means a consequence and parents are called. Any worse is red which means a trip to the principal's office, a parent call and major consequences. Every day the students color the square on their calendar with what color then ended on. A parent has to sign the paper each night.

Last night as we drove home, I asked Munchkin if it was a green day. She said, "yes" (she's always been on green, or purple which is for extraordinary behavior) but then asked me what would happen if she ever came home with yellow, blue or red. I explained that those were not acceptable behaviors and that Daddy and I would have to discuss consequences. Munchkin became very quiet and said that she had been on yellow one time but by the end of day had earned back green. She further explained that the rule was no talking in the halls, but that day they had been told not to use a specific water fountain because it was broken. Her friend started to use that fountain and Munchkin told her not to use that one. The teacher caught her talking and put her on yellow.

I explained to Munchkin that I was glad she had earned back a green card. We all make mistakes or have accidents happen, but what is most important is learning from them. The fact that she re-gained green shows she learned from the incident. I asked her what she might do differently next time and she said tell the teacher the student was using the wrong fountain. Munchkin asked me if she would have gotten in trouble at home and I told her, "no." I explained that I thought she had been trying to help her friend and that her intentions were good. I praised her for thinking of her friend and then told her I thought it was a good idea next time to tell the teacher instead. I told her in that situation having to flip her card to yellow was consequence enough.

Munchkin got quiet and asked me who I would believe. I didn't understand and she said, "what if my teacher said something different. Who would you believe?"

-------- silence ------my thoughts ran wild ---------

Do I tell her I'd always believe her? I know kids stretch the truth sometimes. I know kids lie. I know kids try to cover up when they get in trouble. But I want to let her know I trust her and I believe her. But what if there is a time she tells a ridiculous lie? Remember that time in preschool when she was obviously lying and I knew the teacher's version was correct.

------- deep breath --------

I told Munchkin that I trusted her. I made sure she understood what trust meant. I told her that trust was a very important thing. I promised her that I would always want to find out from her what happened before I made a decision and that I would talk to her about what the teacher said. I told her it was important for her to always tell me the truth. I explained that just because a teacher flips her card to yellow doesn't mean the teacher didn't believe her. I ended by saying, "I love you and I believe in you. You can always tell me anything and I hope that you will always tell me the truth. I will love you no matter what you do and I trust that you will always try to do your best."

We pulled into the driveway then and we stopped talking. But I replayed the conversation over and over in my head. Did I say the right thing? Does she understand? What should I have said.

This parenting thing is not easy. Not at all. And not having had good role models makes it even harder. I'm thankful for good friends and moms of similar aged children (like Kim) who help me navigate through this journey.

What about you? Have any of you been in a similar situation? How have you handled it when you know your child isn't being fully honest about something but your child wants you to believe them over another adult?

Blog Carnival - Inner Child Edition

2010-09-20T08:42:00.002-05:00

Check out the Blog Carnival - Inner Child edition hosted by Dan at Thoughts Along the Road to Healing. There are lots of submissions for the inner child theme, as well as other posts generally related to child abuse. Go check it out! If you can, comment on the articles too and let them know you found the post through the carnival.

What I might have Been

2010-09-15T21:22:00.003-05:00

Do you ever wonder how you would have ended up had you not been abused? I suspect every abuse survivor has had such fantasies. Imagine if you had a mirror where you could see what "might have been."

My daughter is very much like me. In some ways that is good. In other ways, I am trying to influence her to be different. In her I see my love of books which is a positive. I also see my tendency toward being anxious, for which I am trying to teach her some coping skills.

This past week Munchkin came down with a stomach flu. The only person she wanted was Mommy. It was difficult to even get away from her to go to the bathroom by myself. In some ways the illness had nice results. It's hard to find time to really spend as much time as I would like snuggling with Munchkin. With illness, we couldn't go anywhere or do anything much. We spent all day napping, snuggling, watching TV, reading books and talking.

There was also a lot of time for reflection.

Of course I had the typical childhood stomach bugs, colds, chicken pox and other ailments. I do not remember much coddling or sympathy. When I was really young and sick, my mom would make a poached egg with toast dish. It was the only time she cooked that dish. It is the only concession I remember to being sick. There was no bell to ring. I learned early on how to hold my own hair back and my own trashcan. I learned how to clean myself up. I learned that being sick was not an excuse to interrupt mom's soap opera habit. You certainly never whined. Near death was the only reason an illness would require a trip to the doctor. Being sick simply meant you kept more to yourself.

At 6:30 am on a Sunday morning when I heard the pitter patter of little feet coupled with "Mommy my tummy hurts," I immediately scooted over on my bed, grabbed a trash can and wrapped my arms around Munchkin. I held her hair back and tucked it up in a ponytail when she was vomiting. I changed sheets, wiped her nose and mouth, and held her shoulders. I cleaned her up. I held her when she was sick and after. I made sure she had Gatorade, 7-up and everything else she needed. On the few times I did leave her sight, I was ready to run back in at a moment's notice if she called. I sat with her and watched hours of TV, let her nap on my shoulder and read her chapters and chapters of her favorite book.

I don't say this to toot my own horn. I can't say how I know to do this stuff. Some of it comes naturally. Some comes from what I've seen others do. Some comes from what I wish I had experienced.

I see much of myself in my daughter. It's interesting to see "myself" in a totally different environment from my childhood. In her I can catch small glimpses of what I might have been. I'm not sure yet what to do with the glimpses I'm seeing, but for right now I'm storing the information away to be sorted later.

Update to below post

2010-09-02T18:28:00.002-05:00

BIL is home. The doctors have no answers. They accuse him of not taking his bipolar meds, despite the fact that (1) Sister saw him take them the morning he passed out and (2) they gave him the meds in the hospital - yet he has zero levels in his system. So then they say maybe he metabolizes things quickly. Their other explanation is a seizure, but he's on anti-seizure meds for anxiety. Or a heart attack. Or anxiety.

So the good news is that he was released and his home, albeit with a heart monitor. Bad news is no answers. My sister is getting him in with a different practice that has a team approach - psychiatrist, cardiologist and neurologist.

Thanks for everyone's prayers and thoughts.

Separated by Miles

2010-08-31T15:08:00.006-05:00

531 miles - 8 1/2 hours

That distance is pissing me off right now. I'm wishing for a machine that will let me travel at the speed of light.

When I last posted, my sister, her husband and their three children were visiting. We had a great time. It was so much fun - one of the best visits we have had. The kids got along great, weather was great and we had a blast.

Sister got to see Munchkin's first soccer practice. She watched Bugaboo while DH and I took Munchkin to back-to-school night. It was great being together. We talked about how we really wish we lived closer. But I am not moving up north and she isn't moving down south so apart we stay. We planned our next visits - us up there for Thanksgiving and them down here for New Years.

Saturday I got a call from my sister that her husband was being rushed to the hospital. He had been found unconscious in his house. When he regained conscsiousness he complained of chest pain and head pain. BIL is 38 years old with no family history of heart disease. Lots of tests have revealed no answers. He's had some minor (to the doctors, although it sounded major to me) surgery, which didn't explain the problems he is having. There are still no answers.

My niece and nephews started school this week. So far they've had sitters every morning and evening. My Sister has been rushing back and forth to the hospital. She is supposed to start back to work herself (school system job) this Wednesday. I can hear it in her voice that she is exhausted.

It's just my sister and I. My mom sure isn't going to do anything to help - except call a zillion times a day and ask a zillion stupid questions. BIL is estranged from his (wacko) family too. Sister, like most abuse survivors, is very hesitant to leave her kids with just anyone. So having to find last minute sitters is pushing her anxiety through the roof.

531 miles - 8 1/2 hours separate us. I can't do anything about the mileage but I sure can cut down the 8 1/2 hour time. I'm waiting on call to see whether I hit the road or not.

Trying to Raise a Normal Child

2010-08-25T12:56:00.009-05:00

These past few weeks have been filled with lots of new things, adjustments and changes. Munchkin has finished summer camp and started first grade. She also started soccer through our local YMCA rec league. My sister and her gang came to visit for several days.

Munchkin was invited to a birthday party for a friend who had been in her kindergarten class. It was to start at a pottery place and then the kids were going back to the girl's house for a sleepover. I initially said Munchkin could only go to the pottery place. She is 6 - no way is she old enough for a sleep over with parents I barely know. Between the invite and the party I had the chance to interact with the mom (divorced) a few times and get to know her a bit better. I decided to accompany Munchkin to the pottery party. Then I drove her to the party house and let her swim and get into her pajamas and stay until 9 pm, at which time I picked her up. I even left her there by herself and didn't stay. She was the only child not sleeping over, but I still wasn't ready to cross that line yet.

Last night was Munchkin's first soccer practice. I was not impressed. I've been around rec leagues a time or two. I know how disorganized things can be. I wasn't expecting a miracle. I did expect the coach and assistant to introduce themselves, at least to the kids, if not to the parents. I did expect them to teach some basic skills to the kid, rather than just line them up and tell them to kick the ball into the goal. I also expected all the kids, boys and girls, to be given equal chances. This is a 5-6 year old, co-ed, introductory league. The asst coach was full of himself. Also a "scream at his kid to do better" type. After awhile the line of kids got closer to the goal and he was yelling at them to "move back." But then he looked at Munchkin who was next in line and said, "oh here you can come closer. We'll let girls kick closer since they can't kick as far." He then turned to the coach and snidely, but loudly said, "guess that is politically incorrect." Me and my big mouth, as well as my big-mouth sister, said loudly, "Yes it is." The asst coach just rolled his eyes. Munchkin then kicked a great kick right into the goal. So we stood up and yelled, "yeah, you go GIRL!" I fumed all night long.

Today I called the rec director and told him what had happened. He told me that only two people had signed up to be coaches and both of them had never coached before. He said that might explain the disorganization and the lack of teaching. He was going to contact the coach and offer some tips. He also said that all players get to play equally and if there were further chauvinistic comments to contact him. So I'm giving it one more shot. Disorganization I can tolerate. A new coach who isn't the best at teaching kids, I can help with. Chauvinistic remarks are not tolerated and will force me to go "mama bear" on you.

Tonight is the "back to school - opening night" at the church we've been visiting. We're not quite ready to join. But I want Munchkin to get involved in a Bible study activity and this church has a great kids' group. I have talked with another parent whose children attend. I have found out that the teacher of Munchkin's age group is a teacher (and therefore background checked by our state). And Munchkin is at an age where I can ask, and she can answer, about how things are going. So I'm thinking about letting her join. What I'm not ready to do is leave Bugaboo there. He's not quite 2 and can't tell me what happens. He's also not tolerant of strangers right now and has quite a bit of stranger anxiety. It took him 3 days to warm up to my sister and he sees her pretty frequently.

So what does all this mean? It is an example of the constant struggle I have between over-protective Mama Bear mode and loosey-goosey, let my kids do whatever they want mode. I know I will always tend toward the over-protective side and I'm okay with that. But I also don't want my child to be too restricted. This is a tough balance to keep and I'm not sure I'm always making the right decision. I feel good about the stance with the sleep-over. I feel a bit uneasy about the soccer and wish I had pushed harder for her to be on a different team. I think me and this asst coach might be having some words in the future. But time will tell and lessons will be learned.

If you are an abuse survivor, or if you grew up with over-protective or under-protective children, how has that shaped how you raise your own children? Any tips or advice?

For Sale - Humans - human trafficking

2010-08-18T06:15:00.000-05:00

Human trafficking is modern day slavery. It is the fasted growing criminal enterprise in the world, and generates billions of dollars per year. Victims are coerced or forced into sexual activity or labor. It includes pornography, prostitution, bride trafficking, and large scale sexual abuse of children.

One trend we are seeing here in my area is a huge increase in the number of children forced into prostitution. There have been large sting operations in the newspaper documenting a few successful attempts to infiltrate these groups and arrest the ring-leaders. However, for every success, we know there are large numbers that go undetected. We have learned of large groups of middle school girls that leave after school on Friday and are shipped through 3 states, forced to have sex with large numbers of men or to pose for pornographic pictures, only to return home Sunday night or Monday morning, in time for school. Families of these young girls are told they have no choice - either they let these girls go or risk being killed. With one gang, their focus were on families here illegally. The family feared being deported and this fear was further used to force cooperation

When people think of human trafficking, they think of immigrants, usually here illegally, being forced across state lines. That is sometimes the case, but not always. The biggest misconception about human trafficking is that it only involves the poverty stricken and immigrants. The truth is that human trafficking doesn't discriminate. It targets males and females, old and young, poor and rich. The Polaris Project is one organization combating human trafficking. It is named after the north star that guided slaves along the underground railroad toward freedom. It's website features testimonials from some survivors.

How many of us can relate to Dawn, from Canada, who says:

My name is Dawn and I am a daughter, sister, mother and contributing member of society. I am also an abused and molested child, former drug addict and prostitute. My life started out fairly normally up until my parents divorced when I was six years old..............................I have often heard men say that I had a choice, and I did, it was either work as a prostitute or starve to death because it is illegal in Canada to work at 12, not to mention that no one will hire you if you have no address and are only 13 or 14............................I got into prostitution at 16 when my girlfriend told me she could help me make enough money for a hotel room and living money. She had an older friend who liked to have 'parties' with several young girls and I could come if I wanted to. I would make a few bucks. The 'parties' involved several older men looking for sex with young girls…. at the first one I slept with 4 men and made $400.00 but I felt ashamed and remember crying while these men had sex with me. These “parties” continued for a long time....................The road back has been long and hard for me. I have had many defeats and some pretty nice victories as well. It has taken me close to 11 years to really feel as though I have come through the majority of the fire. And on the really hard days I miss my former friend...cocaine. But I know that is not the way. I have so much to lose, a wonderful family, good job, academic career and so many other thing. For the first time in my life the good out weighs the bad. I feel proud and lucky that I am still alive today to tell you my story. So the next time you see a woman on the street try to think of where she has come from before you judge.

With the increase in "sexting" how many young teens will be able to relate to Theresa, another survivor of human trafficking who says:

The late-night calls began when Theresa Flores was 15. In 1980, before everyone had a cell phone, the private phone that Flores' parents had installed in her bedroom was a luxury. But it nearly proved her undoing. Minutes after getting a call, Flores would silently slip out of the house, cut through the backyard and get in a car waiting at the curb. She would then be whisked away from her home in an affluent Detroit suburb to homes and hotels, anonymous places where she was forced to have sex for hours with strangers. "I can't describe to you the feeling of terror. No child should ever have to know that kind of fear. I didn't know what I was going to have to endure that night, for how long, or if I was going to come back home." What started innocently with Flores' infatuation with an older male classmate turned to date rape caught on film by some of the rapist's friends. They used the photos to blackmail the girl into sexual slavery that lasted two years and involved hundreds of men.

For more survivor testimonies, see here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After reading these accounts, especially Dawn's, I realize perhaps how close I came to meeting a similar fate. How many abuse survivors did whatever they had to in order to escape the abuse, only to fall into worse situations? When I read accounts like these, I realize that I am fortunate in many respects to have survived with my life, even as difficult as that life is sometimes.

The Big Brown Blob

2010-08-17T06:36:00.004-05:00

On my kitchen wall hangs a huge calendar. It is the desk top calendar type with big blocks, which I fill with writing. Each family member is assigned a color. At a glance I can see who is going where and who has what going on. If the calendar is filled with "orange" (husband's color) then I know I need to fill in with some "purple" (my color). And there definitely needs to be a good emphasis of red (family color).

When I was a little child, I learned that blending all the colors together made a big brown mess. Bugaboo loves to "cow-ar" (color) lately and most of his paintings end up looking like a big brown blob.

My life feels a bit like a big brown blob right now.

School starts soon. My life feels a bit on hold as we await the all-important notice to find out who will be Munchkin's teacher this year. She's also signed up to play soccer. We find out teams and practice nights at the end of this week. So my already rainbow colored calendar is going to be even more filled when I add in all those items. Hunting season starts soon and lots of orange is going to be creeping into the calendar soon. Because Husband is still working second shift (and that won't be changing any time in the near future) his hunting all day Saturday will really be cutting into family time. All of this puts more stress on me who already has all the stress of the children after work/school in the evenings. Juggling the calendar and making sure we aren't overbooked is my responsibility, and I typically do it well.

Perhaps all of these impending changes explain the rising anxiety I feel. The jittery feeling that won't go away. The tightness in my chest and inability to catch a full breath. Perhaps it has to do with the doctor's appointment reminder call telling me about Bugaboo's doctor's appointment which I had completely forgot and which is not at all on the calendar. (how did that happen?)

In the past I would have some sense of security in church. I knew that on Wednesday evenings and Sunday mornings I would be seeing much of my support network. People that I could just walk by and get a pat on the shoulder or a hug. People that can joke with me about school starting and the school supply rush. Those encounters two times a week kept me going. I don't go to that church anymore. Several of the people I considered friends have "unfriended" me on facebook. I miss my twice daily dose of cheer and pick-me-ups.

I don't do well with chaos and uncertainty. I have found myself redecorating and reorganizing my house. We disassembled the crib and reorganized furniture between the kids' rooms this weekend. I have purged old documents and all the dollar-store crappy toys that seem to accumulate. All of this is an attempt to find some sense of normalcy and organization, at least in my physical surroundings.

But there is something else out there. I can't put my finger on it. I know a lot of this "Thing" is the uncertainty that has resulted from leaving my church. But that doesn't explain the increase in panic attacks and intrusive pictures/memories that keep popping into my head lately. I don't know what that comes from.

I figure if things are much better next week after I have learned and planned for the school routine and schedules, then it is probably just back-to-school stress. If not, then I need to dig a little deeper. There is this nagging voice in my head that says there are some undealt with issues/memories trying to surface - but I keep beating that voice back into submission.

10 Things a Man Can Do

2010-08-16T10:55:00.004-05:00

A Call to Men is a national organization addressing domestic and sexual violence prevention and the promotion of healthy manhood. A Call to Men holds men
accountable for the prevention of domestic and sexual violence. They often team up with women's organizations like Rape Crisis centers. On their website, they have a list of 10 Things Men Can Do In Domestic and Sexual Violence Prevention. I thought it was great so I wanted to share it here.

10 Things Men Can Do

1. Acknowledge and understand how male dominance and aspects of unhealthy
manhood are at the foundation domestic and sexual violence.

2. Examine and challenge our individual beliefs and the role that we play in
supporting men who are abusive.

3. Recognize and stop colluding with other men by getting out of our socially defined roles, and take a stance to prevent domestic and sexual violence.

4. Remember that our silence is affirming. When we choose not to speak out against domestic and sexual violence, we are supporting it.

5. Educate and re-educate our sons and other young men about our responsibility in preventing domestic and sexual violence.

6."Break out of the man box"- Challenge traditional images of manhood that stop us from actively taking a stand in domestic and sexual violence prevention.

7. Accept and own our responsibility that domestic and sexual violence will not end until men become part of the solution to end it. We must take an active role in creating a cultural and social shift that no longer tolerates violence and discrimination against women and girls.

8. Stop supporting the notion that domestic and sexual violence is due to mental illness, lack of anger management skills, chemical dependency, stress, etc… Domestic and sexual violence is rooted in male dominance and the socialization of men.

9. Take responsibility for creating appropriate and effective ways to educate and
raise awareness about domestic and sexual violence prevention.

10. Create responsible and accountable men's initiatives in your community to support domestic and sexual violence prevention.

If you are interested in this group, check out their website. One of their latest missions is to get 5,000 men to say No to violence against women. Click this link here to add your name and become one of these men.

Fully and Irrevocably Terminated

2010-08-11T08:44:00.008-05:00

I'm working on preparing orders from last week's court hearing. I just typed this sentence and it jumped off the screen at me -

That the parental rights of the Mother be and are herewith irrevocably terminated in and to the minor child Jane Ann Smith; those being all the rights and obligations of the Mother to the minor child and of the said minor child to the Mother arising from the parental relationship hereby being fully and irrevocably terminated.

What a powerful statement to this child. Jane Smith (not her real name obviously) is not yet three years old. She doesn't understand what is going on. She knows that she was hurt as a baby. She knows that her mother left for "work" over one year ago, leaving Jane in the home of her purported grandmother. The mother never returned. After some time had passed, the Grandmother needed to take Jane to the doctor and so she called Social Services. Genetic testing revealed that the person that is the Grandmother's son is not the biological father of little Jane. No one knows who Jane's father is. The Grandmother decided blood wasn't any thicker than water in this case and she was going to keep Jane. The termination of Mom and (now unknown) Dad's parental rights were necessary so Grandmother can adopt Jane.

It was a simple hearing. The Grandmother showed up. No one else was there. No one objected or contested. I presented enough facts for the court to find there were grounds to terminate rights and that it was in Jane's best interest that it be done. After I finished, the Grandmother filed her petition to adopt.

Such a simple court process. I came back to the office and was typing the Order. What powerful words.

All the rights and obligations of the Mother to the child arising from the parental relationship are fully and irrevocably terminated

If you are a survivor of parent (or parental figure) abuse, then you know that your parents abused the parental rights they were given. They didn't deserve them. Through their own actions they terminated their rights. They refused to undertake any of the obligations parents should, especially the obligation to love their child and keep them safe.

As a child you don't know understand all the rights, responsibilities and obligations a parent should have. You just know your parents aren't keeping you safe. They are hurting you. They just aren't acting right. Even young children have an understanding of right and wrong. It takes a long time for children to understand consequences, and even when they do, it is mostly other people imposing consequences on them.

I remember wondering when my parents were going to suffer consequences. Here I was trying to grow up and do right. I was constantly reminded that bad actions (and even sometimes not-so-bad actions) had consequences. When was someone, anyone, going to impose some consequences on my parents? On my abuser?

I didn't have a grandmother-figure that came in to save me. My relatives all took the "blood is thicker than water" mantra to heart. They kept quiet, circled the wagons, and told me to keep quiet and respect my parents. They sure weren't taking any actions to protect me or to see that consequences were appropriately meted out to my parents.

When I typed that paragraph above, it was powerful. I don't take joy in drawing the big red line between Jane and her parents. But I do take a sense of satisfaction in imposing some consequences on her parents. And I did take great joy in helping hand up the adoption petition.

I'm wondering how many of us would find satisfaction in writing our own termination order. You could you know. I previously drafted my own divorce decree. It was really powerful. If you think you'd find it helpful, feel free to borrow mine and adapt it accordingly. Take a try at drafting your own Termination Order too, if you want. Words can be a powerful thing. I felt that today. And sometimes taking words and using them for your own healing is a great and powerful thing too.

Don't Take my Baby - excerpts from the job

2010-08-10T07:04:00.000-05:00

"Don't take my baby.........don't take my baby........you can't take my baby...."

I've been doing a bit of work in the abuse/neglect arena of social services. I swore up and down I wanted no part of this area of law when I started in this job. But then I began to miss the courtroom and trial work. I missed the excitement of trials. I started attending juvenile court and helped out with some research and such. I became more and more involved. Fast forward to today when, in the interest of "cross-training," I am handling the child welfare docket once per month.

I am enjoying this work immensely. I know that there is no way I could have handled these cases even one year ago - definitely not in the midst of those three years of intense healing. Now, however, I am working to achieve a balance between legal objectivity and panic-induced over-awareness. It hasn't been a perfect balance, and it continues to be a struggle, but one worth fighting.

Recently I observed a case. I watched a stone-faced mother sit in court and tell the judge that yes, she was still living with the man that the court found to have sexually assaulted her ten year old daughter. I kept staring at this mother. The social workers hoped that hearing all the facts at trial would get through to this woman. But it did not. Getting the mother involved in a non-offending parent therapy program has not helped. The mother showed up in court this time proud that she had completed all the items on her check-list - substance abuse assessment, psychological evaluation, non-offending parent therapy. The Judge point-blank told the mother that it didn't matter how many boxes she checked - until the Judge could be assured that this child would be safe in the mother's home, the child was not going home. Not just this child (the victim) but all the children (the two siblings too). I wanted to stand up and cheer, "Go Your Honor!"

In another case where the boyfriend is accused of molesting a young girl, the father was brought to trial from jail, where he is serving time. He sat next to the father of this girl's brother. Both men are serving time. I saw the men whispering. I saw the looks they were shooting to the mother and her boyfriend. I needed to discuss some matters with these men and ask them if they wished to be transported in for further hearings. They adamantly said, "yes." My surprise must have showed on my face. These men have no chance of being reunited with their children or of playing any meaningful role in their lives - both are serving long-term sentences. One of the men remarked, "I'm gonna be here to listen to the trial. If I find out that man hurt that child.......well I have friends on the outside. And I'm already serving one life sentence for murder. Another won't matter." The man speaking wasn't even the girl's father, but rather the father of the brother. The daughter's dad said, "Let him [boyfriend] get in here. He'll be taken care of." I couldn't help it. I smiled. I nodded. That man stood a notch higher in my eye.

Today was my first hearing where I requested a child come into foster care. The mother isn't an overly terrible person. She is just clueless. She lacks all motivation. Even the filing of this action against her didn't spur action. Perhaps the child coming out of her care will help. I heard her wailing behind me, "Don't take my baby......" It wasn't as hard to hear as I thought it might. This child deserves a better chance. He deserves to go to school the entire year and not miss half the school days because his mother can't get up on time. He deserves to learn to read and write, and have a parent who does more than sit him in front of computer tutoring programs.

I'm expecting some tough times as I take on more in this area of work. I have made it clear that I do not want to handle any serious sexual assault cases or any cases where children are testifying. That wouldn't be good for me - or the case.

This isn't what I pictured myself doing. But I'm feeling good about it. I feel like I'm making a difference.

At our staff meetings, awards are given out to nominated employees for going "above and beyond." One of the social workers was nominated based on a letter sent from a former foster child. The child wrote, "Ten years ago I told you that a bad man hurt me. You believed me. It made all the difference in the world. Thank you."

I don't want thanks. But I do want to make a difference. Fighting through the healing process is letting me do that.

Church Saga - I've been doing it wrong

2010-08-03T06:56:00.001-05:00

Many of the comments have asked about the pastor. It is so hard to know what is true and what is not. I know many of his stories are exaggerated. I did not know by how much until we started doing some fact-checking.

What I do know is true is that there was a horrific church split from which my church (now old church) was formed. The pastor was accused of manipulation and being overly controlling. We now know that those accusations are probably true. However, the way in which the split took place was not appropriate. I was not there. However, some of those in my group were. The church called a meeting and invited all members, even those who hadn't attended church in years. There was a public meeting with the pastor and his family present. He was voted out - a close vote with a margin of less than 10. He and his family were then escorted out.

There were tape recorded conversations and even rumors of bugged offices. It was a horrible situation.

It's common knowledge that the pastor is paranoid. Everyone knows it. The pastor admits it. I always assumed it was from the church split. However, his family and those that grew up with him, say the pastor has always been that way. So I'm really not sure what caused it. I know that he is delusional because of his paranoia. He will do things out of his paranoia in attempts to take control. He makes up stories and lies. What is astounding is that he then believes the lies - so he can look you in the eyes and lie straight to your face. I truly believe he could pass a lie detector test.

I realize that my faith has been intertwined with my church. To some extent that is not a bad thing. However, it becomes a major problem when your church leader is not a godly person.

A friend sent me an article entitled "Is your Pastor a Cult Leader?" At first I laughed. But then I read on -

While many of today's evangelical pastors don't reject the foundational Christian doctrines such as the virgin birth, the trinity, the resurrection and salvation through Jesus Christ alone; they do however exhibit some of the following characteristics that are common to cult leaders.
1. Specially appointed by God (our pastor claims to be "called" by God. Not unusual for a pastor to claim. However, he sometimes says it happened at age 12, sometimes at age 15, and sometimes other ages. He can not give details of his calling and has never talked about his own faith profession).

2. The cult's adherents often expound the virtues of the leader and seek to cover the leader's sins and wickedness.

Some of the 'virtues' espoused by the defenders of today's cult-celebrity pastors include:

1. Attendance has increased under his leadership
2. Giving has increased under his leadership
3. He is a very gifted speaker and communicator
4. He is attracting and appealing to a younger audience that has been missing from our church
5. He is so personable
6. He is a strong leader (numbers 1, and 2 are definitely claimed by the pastor. He is seen as "attractive" although in a used-car salesman type way. He married a woman who inherited a LOT of money. So he wears very expensive suits and drives very expensive cars. He has the air of someone who is important).

3. Entangling Organization Structure: The less truth a movement represents, the more highly it seems to have to organize itself; the absence of truth seems to make necessary the application of the bonds of fear. Cults often demand total commitment by their converts to an organizational involvement that entangles them in a complicated set of human restrictions, giving the impression of passionate and often irrational devotion to a cause.

Many of today's cult-celebrity pastors rule with an iron fist of threats and intimidation. Some of these pastors don't like to be involved in the intimidation themselves so they leave it up to some of their deacons, elders, associate pastors, or ministry representatives. (absolutely. The pastor has no respect for organizational structure or rules. He completely ignores bylaws and rules that the congregation has established. If you dare question him, he reverts to rule 1 - he is called by God or accuses you of breaking confidence. But he does not take action himself. He hides himself in his home and calls himself "above" such worldly things. Instead his minions are the ones calling meetings and taking action for him.)

Biblically-minded Christians are often completely astounded by how committed the sheep will be to their cult-celebrity pastor. Even in the face of irresponsible, immature, unethical and even illegal activities by the pastor or ministry leader, the flock will passionately defend them with arguments and excuses that are completely irrational as they disregard the truth that stares them squarely in the face.

Those that question the pastor or ministry leader are guaranteed to be admonished by him and his leadership team to cease their criticism or find another church or ministry organization. (this is where we find ourselves now) Indeed this is kind of control and manipulation on the part of the leadership entangles many of the church-goers or followers because they don't desire to give up their freedom of speech, conscience or convictions. Neither, do they desire to leave the church in which many of them were raised, married, dedicated their children and even held funeral services for their parents and/or grandparents. The church members indeed find themselves entangled by fear that the truth with banish them from what they have come to love dearly ' the church.

This fear of banishment is what I've struggled with. I've come to realize that I'm "doing" church wrong. I've been so caught up in church that I've forgotten that I'm called to a relationship with God - not a church. And I'm not finding God in this church, and haven't in awhile. So for me and my family it is time to leave.

This week every member of my small group is resigning all positions of authority. We are seeking new churches. We have also committed to trying to meet for a Bible study, realizing that that our lives have been wrapped up in church. Just for my family, Husband often taught a Sunday school. He was also a deacon. I oversaw many of the children's ministries and was in charge of the toddler nursery. I was also a trustee. I taught a Bible study this past year. We've both attended a Bible study each year. So one weeknight a week was individual study. Wednesdays were fellowship and church. Munchkin's friends are church friends. Our babysitter is a church member.

I'm struggling now to keep myself in my faith because of the anger and sadness with church. And struggling with whether I need to get that issue figured out and resolved before I find a new church -- or whether finding a new church is the key to those issues.

Church Saga - twisted up

2010-08-02T07:10:00.001-05:00

Dealing with the church drama came at the same time I weaned off all depression medication. I still have a prescription for xanax but committed to not taking it for anxiety more than 2x a week (I sometimes take a half at night to sleep).

So here I am, med-free, with emotions all over the place. I've never cried so often or so much. I've punched pillows in anger, thrown a whole Sunday newspaper of wadded up paper, and yelled into pillows. I've also laughed uproariously with this group of 11.

This Pastor has been like a father-figure to me. Aren't pastors supposed to be? When I finally allowed myself to see the impropriety of the meeting with the pastor (here) I was upset. My emotions and feelings were totally validated by seeing the concern, and even anger, of those around me. I was angry that the children's policies committee was supposedly voted out. I was angry at how the situation with Mitch was handled. I knew the pastor's take was that I was being "too sensitive." It helped that those in my group didn't see me as over-reacting. It felt good to be part of a group that was supporting each other. It was so healing to see these strong men lead their families in making decisions. To see these men meet together and then go confront the pastor. To feel protected by this group. To be a part of Godly women who met to pray while our men were out fighting for us. It was a great feeling of safety.

The pastor refused to return phone calls, emails, etc. Canceled a meeting. So I drafted and sent a resignation letter. It was professional. I wrote one that was several pages long and very emotional. I then redacted everything personal. I kept it to just the facts. Several other people resigned. Suddenly the church was without teachers for 1st through 6th grades; 4 deacons, 3 of 5 trustees and almost all the tellers. Rumors began to stir and our phones again were ringing.

Through it all, the group stayed together and refused to engage in any gossiping or rumor-mongering. If someone contacted us, we kept to a very brief version of the facts. The pastor's defense is that his actions in deciding who should be deacon (ignoring the will of the congregation) was made in confidence with only the deacon leadership. Instead of admitting wrong, he claimed some pastoral privilege and shifted the focus to the deacon chair in breaking confidence by telling others. He called this chairperson (my friend) a "Judas" and a "liar" and a "master manipulator." Instead of dealing with the issue of Mitch and the policies, he was intent on keeping things quiet so no one got uncomfortable and left.

A church member, sensing a huge church split, suggested mediation. So one of our couples met with the pastor and a mediator. I expected the couple to contact all of us after and update us on what happened. After an entire day went by, we got an email from this couple that there had been an impasse and that it was time to move on and put the past behind us.

My emotions were again in turmoil. I was being told to cover things up, exposing things were wrong, and to put the past behind and move forward. All of these messages are ones I heard throughout my childhood. I'm trying to sort through all of these messages and determine what fits where.

I wonder if every crisis and big event in my life will step on my toes like this and get twisted up in the emotions of my childhood? If all of life's emotions will be filtered through events of the past?

The Church Saga - why we left

2010-08-01T08:15:00.004-05:00

There was this incident where I was disappointed by the pastor. I had trouble believing that this guy was the same pastor who had acted so firmly before. In talking with friends it became apparent that many others were concerned with different things going on in church. Many members were leaving without explanation.

Eleven of us met to talk and pray. We started the meeting with prayer and with a piece of paper. On the paper we were asked to list the top 3 issues we thought existed. Each of us listed honesty, manipulation, and deceit. Obviously not qualities you want in a church leader.

As we discussed specifics, we became more concerned. We realized just how few people who had helped found this church less than 15 years prior were still members. This group committed to make sure we focused on facts and not rumors. We decided to spend time making sure we had the truth in front of us. We would then decide what to do with it. So we called people, read church documents and got back together. What we learned was outstanding. Bylaws were ignored. Financial policies were violated or just ignored. Deacon elections were manipulated so that strong-willed people were not permitted to serve. Then there were the outright lies to cover all of these issues up.

We researched the Bible and determined we would act in accordance with Biblical standards. Since the deacon chair had already tried to discuss the issues with the pastor, we decided two additional men would go with him. It resulted in the pastor storming out of his office and yelling at these men in the parking lot.

The pastor then refused to take calls, return emails or even make an appearance in his office. He claimed that the "parking lot debacle" had "gotten physical" forgetting that he was the only one yelling. He organized a meeting of all deacons, except the chair, my husband and another one he suspected of being in cahoots with us. The purpose was to "vote out" the deacon chair for daring to discuss any church business with us. Our phones rang off the hook.

In all of this, two interesting things happened. When describing a meeting I had with the pastor of the Mitch incident, I mentioned how the pastor acted odd. He asked to speak with me and we went to his office. When drafting church policies, he told me he never, ever met with females alone in his office. I had never met with him alone in his office. On this day, he took me in his office and shut the door. In my profession I have met with many male clients in offices. So I was fine with this. Until he walked over to the window that faced the parking lot and shut the blinds. He said, "I don't want people to see us meeting." Then instead of sitting in the chair behind his desk or in the two armchairs facing the couch I was sitting on, he sat next to me on this 2 person couch. That struck me as odd. He was sitting back, relaxed. I immediately scootched forward and turned sidways.

Alarms went off in my head but I kept pushing them aside because I became so focused and mad about what was being said. I didn't think much of it later because I was still so mad about what was said. It was only when mentioning this off the cuff, that it struck me just how inappropriate this was. My husband and the other men in our group were really mad. My husband wanted to go give the pastor "what for."

Our group also chose to tell the others in our group about Mitch. The same gentleman who had gone after that sex-abuse couple, who is the same man who was blackballed as a deacon, is a hot tempered man. He was furious. Everyone else was trying to calm him down. I didn't want to see anyone get hurt. But I did like seeing him get mad. It was healing for me to see a man get mad about something like this.

The pastor refuses to admit he did anything wrong. He, and some of the church members, believe he should run the business of the church as he sees fit. Our group disagrees and think that a church who organizes itself as a "priesthood of believers" with bylaws and policies, ought to follow them.

I never thought leaving a church would be so emotional. But it sure has been.

Church Saga continued - the backstory

2010-07-31T07:47:00.002-05:00

My husband and I had belonged to this Church just a short while when I saw a scary sight from the choir loft where I was singing. Just that week before a client had come into my office and told me that his children had revealed that their mother and her new boyfriend had sexually abused them. I helped the client file for immediate custody and we made a report to Social Services. As I began to sing the choir anthem, my vision focused on a couple I had not seen in church before. It was my client's ex-wife and her boyfriend.

I sat there trying to decide how to react. This woman hated me. I had taken her children and got her fired from her job running a home daycare. I don't know why this couple stayed. But they did. And kept coming back.

I told the pastor and church officials they needed to go down and read a certain court file. I then got permission from my client to tell the church what they needed to know.

The pastor did not take the position that these folks were "innocent until proven guilty." He acted immediately. He and the Deacon Chairperson were wonderful. At one point there was a meeting and the male threatened the Deacon Chair saying "well anyone can make allegations and there might be some about you and your daughter this afternoon. See how you like DSS in your life." The Pastor and Deacon chair didn't act so Sunday-school-like at that moment.

This situation and how it was handled furthered my bond with my church. I was awestruck to see these men take a stand to protect those around them. I began to see the pastor as a fatherly figure. To see a pastor so committed to keeping children safe was reassuring.

Soon thereafter, I was asked to assist in drafting a set of policies which would govern activities with our children. The three-fold purpose was to protect children, volunteers and the staff. A committee and I set to work and I think, we did a great job. We have a comprehensive protections policy.

Fast forward a year or so and my father decided to make a brief reappearance in my life. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. This was pre-therapy and so my husband and I met with the pastor. He was really good. I didn't go into details of my childhood but I know he got the general theme. The pastor gave me the analogy of a healing wound. You need to be really careful before you rip the scab off a wound and expose it to the world again. The pastor told me I was not required to meet my father. I felt validated.

Fast forward to two years ago when my father died. Friends of ours, not knowing the funeral was out-of-state, offered to attend the service with me. Just to support me.

This church has supported my family. When Husband had knee surgery when Munchkin was just 8 months old, the church hired someone to take care of our yard work that summer. With each child we have had meals for weeks. Both of my children have been dedicated there. We went through a building campaign, and after much prayer, we gifted a large sum of money in furtherance of having a true sanctuary. We were a part of the building plans and were there the first Sunday in the beautiful new sanctuary. My Husband and I were both baptized as part of the first baptismal in the new sanctuary.

There are a lot of memories tied up in this church and in the people involved. Church is my family. When I'm happy, I share it with these people. When I'm sad, I call upon these people. When I need something, it is this group I call. My family is in this church every Wednesday and Sunday. Holidays are marked with special services at church. Our friends are from this church. My daughter doesn't know how to celebrate Halloween without the church fall festival, or Easter without the church egg hunt. She looks forward to vacation Bible school and the back-to-school bear hunt every year.

All of that is now changed.

Healing Begins

2010-07-30T06:41:00.002-05:00

I heard this song on the way into work this morning. It would have fit perfectly with yesterday's post.

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

The Child Abuse Screen

2010-07-29T09:22:00.004-05:00

Before I began dealing with the abuse, I lived life separated from others by a thick wall. Very few people got through. I didn't talk about the abuse. I didn't acknowledge the abuse. I didn't admit it had any affect on me.

Life put a few cracks in my wall. I let people in, let life in, and suffered a few injuries. But I still was plenty protected.

Through the therapy process I began tearing down sections of the wall. I thought that this was the solution and I would live life free!

In the past year I have stopped counseing, come of medication, stopped blogging and moved on to the Post-Abuse world. I have talked in terms of healED instead of healING. I patted myself on the back for surviving and waited for life to change now that I had finished the race. And I waited....and waited...and waited......

I still process things through the filter of being an abused child. It's like there is an internal filter that all life experiences go through.

The filter has changed with therapy, for sure. Whereas before very few things got through, now more and more comes in. I feel emotions now and can deal with them somewhat. The stuff that is let in doesn't instantly and always produce level 10 earthquake-type panic attacks. I expected that to change with time, healing and therapy and it has.

What I, perhaps naively, expected was a post-abuse, it doesn't bother or affect me anymore, change. I'm learning that this is not going to happen, and perhaps isn't possible.

Abuse changed me. It shaped who I was then and who I am now. I will never trust people like I would have if I hadn't been abused. I will never recover from a breach of trust like I might have otherwise. I will never handle someone coming up behind me the same way. Abuse is no longer a brick wall, but it remains a screen.

I can see things and be seen. But there will always be that screen through which everything is filtered.

What I am learning is that everyone has screens. They are different shapes, sizes and colors, but they are there. Everyone sees the world differently, shaped and guided by their life experiences. I just have to learn that a large part of mine is my childhood experiences. They can't go away. They can become less of a hinderance but they will always be there.

The next step -- figuring out what to do with this realization. How do I get others to acknowledge my screen, respect it, and see their own screens?

Coping - how I survived

2010-07-28T07:09:00.001-05:00

I have written about how I survived the abuse. Or at least I've tried to write about it and describe it. The hide-n-seek games I played within myself. It is hard to put a lack of feeling into words.

I stumbled across a blog last evening. The first post I read is called "Numb" and it is on the blog called The Difficult Things.

Have you ever read something and instantly felt a connection? Wanted to stand up and shout "YES!" Found yourself nodding in agreement and crying? That is how I felt when I read this post. It put into words so well what I tried for so long to explain. Read it. You just might relate. I hope you won't - because I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But if you can relate, then I think you will see just well it is explained.

Church Saga - how I ended up where I am.

2010-07-27T11:01:00.000-05:00

I keep meaning to go back to writing but then I try to figure out what I will write about. The main issue I am dealing with and that is consuming nearly every moment - awake and sleeping - is church. It may not be interesting for anyone else to read but it helps me to write it out here.

I didn't grow up going to church. My interactions with organized religion started in high school when I went with a friend to a very strict orthodox church. I found myself strangely attracted to the concept of religion and the beliefs, but I did not like that particular religion. It was led by a very male-dominate minister. He taught that women should stay home, not work, home-school, and above all follow the man of the house. Women could teach children but never adults. Surprisingly I didn't totally run the other way entirely.

In college I started attending an on-campus Christian organization. It was non-denominational and we actually attended different types of churches almost every week. I began to see what type of worship styles I liked and what I did not.

My husband grew up in a very small methodist church. It was family run with one or two families controlling everything. Since the pastor rotated through every three to five years, the same families stayed in control and became further entrenched.

When Husband and I started visiting churches, we liked the structure of the Baptist churches. There seemed a good balance between pastoral control and congregational control. When we moved to our present location, we noticed a church fairly close to our house and decided to visit. We felt a fit and never visited elsewhere.

Fast-forward ten years and we are still in that church. I became a trustee which is the board that handles the legal affairs - signs documents, contracts, loans, holds the title of the property. My husband is a deacon which is a spiritual leader of the church. We've both taught Sunday school and are active with the children's programs. Most of our local friends are members of the church. We go to church on Sunday mornings and Wednesday evenings. Most of our holiday activities are built around church. Our children look forward to Easter egg hunts, fall festivals and summer camps.

If you've read this blog for any length of time, you'll understand why I have issues with male authority figures. Over the past ten years, my pastor has broken through some of my self-erected walls and I trusted him. In the last two months, more has happened to break that trust than ever before.

This past week I resigned from all positions of leadership in church. We attended a different church this past week and are looking for a new church. I used to think people who talked about nasty church splits were overly dramatic but now I see what a struggle it really is. I'm also seeing how issues raised now are intertwining and stepping on my toes which are already sensitive from abuse. Now the question becomes how to process all this and deal with it? This is where writing comes in. I hope to sort things out and go forward from here with some clarity.

Welcome Back to Me!

2010-07-26T12:37:00.001-05:00

Welcome back to me. Hopefully this isn't a limited appearance and I'll actually stick around and write some. No promises though. Things are a bit crazy in my life.

I chose a new background and layout. I like the picture of the dandelion because I often feel tossed about by the wind. I don't like the narrow columns and would prefer they were a bit wider but can't figure out how to change that.

There have been a lot of changes in my life recently. Husband took yet another new job. He had taken one but it was second shift, seven days a week and we never saw him. However, since his unemployment ran out and we weren't sure if there would be an extension, he had to take something. Luckily, within a month he found this present job. It is still second shift but only Monday to Friday. The pay is average - less than what he was earning before but a tiny bit more than he was getting on unemployment. However, the benefits are awesome, especially their health insurance.

It has been an adjustment, having both kids at home with me all alone. I get up and leave and Husband gets the kids up and off to daycare/summer camp. Then I have to do the evening rush. Get them home about 5:30, find something for supper, feed them, bathe them, homework during the school year, any activites, bedtime and then do my stuff. I'm exhausted come Friday.

On weekends we try to cram in family time. Which doesn't leave us a lot of time together. But the advantages are no before-school for Munchkin. And Bugaboo gets to hang out with Daddy sometimes until he goes into work. When the kids are sick, there is only a 2 1/2 hour gap where we don't have child care. Much easier for one of us to miss a few hours of work than a whole day.

I'm completely off all medications for depression and just taking xanax as needed - which isn't often for panic. But I do take 1/2 pill fairly frequently to help with sleep. I still can't convince my busy brain to shut down at night. So the xanax helps with that. I think I might would do better with an anti-depressant but I hate the side effects so it's a catch-22 at the moment.

I am going to try to get back to blogging in hopes that sorting out my feelings here will help me sleep better at night without the xanax. We shall see.....

4th Anniversary - Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

2010-06-20T19:13:00.001-05:00

Four years -- Wow! Check out the anniversary edition here!

General Update

2010-06-20T15:00:00.000-05:00

I've not written in awhile or often. I find myself thinking I should shut down my blog, but then I remind myself that I write for me - not for others. Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy the relationships I've formed with other bloggers. But the primary purpose of blogging is to have my own diary.

My lack of blogging is not that there isn't anything going on. Rather it is that there is too much going on. In addition my laptop keyboard hates me. It eats my letters. There is a delay between my hitting a key and it appearing on screen. Then it randomly scrambles letters too. But enough of that.

I survived Munchkin's first year of school. She did amazingly well. She was promoted to first grade, and is already reading on a third-grade level. She has lost both er front teeth which I think is adorable.Bugaboo is an active toddler. He sure has figured out this walking bit. We are getting into the terrible 2 stage rapidly and he definitely has a mind of his own. Husband got a job - a new, new one. The first new one only lasted a few weeks because they wanted him to work 7 days a week. Now he works Mon - Fri, but it is second shift. For the summer that is not so bad - he gets to be home with the kids some before Munchkin goes to summer camp and Bugaboo to daycare.

Our church is experiencing major problems. Aside from the issue I posted about recently, there are other issues which causing turmoil and people are leaving left and right.

Work is great. I am doing more child welfare cases and really enjoying it. Even if it does step on toes. I could not have done this even one year ago but now I am ready to kick me some deadbeat parents' butts.

So if you've not updated in awhile leave a note saying how you are. What's new with you?

Let Down by Church Men

2010-05-31T11:14:00.005-05:00

I haven't been writing much. Computer problems at home (keyboard issues) and less time in the office (more court) means I'm behind in posting. I've also been up to my eyeballs in church issues.

About a year ago, a few church members began asking me if Mitch (not real name) was "approved," meaning background checked, met the minimum length of membership and all the other requirements. I'm head of the group that oversees approving volunteers at church. Mitch was approved, but the number of inquiries peaked my curiosity. Then my friend told me what had been going on.

Mitch is a 60-something year old man, with two almost-grown sons and a wife. He takes no interest in his family. Rather, he attaches himself to a family with young (pre-teen) girls. He invites them to his farm where they can fish in his pond. He be-friends them on facebook. He plays online games with them. He likes to ride roller coasters with them. He is fun to be around -- until he is always around. Calling, texting, emailing up to 8x a day. "where are you?" "when will you be home?" "How do I know that is where you really are - send me a picture." When the calls aren't returned or the girls want to be with their friends, he cries, calls himself an "old pitiful man" or says he ought to go "jump in his pond."

I called the pastor who confronted him. My friend cut off all contact between he and her daughter. The pastor said not to worry - he had talked to Mitch. It was fine. There was just a misunderstanding. I didn't buy it. And Mitch didn't stop...he just moved on to a new family and a new girl.

That was almost 1 year ago. This past week the newest family called me. Mitch had become so clingy the girl told her parents that he was "creepy" and she "didn't want to be around him." After a few days went by with no contact, Mitch lost it. He wrote a letter and gave it to this girl's friend to give to her. The friend's father opened it.

The letter was over the top. "I am just an old man. You probably don't like me because of my balding head and I'm overweight." On and on. He talks about wanting a hug from her more than anything. He includes a DVD with pictures of this girl and tells her to listen to the words closely. The song is Uncle Kracker's "Smile." It is a song a boyfriend would send a girlfriend.

Three fathers of pre-teen girls, one of them the girl that the letter was written to, and the pastor were present with Mitch when the letter was found and read. None of them killed Mitch. They didn't even lay a hand on him or threaten to kill him. Instead they called a meeting. Later that night, I got a call from the mother about assisting with a restraining order or other legal action.

Now let me clarify that no one involved thinks Mitch has inappropriately touched any child....yet. I think he will. However, he has definitely crossed boundaries. He acts like a ten-year old himself.

The pastor was ready to blow things off again. We were told not to discuss the matter at all, so as not to scare people away. He thought the involved fathers should take Mitch out to lunch and talk to him. I said "not good enough." I set up some rules - Mitch can come to church, attend an adult Sunday school of his choice and worship with his family in service, by sitting with them. He was not to attend children's activities, was to resign as teacher and would not be allowed to chaperone children's camps this summer. I called the children's committee together. And we acted.

The pastor is mad that things were not kept silent. Nevermind that he has a degree in counseling and should know predators thrive on silence. He is more concerned about people leaving the church. The family of the young girl is upset because they "like Mitch" and now "Mitch is sad" and "threatening to leave the church." They understand needing rules at church but why shouldn't they take their daughters over to Mitch's house to fish. They don't understand that Mitch can never be around young girls until he has years of mental health help and firm boundaries in place. Another father is mad that Mitch can't play ball with the guys anymore because kids are present. Forget about the fact that Mitch doesn't play - just hangs on the bench with the kids.

I'm really disappointed by the men of my church involved in this. And by the mother who had the gall to write "We love you Mitch" on his facebook page after her daughter just told her she finds Mitch "creepy." I can't believe Mitch is still standing after fathers read that letter when he was just arms-reach away. I'm pissed the pastor is more concerned about his reputation than the children.

So if you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that tact is not my strong-point..........and making people mad is something I do well without many worries.......

I recruited my husband and 2 other couples and we took charge. We contacted each family with pre-teen girls and informed them of the rules Mitch was to follow and why it was important for them to help in keeping boundaries consistent. We discussed the consequences of not following the rules. Two of us ladies met with Mitch's wife. The one that Mitch says is a real witch and wants nothing to do with him. But in real life, the woman who is hurt beyond belief that her husband prefers young girls over she and their boys. We encouraged her to help Mitch get therapy. We put the rules for Mitch in writing. We encouraged the fathers who were insistent on helping Mitch to invite him to adult-only activities like the men's Bible study.

The result - the pastor is pissed. The one family is "sad" that we "ran Mitch off." But the kids are safe. Mitch was not at church on Sunday, but facebook pictures show he and his whole family spent the day together, which is a first.

I'm really disappointed by these particular men and fathers. But pleased that at least a few stepped up and took charge. Including my husband who really wanted to kill Mitch. And the one other guy whose hands twitch with anger when he sees Mitch.

Whirlwind of Emotions - It has been One year

2010-05-12T08:18:00.006-05:00

One year ago today my father died. I found out through facebook (story here). I was denied the opportunity to attend the funeral.

I found some closure, not only with his death but with lots of my childhood memories when I revisited the House of Horrors (story here).

I knew the anniversary was approaching, not because I remembered with respect to my father, but because I remembered with respect to the anniversary of the death of my mentor, who was more of a father to me in these last several years than my own dad.

I emailed my Sister and we exchanged some light-hearted emails joking about whether we should be sad or not. We discussed all the family secrets that we learned when we met up with our sort-of-siblings. Neither sister or I have heard anything from them since that one meeting.

I thought I was perfectly fine....but I've been a bit weepy. Then I started bawling upon reading a simple facebook update about a friend whose son has a stomach virus. I can't name the emotion I'm feeling so I keep shutting them down. After all, if I can't logically explain what I'm feeling and why, then I have no right to engage in the self-pity of emotions. Right?

I'm getting better about giving myself permission to feel. I've let myself get a bit weepy - controlled of course. Decided I would shut my office door, but first I'd go to the bathroom and get more coffee. Then I'd put the sign on my door that says "come back in 10 minutes." So even when I let myself feel, I still control it.

A long time ago I created a postcard to send into Postsecret. It is the picture below of my father with the facebook logo across his face. It says "If it wasn't for facebook I would never have known my father died." I mailed it in yesterday.

When I look at his picture I feel love (still) more than hatred. Then I get mad for not feeling more mad. I was able to finally admit that at the last meeting I had with my father, I didn't really like him. But I can also remember the good memories and I do miss that.

I think one of the worst parts of the abuse is being robbed of the concept of what is "okay" and "normal." I ~think~ it is okay and normal to mourn my father, even though with all his faults. It's hard to mourn though because my friends don't even know - if I say anything about my father being dead, they are very sympathetic and then I feel the need to say, "oh don't be sad, he was an ass." On the other hand, I find it hard to say, "yeah dad's been dead a year but he was an ass so I'm only half-sad." And of course the kids don't understand why mommy is all whishy-washy with emotions. Maybe it's a chik-fil-a meal tonight with time for them on the playground and a big fat milkshake for mommy.

Precious

2010-05-07T21:29:00.007-05:00

I rented the movie Precious tonight and watched it. Husband is working and isn't home yet. My sister warned me about the abuse/rape themes of the movie and that some of the scenes are pretty graphic. I was glad for the warning and would pass it along to others. It was tough. However, I am glad I watched it.

The background of the movie is - In 1987, obese, illiterate, 16-year-old Claireece "Precious" Jones (Gabourey Sidibe) lives in the ghetto of Harlem with her dysfunctional and abusive mother, Mary (Mo'Nique). She has been impregnated twice by her father, Carl, and suffers long term physical, sexual, and mental abuse from her unemployed mother. The family resides in a Section 8 tenement and subsists on welfare. Her first child, known only as "Lil Mongo", has Down syndrome and is being cared for by Precious' grandmother.

Precious escapes into a land of fantasy and imagination during the abuse. Interviews with the producer and director reveal that the fantasies are more prevalent in the movie because it was impossible to depict the graphic nature and details from the book. Such scenes would never have been allowed on screen.

This is not a happily ever after movie. But there is hope. Precious says, "Love beat me, raped me, called me an animal, make me feel worthless." The response is, "that wasn't love precious." Precious finds love, in a mentor and in her children and in her future.

Toward the end of the movie, there is a scene where a social worker confronts the mother in the presence of Precious. I watched the scene over and over. My mother had that conversation with my therapist before. Not in so many words, but the same.

The mother says -
"That was my man"
"He was supposed to love me"
"That was my man - and he wanted my daughter..........and that is why I hated her - because my man who was supposed to love me was f***ing my baby and she made him leave."

The social worker asks the mother, "So what did you do? "
The mother responds, "I shut up."
The social worker confronts the mother, "You shut up and you let him abuse your daughter ----- You allowed him to hurt her."

The mother shows her true colors when she says, "it is this bitches fault because she let my man have her and she didn't do nothing - she didn't scream -- she didn't do nothing."

The film ends with Precious realizing her mother's true colors and walking away with both her children.

When I finished the movie, I looked over to the couch beside me. Bugaboo is sound asleep - he slept through the whole thing. I felt a wave of love wash over me. Like Precious, I have survived. I will protect my children. They will have a better life. They will be safe and they will know love.

Returning the Shit to the Rightful Owner

2010-04-26T12:28:00.011-05:00

You made me do it.

I couldn't help myself.

I don't know what came over me.

You're so beautiful....

If you hadn't have dressed that way...

What did you expect when you said/did/wore that?

It's your fault.

If you hadn't have done .......

Do you find yourself collecting other people's garbage? Being a general dumping ground?

Husband and I had a big argument this weekend. The gist of it is that every thing I do makes him want sex. He's a man, after all. I told him he had two options - I could be Miss Ice Woman except when I was interested and willing to "do the deed." ~~ Or I could be myself, giving him hugs and kisses, putting my arm on his, holding his hand while walking, and he needs to learn that it doesn't mean I am dying to run home and hop in bed all the time.

My attempts at being reasonable went unheard. He started fighting nasty and saying mean things comparing me to my sister (which I think is a compliment, but he obviously did not mean it that way). Since I can't win a fight of your family versus mine, and because frankly I find it disgusting to make fun of someone's family in a fight, and down right dirty, I just walked off.

He did write a note of "apology" which was more akin to, "I shouldn't have said it, but you deserved it." In the note, and in most of the discussions we've had, he says things like, "you're so beautiful, I can't help but be attracted to you." "You're so attractive, I can't help but want to be with you." Yada Yada Yada.

It sat wrong with me. It turned my stomach. But I didn't connect the dots until this morning.

I have lived my life connected with people that make excuses. Toilet made excuses - it was the alcohol, not seeing his children, the way I dressed, the way I acted........My dad made excuses - it was my mom's fault, the way she acted, the alcohol, his job.........Mom made excuses - it was dad's fault, she didn't know what to do, she had no other choice.

Does ANYONE take responsibility for themselves?

Me, on the other hand, will accept all the blame I deserve, and everyone else's. Want to blame someone else? Walk right over here and dump it on me. I'll take it.

So I'm in the process now of sorting through where I am legitimately responsible and where I am not. Then I'll gather up all the shit that has been dumped on me and load it back where it goes. Make way for the return of your own shit. The garbage truck is making deposits everywhere.

April Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse - Along the Path of Healing

2010-04-23T08:28:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the April 23, 2010 edition of the Carnival Against Child Abuse.

Along the Path of Healing - The theme for this edition is "Along the Path of Healing." I wrote, that I had noticed through my progress in recovery from child abuse, I've tended to align myself with others that are similarly situated along the path of the healing process. This is not a bad thing, but sometimes it helps to read posts from others that are at different stages than you. Whether it reminds you how far you've come or gives you hope to continue plugging along, reading about others' healing journeys can be inspirational. I asked people to write about their healing process - whether they are at the beginning, middle or looking back along a long path. What lessons have you learned?

I found that so many entries could be placed in two or even more categories. The absolute hardest thing about hosting the carnival is determining categories. So I hope that I've made a good selection. As this month's host I am using my editorial power to merge some of the categories together, lest I put someone's entry in the "wrong" place.

We had a lot of wonderful entries this month, both relating to April's theme and the other categories. So, in no particular order, please welcome ------

Along the Path of Healing (theme entries)

Tracie presents -Who Votes for Skipping April? posted at From Tracie. This post explores her journey in recovery and also contains a power piece of art.

Rising Rainbow presents My Clouds, My Storms and Multiple Personality Disorder: Thoughts on "No Choice" posted at My Clouds, My Storms and Multiple Personality Disorder, saying, "One of the most powerful lessons for me in my healing process was learning how to claim my personal power. It had never occured to me that could be something as simple as seeing the choices I had."

A Glass Half Shattered presents Paxil Was My Gateway Drug posted at A Glass Half Shattered: Recovering From Borderline Personality Disorder. This powerful piece talks about her own healing process and where it all began.

Patricia Singleton presents A Dysfunctional Childhood posted at Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker, saying, "Today I can take responsibility for my behavior and my thoughts. I don't take responsibility for the abuse. It is not mine. Today I have boundaries. I didn't know this as a child."

My own entry is here as I present Would I Still Do It? at Enola. Would I still start on the healing process knowing now what it would take? Check out the entry for the answer.

Advocacy and Awareness

Mssc writes Keep the Children, Send the Parents Back, posted at mssc54, in which he discusses his emotional response to a news story. As an adoptive parent himself, he is certainly well-placed to discuss this tragic event.

Healing & Therapy

Colleen presents This Healing Stuff posted at Surviving by Grace, answering a question I posed about, "What does 'Healed' look like to you?"

Shhh presents a year ago posted at My Shush Blog, saying, "I recently found myself in a bad place, and once I decided to work through things instead of giving up on life, this is one of the posts I dedicated to myself. It's easy to lose the forest for the trees when you're in the midst of healing, and charting out my progress was a powerful tool for leading myself back into the big picture."

Dan Hays presents A Conversation With Dad « Thoughts Along The Road to Healing posted at Thoughts Along The Road to Healing, saying, "It took a long time after my Dad's death before I could write this piece. I had to work through a lot of issues that surfaced only after he died. But this was my way of making peace with him, and was a huge part of my healing journey!"

cerebralmum presents Along the Path of Healing Pt.1 : The End posted at The Cerebral Mum, talking about her journey of healing.

Ethereal Highway writes about a Case Study posted at her blog entitled Ethereal Highway. She talks about the "alphabet soup" that psychologists love.

Marj aka Thriver presents Trauma Processing, Therapy & Counseling posted at Survivors Can Thrive!, saying, "I'm submitting this post for the "Along The Path of Healing" edition because I realize, as I heal and become a whole person, I want my therapy to address all areas of my life."

In the News

cs presents Reporting on the Need to Reform Child Abuse Laws posted at Cold SnapDragon.

Poetry

Rick Belden presents poetry, dreams, and the body » Blog Archive » face my ghosts posted at poetry, dreams, and the body, saying, "I wrote this poem in response to a question (not so much a question as a demand in many cases) that I suspect many of us have heard at various points throughout our healing journey: "Why can’t you just get over it?""

Rising Rainbow presents Defective Child posted at My Clouds, My Storms and Multiple Personality Disorder, saying, "Never under estimate the power of secrets over the healing process. This child held only one secret. Yet it controlled my entire system. The liberation of that child from her secret liberated my entire system from the guilt that kept us trapped."

Cassie writes at Overcoming and Conquering a poem called "Freed" - check it out on her 4-18-10 entry.

Check out this powerful poem called, "The Box" at Sharing Private Moments through Poetry.

JIP submits "But I wanted to be dead" at Life Spacings which is a commentary to a powerful series of poems written by Naomi.

Aftermath

Blooming Lotus presents Successful Trip to Hometown posted at Blooming Lotus. She discusses her feelings as she made the difficult trip back to her hometown.

A Glass Half Shattered presents Today's Transformation posted at A Glass Half Shattered: Recovering From Borderline Personality Disorder. This post talks about the first (dance) step to discovering who she really is.

Survivor Stories

Patricia Singleton presents A New Chapter In Incest Recovery posted at Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker, saying, "A recent dream lead me to the next step in my recovery from incest."

Ethereal Highway wrote Shame Manifesto which is a very powerful entry at the blog by her own name.

Would I still do it - part 3 perhaps

2010-04-23T06:30:00.000-05:00

Two years ago I wrote a blog post ruminating on whether I would still have embarked on the healing journey had I known what it entailed. Part One of that entry starts here. The question was - "If you knew then what you know now, and what it would entail, would you still do it? In other words, would I still choose to start down the road of recovery?" I answered yes at that time. Part Two of that entry (here) continues to explore the emotions I felt and even remarks that if the choice was between going back to the time before all the panic attacks set in - aka the "faking it and stuffing it time" - and smack in the middle of the healing journey, then I might choose to live in that land of Denial.

At that time I was about 1 1/2 years into the healing process. Today, 2 years after those journal entries and 4 1/2 years after I started the really intense therapy, I can say that my answer would be YES.

Yes, I would still do it. As much as it hurt. As much as it resembled reliving the abuse. As much as it cost, in terms of time and money.

I've learned that healing from abuse is much more than just digging up memories and dealing with them. That, in some ways, is the easy part (don't laugh too hard.) The more difficult thing is trying to figure out who the abuse has made you. It means shifting through every aspect of who you are and deciding how you became that way, if you like it, and if not, how to change. It involves letting go of the shame and guilt, while at the same time accepting some responsibility for who you are from this point forward.

For me I had to let go of a lot of shame and guilt. I had to also make a conscious decision to do everything in my power to move forward. I stumbled, fell, took a whole lot of steps forward, but I also got back up and tried again. I am less of a control freak than I used to be. I am more relaxed. I live a heck of a lot more in the moment than I used to. I have less rigid control over my emotions - I let myself feel. I cry a whole lot more. I express when I'm hurt and allow myself to feel hurt. I deal with disappointment and anger. I get angry. I express it - more often than not in a healthy way.

Did the process suck? Yes. It hurt. There were times I gave up. Then continued on. There were times I wanted to end my life, and times I came darn close. I bear scars - both emotional and physical. But would I do it again? Yes I would. I am better for it. And so is my family.

I now work in a job where I get to help abused, neglected and dependent children. I get to help them financially. I get to help them legally. I also get to help abused, neglected and exploited adults. Would I want to be abused just so I could do this job? No way! But does my childhood help me relate to these people? Yes it does. And I think it makes me better able to help them and a heck of a stronger advocate.

So if you are wondering if this journey is worth it, look hard. It was for me. And I think it will be for you too.

A Good Taste of Revenge

2010-04-14T08:19:00.003-05:00

I admit it. I like the taste of revenge. I don't often go through with the evil plans that run through my head, but I do enjoy thinking them. This song here has nothing to do with my current fantasies of revenge (which have to do with Toilet and my mother) but it is a great song nonetheless.

Before He Cheats - Carrie Underwood
Songwriters: Tompkins, Chris; Kear, Josh;
Right now he's probably slow dancing
With a bleached-blond tramp
And she's probably getting frisky
Right now, he's probably buying
Her some fruity little drink
'Cause she can't shoot whiskey

Right now, he's probably up behind her
With a pool stick
Showing her how to shoot a combo
And he don't know

I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped-up 4 wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seat
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights
Slashed a hole in all 4 tires
And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats

Right now, she's probably up singing some
White-trash version of Shania karaoke
Right now, she's probably saying, "I'm drunk"
And he's a thinking that he's gonna get lucky

Right now, he's probably dabbing on 3 dollars
Worth of that bathroom Polo
Oh and he don't know

That I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped-up 4 wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seat
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights
Slashed a hole in all 4 tires
And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats

I might've saved a little trouble for the next girl
'Cause the next time that he cheats
Oh, you know it won't be on me!
No, not on me

'Cause I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped-up 4 wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seat
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights
Slashed a hole in all 4 tires
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats
Oh, maybe next time he'll think before he cheats
Oh, before he cheats
Oh

Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse - get your submissions in

2010-04-12T06:33:00.004-05:00

WHAT - the blog Carnival against Child Abuse hosted this month by me

DATES - Submissions due to me by April 21st. Publication on April 23rd.

HOW - submit here or email submissions to me at enolasemail@gmail.com

THEME - Along the Path of Healing - I've noticed that through my progress in recovery from child abuse, I've tended to align myself with others that are similarly situated along the path of the healing process. This is not a bad thing, but sometimes it helps to read posts from others that are at different stages than you. Whether it reminds you how far you've come or gives you hope to continue plugging along, reading about others' healing journeys can be inspirational. So, this month, write about your own healing process. If you are toward the "end" (if there is such a thing), what would you say to those just starting out? If you are at the beginning, where do you want to be in 5 years? What does "healed" look like to you?
I am especially interested in those that have been blogging awhile who may have written a post at the beginning of their healing process predicting how things would look later. How does it read now, in retrospect?

FAQ

Q - What is a Blog Carnival?
A - it is a collection of blog articles. The host (which is me this month) collects links to articles written by different bloggers and lists them all here in one place.

Q - What's the point?
A - to gather a group of people interested in a specific subject; to encourage people to read other blogs; to connect those interested in a subject to blogs featuring articles of interest. This Carnival focuses on Child Abuse.

Q - Is there a theme?
A - Yes, BUT you are not limited to the theme (see more below).

Q - What if I don't have a theme-related post?
A - You can submit any post that relates to Child Abuse. On the submission page you will be asked to pick a category of - Advocacy & Awareness; Aftermath; Healing & Therapy; In the News; Poetry; or Survivor Stories. Pick one that fits best but do not be overly concerned about it. There is no "right" answer. I'll reorganize so that it makes sense.

Q - I can't figure this submission stuff out. Can you help?
A - send me your submission directly - enolasemail@gmail.com I'll also try to answer questions.

Q - My blog is not about Child Abuse but I want to submit. Can I?
A - Yes, your blog does not need to be about Child Abuse - just your blog post.

Q - Can I submit an older blog post?
A - Of course.

Q - Can I submit more than 1 post?
A - Absolutely.

So please consider submitting. I would especially love to hear from bloggers that have never submitted anything. If you have questions, contact me.

Minimum Standards

2010-04-07T13:52:00.004-05:00

It is National Child Abuse Prevention Month.

As part of this month, my work released something we refer to as "Minimal Standards."

In screening in calls to our children's protection unit, there needed to be some uniformity. Is it okay for a parent to decide their child should not be immunized? Is it okay for an 11 year old to stay home after school alone for 15 minutes? What about 2 hours? What about a 9 year old?

So some people here decided to create a program that listed the minimal environments that are acceptable. Anything that falls outside these standards will be investigated. Keep in mind these are minimal standards - not the best.

As I read these standards, I was struck with how many times my own childhood home and environment would have fallen outside these standards. How about you?

Care - a parent or caretaker is providing suitable or minimally sufficient care when -

* a home is clean enough to not cause children to get sick or have infections.

* a home has safe heating and ventilation and little risk of fire hazard

* there is a safe place for the child to sleep

* the child is provided food to stay healthy

* the child receives medical and dental care, especially if there is pain.

* the child receives special services when recommended to assure good health and the ability to learn

* all caretakers expect behaviors based realistically on the child's age and abilities

* a child of age 7 is enrolled and attends school daily

* basic cleanliness needs are met

* a child has clothing in good enough condition for the weather and daily activities

* the parent protects a child from people who are violent or make bad decisions that may place a child at risk for harm.

* a parent protects a child from anyone who imposes behavior of a sexual nature on a child. This includes but is not limited to suggestive comments or behaviors, contact with a registered sex offender, child pornography, fondling or penetration.

* parents to not encourage or allow a youth to live with someone with whom the youth is having a sexual relationship

* a child up to age 11 is not exposed to firearms, nor has access to firearms. After age 12, children need to have adult supervision.

* a parent uses words that build a child up, not belittle or scares the child.

* A parent does not encourage or force a child to participate in any sort of criminal or illegal behavior

* A child is not exposed to a pattern of violence in the home

* a child is not exposed to unsafe behaviors caused by drugs, illegal or prescription, or alcohol.

Supervision -

* young children, especially under 5, need caretakers who have sight and sound supervision of children when they are awake and active.

* around age 10 a child may play outside or in the neighborhood by themselves, environment depending.

* some children may stay alone for short periods of daylight hours beginning at age 10.

* before an older child begins babysitting, they need to have the appropriate skills to care for a child. Usually a child is 13 before they are ready to have this responsibility.

Discipline - parents must expect children to behave according to their age and development -

* discipline children only for behavior they have the capacity to control

* encourage and reward children for behavior you want to continue

* learn a variety of discipline techniques

* never use a punishment that results in any injury (including marks or bruises)

* never shake or throw a baby

* do not allow others to discipline your child in a way that leaves a mark or which might injure

* do not force a child to eat food or drink liquids in large amounts

* do not lock a child in a closet or room

* do not restrain a child by any means, including belts, ropes, duct tape

* do not prevent your child from sleeping, eating or drinking as a form of punishment

* do not scald, bite, choke, suffocate or harm your child

* Five children die every day from child abuse and neglect *

Having Fun - an Update

2010-03-28T19:26:00.001-05:00

I've written about so much serious stuff lately that I find myself wanting to take a break and write about something a bit more light-hearted. It's an update of sorts --

I am loving the spring weather. The cherry trees are in bloom. The trees all have buds on them. I can sit outside and bask in the sun without a jacket. The kids can wear themselves out playing.

Bugaboo had his eighteen month assessment and it was determined he needed physical therapy to assist him in learning to walk. His center of balance seems to be off and he is not "stacking" his weight properly which has to do with the way he distributes his weight forward and more to one side. He gets PT once a week and then we work with him at home. For someone that can't walk, he sure gets around. He can also climb anything. I regularly find him sitting on top of a couch, chair or counter that I swore he could never master.

We went to an Easter egg hunt today. Bugaboo was content to put the "balls" (as he called them) in and out of the basket. Munchkin raced up the hill to get all the eggs she could. The other parents were crazy - tucking their kids up under their arms like footballs and tacking anyone who got in their way. All over some plastic eggs with candy inside. I was pleased that Munchkin acted politely. And experienced a bit of "ha ha" attitude when I found out she won a grand prize. Kindness gets you far sometimes......technology does not. My camera and computer had a fight and destroyed all my pictures.

Last weekend I went away on my long scrapbook weekend that I had won. Ten friends and I travelled to a scrapbook cabin and store. We worked on our books all day Friday, shopped at some outlets Saturday, and then scrapped some more. We ate great food, drank some good drinks, laughed more than I thought possible and had an awesome time.

I have discovered Pandora - where you can put in a song that you like and it will play similar style music. You then give each selection a thumbs up or thumbs down to help the site continue to pick good selections. I'm enjoying music I would never have discovered on my own.

Husband is still unemployed. However, his attitude and effort has done a 180. He has been working really hard in his counseling sessions. I can tell a real difference. Things aren't perfect, but they are better.

We leave Thursday late for my sister's house. I am excited to celebrate Easter with family. We will go to an egg hunt and kids' event one day. We will celebrate my nephew's birthday while there. Then we are going to a church event which is a traditional Passover meal. And church on Sunday. I bought matching Easter outfits for the kids - forgetting Sister's church is uber-casual. Oh well, they will look cute for Bugaboo's 18 month pictures which I need to have done.

I am ready for spring. Bring on the flowers, warm weather and sunshine. I plan to wean off my depression meds when the sun starts making a regular appearance. I'm hoping it will help in the losing weight effort, although I am down 13 pounds so far.

And ....that's all folks....

Carnival Against Child Abuse - March 2010 Edition

2010-03-27T20:14:00.003-05:00

Check out the March 2010 Carnival Against Child abuse, hosted by Mike at Child Abuse Survivor.

It's a great edition. Mike says, "As you know, with this month being the month St. Patrick’s Day falls, and your host having quite a bit of Irish blood flowing in his veins, I wanted to focus on the way I view my Irish heritage. I’ve always considered the Irish to be a people that managed to live through their suffering by always looking forward, always willing to enjoy what they have to look forward to, and apply that to survivors....."

All he learned, he learned wrong..........

2010-03-23T07:51:00.000-05:00

I have a lot of respect for my in-laws. They've been married almost 40 years. They seem to have a good marriage and a good life. They have done wonders with my autistic brother-in-law and have adapted well to having a challenged child. My husband never got arrested, drunk, did drugs, slept around - a good kid. However, I am beginning to see that despite their good intentions, there was a lot of harm done to my Husband. I'm learning that harm can occur from lack of contact and lack of knowledge, through inadvertance and even with the best of intentions.

In my house and childhood there was way too much knowledge and physical touch. There were no boundaries whatsoever. RoOmance novels, porn magazines, porn movies and cable television were easily accessible. In my husband's family the boundaries were tall and thick and covered in barbed wire.

My in-laws do not kiss or hug. Husband says there used to be a quick peck on the cheek when leaving for work, but even that has ended. I've never seen them embrace or hold hands, not even at my MIL's mom's funeral. Maybe it is because my BIL, who is autistic, doesn't tolerate touch? In any event, they forgot to touch my Husband too - no embraces, pecks on the cheeks, slaps on the back for jobs well done. Nothing.

All my Husband learned about puberty and sex he learned from magazines, porn, tv shows, movies, and the perfunctory sex-ed classes in school. It is no wonder he is so totally skewed in his thinking.

I was the first very serious relationship Husband had. He had never really kissed a girl before dating me, let alone slept with anyone. His parents knew this. When his father became concerned that Husband (pre-marriage) would occasionally crash on my apartment couch after a late-night out, Husband reassured his father that we were waiting to the wedding night to consummate our relationship. Despite that conversation, FIL never once discussed the wedding night with Husband. There was no sit-down, here is what to expect, talk.

My Husband learned about procreation from watching farm animals. Between porn magazines and watching horses breed, it is no wonder he has misconceptions about male sizes.

A dear friend of mine sent me a book that she had been given just prior to her marriage. It is similar to this -

but written by Christian authors. The book detailed reproduction and how to have sex - think tab A into slot B type stuff. It was detailed without being gross. per my friend's suggestion, Husband and I read a chapter out loud at a time. It forced us to say certain words to each other, that before had only been whispered or giggled. The book did a great job of discussing the "myths of sex," such as the honeymoon night is going to be full of fireworks. It dealt with reality and the differences between men and women. (the book was written in the 70s so we had lots of laughs at some of the language and pictures)

That was the extent of my Husband's education about the world of sex and marriage. Thank goodness for that book. However, even though it was a great book, it missed a lot.

So here I am, left to deal with these huge barriers my Husband has, as well as all his misconceptions. He has learned to be appropriately affectionate with our children. He enjoys their kisses and hugs and snuggles. He still gets uncomfortable holding hands or embracing in front of his parents, but I don't see that ever changing. The biggest problem is the lessons he learned from movies and porn --- that all men are huge, that every encounter causes fireworks, that men and women ravish each other 3 times a day every day, and that women want sex all the time just like men. Given that men tend to joke in a fashion that only encourages those myths, it is hard for any man to accept reality.

Discerning what is real and accepting it is the task my Husband needs to accomplish, and I know it will not be easy. For him...or me.

If You Blog and Want to Help a Grad Student...

2010-03-15T11:03:00.001-05:00

Visit here to participate in a survey.

Excerpt -

My name is Leora. During my training to become a clinical psychologist, I have
become interested -- both personally and professionally -- in issues of identity
and the role technology plays in the formation of identity. I have created this
study in the hopes of adding a new dimension to our current understanding of the
role that blogging plays in people's interpersonal worlds. In this study I aim
to better understand the inner lives of a variety of bloggers, each of whom will
add a distinct and personal perspective. I hope you will join me!

Fix it NOW !

2010-03-10T13:25:00.002-05:00

I met with my therapist last night. I had cancelled the joint session that Husband and I had with our therapists (plural) and just met with mine individually. I sure needed it.

As I wrote about in my last post, I'm having lots of trouble with flashbacks and the interplay between this situation and my childhood. It causes me not to know how to act or what to do.

I went to T wanting some answers to questions. Should I block the internet entirely? Should I monitor his computer use? What happens when he says that my refusing to help means a delay in receiving his unemployment check? What do I need to get rid of in the house? What temptations might there be that I am not considering? Do I check his email and print it out? What if a job prospect contacts him?

Then the more nitty-gritty - if my failure to have sex often enough has contributed to his looking at junk, what effect will my refusal to have sex with him at all right now, do? If he is drawn toward junk depicting women and men having sex and the woman enjoying it, then what happens if we sleep together again? Do I take acting lessons so I portray enough enjoyment? What is enough?

How much reassurance must I give him and what happens when his needs and my needs collide?

T told me to slow down. I can't look for solutions now and have to settle for not having all the answers. I got into the "Fix It" mode. And not just fix it, but fix it NOW! I can not clean the house good enough to get rid of all temptations. I can not take a pill which teaches me to act good enough to satisfy him.

T also said something interesting - that any solution now is going to itself, appear pornographic. If I try to fix Husband's feeling deprived of sex, then that is going to feel degrading to me and as if I'm operating as a sex slave. If I try to dress more provocatively to keep Husband's attention on me, that will feel slutty. If I force myself to sit down beside him and monitor his computer usage, that makes me some kind of servant or hall monitor to him.

This is his battle to fight. I need to resist the urge to fix it, fix him or fix me. Not to say changes don't need to be made. But they need to be made deliberately and without rushing in. Which is a temptation I struggle with.

In the meantime I'm trying to stay busy. To not obsess over reading all the "Helping your Man with his Addiction" books out there. To avoid all the internet articles. To just "be" and let things happen in their course. It's a long road ahead.

Time Travel -- Going Swirly

2010-03-07T21:31:00.000-05:00

My brain isn't working right. All swirly.

Husband says he looks at people having sex because he likes to see the women enjoying themselves. He doesn't think I do.

Toilet says, "Look I'm the adult, but you wanted it. You enjoyed it."

He says he told me we should have gotten rid of Cinemax sooner.

Is this movie okay to watch? It's rated PG. Oh no there is a girl and guy kissing - oh no they are in bed. Should I go to my room? I'd have to walk by him. I know what he is doing in the chair behind me.

He says he only thinks of me.

He says he only thinks of me.

He says all men do it.

Toilet says I'm a prude. Everyone does it.

He says I should let him use the computer to fill out his weekly unemployment certification. I can turn it on, set it up, watch him - monitor him. Otherwise I'm being mean. Don't I want things to go smoothly? Well...he could go to the library but I napped all day. If it doesn't get done today, the check will be late - do I want that?

Don't fight. It makes your mom sad...Do this. It makes your mom happy. Then things are smooth. We get to do more. Don't you want to do fun things? Come take a ride with me. I'll buy you something. Your mom likes it when we get along. Don't you want her to be happy?

Husband flips the channel....says he'll be doing that a lot. Because now he can't watch some things....if I want him to get "better."

Well, I'd do that but I wouldn't want you to get upset ....since you are overly sensitive you know.

Don't tell anyone. How dare you call them? How can I look at them again? I can't believe you told. Do you want me to step down as a church leader?

Don't tell anyone. You wouldn't want to have to move out, would you? Or him to go to jail and we lose our house.

You're going to have to work through this.

You need to get over this. Move on. Forget about it.

I know Husband does not equal Toilet but right now I'm having a really hard time separating the two.

Men and Comparisons - Size and Self-esteem

2010-03-05T10:52:00.007-05:00

(background post here)

I've not been blogging much lately. Things have gotten into a routine and I'm also really busy. DH and I are working on issues in joint counseling. We're doing a couple's Bible study. Then throw in kids' activities and normal life and it's been crazy. But things, I thought, were going fairly well.

Yesterday I was on my way to work, saying my morning prayers, and I had the most intense urge to check DH's computer history. I've not checked it in a long time. I forgot about it until I went home. DH took Munchkin to her cheerleading practice and I sat down to check email. DH had his login screen up. I know his password, so I checked the history.

Yes. He did it again. The next few hours are quite blurry. Bugaboo was there and he kept crawling up on my lap and handing me a book to read. I tried to point out pictures and turn my head so the tears wouldn't land on his face. I fed him M&Ms so he would be happy while I made phone calls.

I called my sister first, who walked me through the initial shock. She reminded me that my T said not to keep this hidden and that it was not my shame to bear. So I called a husband-wife couple we are friends with and then our pastor. Pastor and I have very different approaches and views on some things. We've butted heads before. But he's very strong-willed and not afraid to speak his mind, which is what I think is needed in this case. He told me that lots of men struggle in this area so that he has unfortunately, had experience in working with men to overcome these problems. He recommended that DH and he meet to outline the issue. Then they'd do many sessions with intense work. DH had to commit to working through the whole program. Then DH would have an accountability partner and Pastor recommended me. Pastor also recommended that I not talk to anyone about it, including not telling DH I called. Well, I was good until the last 2 parts. I don't want to be the accountability partner and I'm not keeping quiet. Today I can recognize my own progress in healing because I didn't (1) accept 100% of Pastor's advice or (2) discount 100% of his advice. I was able to sort through the pieces.

When DH got home I told him we had to talk and he knew why. When the kids were in bed, I asked him if he had anything to say. He tried to blow it off. But quickly realized the seriousness. He was very upset - I guess you could describe it as broken.

I don't think this is your typical porn issue. This is DH's self-esteem issues. He thinks he's not built like other men. He thinks he doesn't measure up. So he's been researching devices, pills, etc. All the sites appear to be those sorts of sites, as well as sites that show women enjoying sex. Because that is what DH says he enjoys seeing. Guess I don't display that for him?

I did tell DH that I had called those people. He was pissed. But I told him that I refused to be silenced. This was his issue and he needed to deal with it. I was not going to suffer in silence. I assured him I wasn't going to take out open-air announcements either. But that I felt the people I had contacted were appropriate. He later admitted he was glad I reached out to these people.

DH called our friends and left to go meet with the husband, who is also the head of the deacons. DH will meet with the pastor to determine if he should step down as a deacon. He says he will start meeting with the pastor. He may also see his T.

Last night, DH wrote me a long letter apologizing for hurting me and asking for forgiveness. I told him I was not yet ready to forgive. I told him that I had blocked all computer access for now. Also, that he needed to be out of the house all day. He needed to get a job, and if he couldn't find one, then volunteer somewhere. It was obviously not good for him to be home alone all day. I have scratched my plans (for now) of having DH provide the child-care for Munchkin during the summer and pulling Bugaboo out of daycare for the summer.

I cancelled our joint counseling session that was set for Monday. I don't think we can really focus on our issues until he resolves his. I did schedule an individual session for me on Monday.

I'm still pretty numb. If DH had responded in anger or denial, I think I'd feel a lot different. But to see him so broken is odd for me. I've never seen a man do that and accept responsibility and admit fault. Well, except to manipulate, but I don't think DH is doing that. I think he is really, gut-wrenchingly sorry. I'm not sure what to do with that. I'm still angry and hurt. I know I need to not get caught up in DH's emotions to the extent I deny mine. I'm not sure exactly how to do that. I think if this had been a more typical porn-issue I'd feel different too. But I really think this is more self-esteem related.

I know this isn't an easy fix. I know DH needs to address the porn issues - hopefully with our pastor who is VERY direct and in some ways, fierce. I think DH also needs to address the underlying self-esteem issues, hopefully with his T who is less fierce/direct, but more understanding and contemplative.

I was supposed to have a spa day today - massage and pedicure - from a gift certificate DH gave me for Valentine's Day. I cancelled it. I just can't do that today. I am going home to nap (I hope) since I didn't sleep last night and care for the kids. I told DH I needed to do things apart this weekend and have some time alone. He is working today, doing some odd jobs with a friend.

At least, thankfully, there is no snow forecasted this weekend. I couldn't handle being cooped inside with him.

Changing Directions

2010-02-15T11:25:00.006-05:00

I have been at my current job for one year now. In some respects it seems like just yesterday I was slaving away at the firm. Said firm has self-destructed over the past year. My mentor/senior litigation partner passed away; the senior partner became "of counsel," another partner left, and the attorney they hired to replace us all, left too. Also gone are five assistants. Looking back, the timing of my escape was definitely in the knick of time and I have zero regrets.

When I started this job, the program managers for my area joked to the child welfare (abuse, neglect, dependency) folks that they needed to stay away because they could not "steal me to their side." No issues there, I thought. I'd never be able to handle that stuff. I'll just stick to numbers (child support) and old people.

Because I still had some spare hours, I was asked to help with some legal pleadings. A few months later I started hanging out in juvenile court. Mainly I go to court one day a week and listen to review hearings. Then I draft the Orders that talk about whether parents are doing what they need to be doing in order to regain custody of their children. Sometimes I go back and read the underlying trial notes to gain some perspective.

I've not met these children. I didn't attend the trials. I see the parents for a few short moments in court for their reviews. I read the reports of social workers, psychologists and others. However, in the year I've been at this job, I've got to know certain families. There are those whose stories are so horrible that I can't help remember. There are those where I see parents doing in 180 and making such progress that I can't help but be hopeful. There are those families that bounce between juvenile court, support court and jail.

I've become friends with one of the juvenile attorneys. We scrapbook together now. She is a trained social worker who went to law school. We bounce ideas off each other. We discuss policies and philosophies in handling cases. Our boss, who is also new to this position, has now decided to form us into a "legal team" which requires some cross-training. So now I'm attending trainings and meetings on juvenile law. It started out as being just enough to allow me to cover for the other attorneys if necessary.

In law school I loved my family and juvenile courses. My first year out of law school I clerked in a probation related field and worked with the younger offenders. My second summer I clerked as defense counsel for juvenile delinquents and mentally ill juveniles. I thought family law was the best place for me, although I did briefly consider education law.

I've fought against going back to juvenile law. Me? Deal with abuse cases? No way.......

The other day I was writing an Order and typing our usual language -

It is apparent that further efforts to reunify the child with the Father would clearly be futile and inconsistent with the child’s need for a safe and permanent home within a reasonable period of time and such efforts should therefore cease.

These words that I have typed hundreds of times before leaped off the page at me.

Such powerful words. With them, the social workers are no longer required to work closely with the Father. His rights were being stripped away....slowly but surely. It occurred to me how powerful this simple, 41 word sentence is. How much impact it will have on the life of this child.

I've been asked to serve on a juvenile committee. I've been asked to see a juvenile case through from start to finish - the one that has arisen involves burns to a three year little child that appear to arise from being "dipped" into scalding water. Instead of getting bogged down in the emotions and horror as I might have done not long ago, I find myself excited about the opportunity to make a difference. The pangs of emotions I feel toward this child are being channeled into making sure it doesn't happen again.

I've talked with my friend, the other attorney, who, if things go according to plan, will be the lead attorney, and therefore my superior. I explained, without detail, my desire to avoid sexual abuse cases for now. She thinks we can arrange that.

I'm not sure what the future holds. I know that I am being pulled strongly in this direction. It is where my heart is. I feel God is leading me this way. Perhaps, I can use my experiences and struggles to do some good for other children. I hope and pray I can keep the passion and not become numb to the details of cases, while at the same time, maintaining enough objectivity to do a good job. For now, I will still be working with my main areas of focus. However, the next several months hold much training and observation for me. I'm excited to learn more.

As I embark on this journey, I'm reminded of this quote and resolve, all the more, not to be a bystander ---- "Thou shalt not wish or deserve to be a victim. Thou shalt certainly not be a perpetrator. Above all, thou shalt never be a bystander." -Holocaust Memorial, Washington DC

That's My Girl

2010-02-15T07:30:00.000-05:00

One of my main goals is to teach my daughter to stand up for herself. I want her to be self-assured and confident. She is now 6 years old and since starting school there have been lots of opportunities to teach her how to assert herself.

My FIL is a kidder, always picking on people. He repeats the same one-liners over and over. For instance, he'll say to Munchkin, "Let's just skip the party and go take a nap." Then he'll say, "Oh yes Munchkin, it is nap time." Over and over and over.

Munchkin mentioned to me several months ago that she didn't like Pop-Pop picking on her all the time. We talked about how she might handle the situation. I also mentioned it to Husband and asked him to mention it to his father. Of course, he didn't. He can't say anything that might be perceived as negative or critical to his father. So I worked with Munchkin.

This last visit, Pop-Pop was picking on her again and again. This time he kept rubbing her head with his fist, messing up her hair. The first few times she laughed. Then she said, "stop." When he did it again she said, in a very loud and stern voice, "Stop Pop-Pop. I said stop and stop means stop!" He stopped and said, "Munchkin, I'm sorry." I gave her a thumbs up and went in the other room to dance for joy.

How can such a simple thing bring me such pride and joy? Because I never would have said such a thing. I would have been accused of being overly sensitive. I am so proud of her for sticking up for herself. I'm glad that Pop-Pop respected her setting a boundary. It's a small lesson in the scheme of life, but an important one nevertheless. One that I am so grateful she learned.

Happy Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T18:08:00.002-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day all !

This weekend has been good. We got some more snow Friday night. My husband and daughter went to the annual Father-Daughter dance. This was their third time in attendance. Munchkin loves getting all dressed up and dancing with her Daddy. Bugaboo started running a fever that day so he and I just laid around on the couch and watched the opening ceremonies of the Olympics.

Saturday morning I woke up to see snow everywhere. So much for the forecasters' predictions of "just a dusting." Munchkin and I went out sledding where I took this picture. It was a fun time but wicked cold.

Husband took Daughter over to a friend's house where they watched ---- you guessed it - more racing. Later that night the sitter came over.

I have to give credit where it is due. Husband did good for Valentine's Day. He took me to a very nice restaurant where we dined upon shrimp bisque, salad, duck (him), crab stuffed lobster (me), the best rolls and peanut butter and chocolate cheesecake. He also gave me a gift certificate to a spa to get a massage and pedicure. I was very surprised.

Munchkin and Daddy ran to the store for donuts which we had for breakfast this morning. We opened Valentine's cards. Then Husband and Munchkin went to church, while Bugaboo and I stayed home. After lunch Husband left for his friend's to watch the Daytona 500 race while I took Munchkin to a birthday party. I really wanted a nap, but that wasn't happening.

Tomorrow starts another week. Many have a 3-day weekend due to President's Day but around here we're making up a snow day. Fingers crossed we will all be healthy and can go to school/work.

TWLOHA Day

2010-02-12T11:59:00.003-05:00

TWLOHA - To Write Love On Her Arms

To Write Lo ve On Her Arms Day is a day where anyone can write the words love on their arms, to support those who are fighting against depression and those who are trying to recovering. On this day, just write love on your arms, and show it off, other people will ask why you have love written on your arms, and you tell them you are supporting to write love on her arms day, and how its benefiting a non profit organization helping stop depression, and make love the movement ♥

Here is my picture !!!

(with marker this time)

A New Season

2010-02-08T21:40:00.004-05:00

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The seasons are changing here. Hunting season is over and we have moved on to Nascar season. The twist this year is that due to Husband losing his job, we cancelled all but the most basic of cable. So we no longer get the Speed channel. No fear though - husband has friends that have the Speed channel. And he has discovered the power of the internet -- where he has learned how to watch every race in the history of Nascar online.

You may recall that last year I won a scrapbook trip. When I went to book the trip, the best weekends were this upcoming weekend and a weekend in march bordering spring break. Those are the two weekends which were free and which we would have the place to ourselves. I ruled out spring break because we may try to take a family trip. I ruled out this next weekend because it is Valentine's day. It never occurred to me to be gone with the girls over Valentine's Day. So we're going another time in March - we'll be there with another group but that's okay. It will still be fun (and free).

Husband asked me if I preferred to go out Friday or Saturday night to dinner. He made plans for Saturday. After asking me (again) for the sitter's name and number, he called her. Bad weather postponed the annual father-daughter dance from last week to this Friday. Weather permitting, I planned a family outing for Sunday to celebrate Valentine's day. So it looked like a pretty full weekend.

Apparently Husband assumed I would not make any plans and that dinner out was enough. Because he made plans to go watch..........the Daytona 500 race with some old work friends. He'll leave right after church lest he miss the pre-race festivities and be gone all afternoon to early evening.

This last week he went out to watch some other Nascar pre-event. He's spent hours online watching nascar races on youtube and googling crashes. He came home from his friend's whining about all the rule changes and how boring the race was. Not one ounce of gratitude for a night out. Not one remark about how nice it was to get out of the house. Not one positive remark at all.

What does this remind me of? Hunting. He pours 100% of his time and energy into nascar. Spends hours looking at nascar on the internet. His attitude is determined by the outcome of the races. Has he spent any time figuring out where we are going for dinner Saturday? Nope. Has he made reservations? Nope. There is no way we'll get in anywhere in town without reservations. Guess we'll be eating at McDonalds.

So while the hunting season is over, the Nascar season has just begun. It ends in the fall -- just in time for hunting to begin again. Over and over.

Another Brick in the Land of Denial

2010-02-03T12:24:00.009-05:00

So I met with T last night. I knew she was the right person to talk too. She knows me very well and has this uncanny ability to tell me straight without making it harsh. She can be honest and direct but loving. She totally acknowledged my frustration.

She told me that she sees some Asperger-type traits in DH (which if there is some genetic link to autism traits would make sense since his brother is autistic). She said she isn't sure DH is capable of "getting it" because he is so super concrete but we are going to try.

She said that the Love Dare may not be a great fit for me. But that I should do it as best as I can. She thinks it is great for DH though. Basically it is a specific set of tasks he does - like "say something kind" or "consider how you greet your spouse in the morning and make it nice" or so on. She said he needs specifics and concrete tasks.

She also suggested we write down agreements and post them. That I make lists of the routine we will follow for Bugaboo and put them on the fridge. She said I shouldn't have to do these things and that yes it can be frustrating. But if DH's can't get beyond the concrete details, putting it in writing will help. He can go to the list without having to come and bug me and re-debate everything.

I guess I need to look at this as "his" thing - I'm quirky too with what triggers me. Some of which others might consider bizarre or strange. So I'll try to write things down and trust that counseling will help us work through some of the rest.
We talked about the incident Saturday night and my fear. She told me that if DH gets like he did on Saturday night then I am right in needing to leave or lock myself in the room again. And if he picks the lock or breaks it down, to call the police. She said that I really don't have Biblical grounds for separation or divorce although Saturday night comes close.

It was helpful to vent to someone who understands my frustration. And that has spent time with both DH and I and knows us pretty well.

I tried to talk a bit with DH last night. Mostly about the fact that I needed to clarify when I discussed separation with him I was more meaning time apart - not legal separation. And that I needed space in the moment and he had to give it to me. We talked some about Saturday night and I told him that I would call law enforcement if it progressed. He is in total denial about the matter and blames it on being "half-asleep."

So I'm the picture on the left, trying hard not to keep putting up bricks in my wall to keep myself sane and protected. And DH is the picture on the left, living in the land of Denial, convinced that if we can just solve this short-term concrete issue we'll be fine.

Panicky before Meeting

2010-02-02T13:37:00.004-05:00

I've got butterflies in my tummy. I've been working on court orders for a few days, which involves reading a lot of reports. I realized that if someone else had told me about an incident similar to my post here, that I would caution them to be careful.

I know some of my feelings and turmoil relates back to the times of locking myself in my room as a child, and seeing my mom and dad slam doors to keep the other out. I do not think my Husband will ever do that. I know it is not to that level yet. However, I am also cognizant of the fact that every person who has ever lashed out in anger starts somewhere, whether it be by cursing, following, intimidation or name calling. I also recognize that while my alarm bells are triggered often, I am quite capable of telling the difference between panic and fear. It was fear I felt the other evening.

The fact that Husband is so dismissive of his actions raises the alarm bells a bit. But I'll reserve judgment on that until after our group session.

I started to think that a session just for me would be good in helping me to gain some objectivity on things before our group session. So I called yesterday and got no answer. Re-called today and got in today. After the appointment was made, I started feeling butterflies in my stomach and the unmistakable signs of a panic attack. I haven't had a panic attack before a counseling session in a long time - a year or more. Which tells me that I'm onto something big here and I need to muster up the energy and strength to go in and face this issue head on.

Part of me hopes my concerns and thoughts are validated. But a large part of me hopes that T will (nicely) tell me I'm overreacting. I'll keep you posted.

January 2010 Carnival Against Child Abuse

2010-02-02T09:44:00.002-05:00

Paul has the January 2010 Edition up here. As Paul says, "The purpose of the Carnival is to be a place where important posts are shared with others who may not be frequent readers of an author's blog. I, myself, have realized that I cannot follow all the blogs I want to follow, so the monthly Carnival gives me a chance to see what else is out there."

Locked Doors

2010-01-31T10:16:00.005-05:00

DH and I have continued to fight. I think he continues to miss the point -- he is still stuck on hunting (how often) and tobacco (yes or no) and not on his role in this marriage.

We are trying to get Bugaboo to sleep better. Goal 1 - get him to go all night without a nursing session or bottle. Goal 2 - get him to sleep in his crib. Goal 3 - get him to sleep all night without waking. I thought DH might do this in his four months out of work. But he didn't. It came to an awful head last night at 3 am.

DH wrote me this letter and slid it under my door -
I couldn't sleep after our fight. I shouldn't have tried to give Bugaboo a bottle. It just seemed like it wasn't working as far as him sleeping. I should have asked before I let him see it. I guess I was a little aggravated because you had given him to me screaming and he got worse after he saw you leave the room……as far as the other things I said, I shouldn’t have brought it up in the middle of the night. I feel like everything I’ve done since I lost my job has been less than par…I’m sorry for yelling at you last night. I was angry and I shouldn’t have been.

My response -
I do not expect you to be perfect. I do expect you to try. When you lost your job we both talked about how you would be able to work on getting Bugaboo to sleep through the night….Four months later I am not seeing any effort on your part We decided earlier last week to really try. Your first night and you gave him a bottle. I read the book and reviewed it with you. Despite working, I took the first several nights. While he is not sleeping through the night, he is making progress. Last night you took him and within 5 minutes you were giving him a bottle – undoing nights of work. I do not expect perfection, but 5 minutes is hardly trying.
The reason I took over night shifts lately has less to do with your effort than your attitude. You get extremely frustrated when things don’t go well. It makes me very anxious when you start yelling and cursing. Last night you followed me all over the house yelling. Even when I went in the bedroom and slammed the door, you came in – then stood there with arms crossed yelling. I went into Bugaboo’s room to change his diaper and shut the door. You followed me – opened the door, and stood blocking the doorway with your arms crossed. You said you were not leaving even when I told you to Get Out! You said you would stand there all night. I felt trapped and scared. I was able to get to the bedroom and shut the door and lock you out – then laid there wondering if you’d pick the lock or break the door. I will not go through that again. There are not second chances on this. Do Not try to intimidate me or refuse to let me get away.
I am not expecting you to change overnight. I am expecting effort. You haven’t even raised the issues in counseling so I see no effort. I’m tired of being the one subject to your cursing and yelling, your inability to say “no”, last choice when you have “free time” and last choice in everything.

This morning he did apologize for yelling and blocking me in - after he read my note.

Last night scared me - not sure how much is normal fear and how much is childhood-issue fear. But I do not intend to be put in that situation again to find out.

60 Minutes

2010-01-27T16:55:00.008-05:00

Well there is 60 of the most frustrating minutes of my life. I want to scream, cry and stomp my feet. I settled for blaring the horn at the idiotic driver in front of me as I drove back to work.

DH (not so "dear" husband at the moment) and I had a joint counseling session today. Part of our homework for the Bible marriage study we are doing at church was to ask your spouse for 3 things they don't particularly like about you/what you do. So I suggested combining the counseling session with the homework. I asked DH to write down the issues he saw with our marriage. I would do the same. When we met for the appointment, we shared notes in the lobby.

I suspected, and was correct, that the assignment would reveal lots. DH wrote down two items - (1) hunting; (2) when I (Enola) amplify problems. My list was much more extensive and in-depth. As I wrote before, DH sees the trees and I see the forest. My main issues were (1) priorities and selfishness; (2) boundaries and trust; and (3) being content when there are differences of opinion.

DH had conveniently forgot (again) that a huge issue is the fact that he will promise me something and then break that promise if it means having to stand up to someone else. He forgot to mention it at his last individual T session; he forgot to list it; he forgot to bring it up. I think he wishes this issue would shrivel up and die.

When we walked into the session, DH said he thought things had gotten better and we were doing pretty good. Hello? Are we living in the same house? I told you to "Get Out" over the holidays. I discussed separation. Have you forgotten? Yes my attitude is calmer and more upbeat. Hunting season is over so you are slightly less selfish. I made a commitment to stop fighting in front of the children. And I'm tired of having the same arguments over and over - so I quit. I can not (and I have repeatedly tried) make you understand. You don't get it - whether that is because you do not want to or are incapable - I don't know which. So I pressed "pause" until we could get a T appointment and tackle these things there. That does not mean I am happy or that things are better. It means a band-aid has stopped the bleeding. We still need to treat the wound.

So what does Dh do? Focus on hunting - why, what you get out of it, how often you should do it. WE HAVE BEEN OVER THIS A MILLION TIMES!!!!! It is not about hunting. It is about your attitude. It is about your infatuation with something that takes you away from family and family obligations. It is about all of your time, talent and efforts going into hunting. It is about this thing that consumes your every waking moment, every conversation, and defines your happiness. Until you get a deer, you pout. If you would simply schedule a hunting trip, go, and come back happy, life would be grand. Hunting is like a drug to you - you are on a high, needing your next fix and miserable when coming down off a bad trip.

DH would not SHUT UP. I swear I could have fallen asleep and he would have kept talking. He went on and on about this uncle and that uncle and this event and that. It really doesn't matter whether you were 10 or 12 when you first went squirrel hunting, but maybe 16 for deer hunting and blah blah blah. Again he gets so caught up in the details (trees) that he misses the big picture (forest). We did talk about how my family put their hobbies ahead of me and how that plays into my reaction to his hunting. DH nods - okay there is the "answer" to MY problem. What will he do with that? NOTHING - because he does not know how to get to that step.

We made another appointment for 2 weeks. I think I'll have to be less nice and polite. I just might have to do less resisting of the urge to kick him and let lose with a big whack and a "shut the hell up and stop rambling already." I might have to call his bluff on "forgetting" about the trust/promises issue. I might have to cut out the nice language and lay it on the line. Feelings might get hurt. My inner bitch might have to come out for awhile..............or I might just retreat and do/say nothing and live in misery longer (yes, that is my issue).

Hit her Back - bullying

2010-01-22T10:07:00.003-05:00

My husband mentioned to me that another child on the bus had hit my daughter, on more than one occasion. The Mama-bear in me came out. Husband said he told Munchkin to "slap the crap out of her."

I'm not opposed to self-defense. I want Munchkin to feel okay about defending herself and fighting back if the situation warrants. On the other hand, I want her to have other options too. And I don't relish the thought of dealing with suspensions for fighting on the school bus, although I would if I had too.

I talked with Munchkin. I suggested that Becca stand up and yell "DO NOT HIT ME" and then walk forward to sit near the bus driver. Munchkin told me she couldn't yell on the bus or get up and move seats. I was trying to explain that she sure could - this was an exception to the rule. She started getting upset so I dropped the subject.

Husband called the school and talked to them about the situation. Munchkin said that the bus driver moved Becca. So hopefully that takes care of the immediate incident. However, it concerned me that Munchkin got so upset about standing up for herself.

So last night in the car on the way to cheerleading I was talking to her about it more. And playing "pretend" - what if someone hits her? touches her privates? Steals her book? I discussed yelling "NO" and "STOP THAT." Munchkin kept saying, "but we can't yell on the bus. Or move around."

At one point I got a real fierce voice and said "Munchkin, it is NOT okay for someone to hurt you. That makes me mad. I'd want to hurt them. You are my baby girl and NO ONE hurts you."

She said "really Mama? What would you do?"

I said "well I'd want to kill them or beat them up. No one hurts you and I will do whatever it takes to protect you."

She was silent and I think it made an impression.

I went over again things she can do to protect herself - yelling, screaming, moving, whatever. And that most of all, she needs to tell me or another adult - over and over until the problem is solved.

The whole conversation made me think about how we teach kids, consciously and subconsciously. Sure she needs to follow the rules of the bus. But on the other hand, there are always exceptions to rules in emergencies. I think that Husband and I are going to try some "practice" sessions with Munchkin where we pretend she is in a situation where she needs to react and see what she thinks she might do. I sure want her to be prepared. Any of you other parents have ideas?

Seeing the Forest for the Trees

2010-01-14T20:54:00.006-05:00

After our horrible fights over Christmas break, Husband and I have been getting along a bit better. I think it has some to do with our sleeping a tiny bit better, Husband picking up some odd-job hours working with a friend, the kids being back at school/daycare and me being back at work. I've also just decided that I need to quit engaging in the same fights over and over. Rather I am waiting for our joint counseling session to hash things out. And a huge help is that HUNTING SEASON IS OVER. Yeah! I survived yet another season.

So I had my individual Therapy session last week. Husband had his yesterday. He came home and told me that he did set up a joint session. He and his T discussed hunting. No mention of the issues with boundaries, choices or his parents. He "forgot" about those.

Forgot, my foot? That's a convenient way of avoiding discussing that issue. But fine, if he would rather discuss it in a group setting first, I can go along with that.

If Husband is asked why we are appearing in a group session, he will say (1) hunting and (2) his parents. Those are the big trees in our way. But he is missing the forest. The real issue is not hunting or his parents. It is (1) time management and priorities and (2) boundaries and choices.

It's not about his hunting. It is about his putting all of his time, talent and effort into hunting. The fact that he puts all of his time and energy into hunting. When asked why he doesn't put as much effort into family activities, he makes excuses.

It's not about his parents and whether or not his brother is allowed to chew tobacco in the house. It is about the fact that he and I made a joint decision to have a no tobacco policy, but when it came time to enforcing it, he just couldn't confront his parents. He (once again) chose to keep the peace with parents over sticking to a decision he and I made jointly.

Husband said last night he thought things were going very well lately. I informed him that the problems and issues were still there, the feelings were still there and my lack of a pissy attitude was due to a committment to try to make a happier environment for the kids. In other words, we still have work to do. And you, dear husband, need to start timbering some trees out of your way so you can see the forest.

Tell me Your Thoughts

2010-01-05T07:49:00.003-05:00

I saw this sight on my drive into work this morning. Beautiful pink and purple sunrise with a ray of pink shining vertically down. Does anyone else see stories, thoughts and ramblings in nature? If so, then play along with this exercise.

Look at the pictures, form your own thoughts, and post them as a comment. I'm curious to see what it says to you (no fair reading anyone else's comments first).

It is 2010 whether I like it or not

2010-01-04T14:38:00.003-05:00

So it is January 2010 and time to set goals and resolutions, right? As much as I say I won't be sucked into engaging in such forced changes, I do it every year. I have to admit there are some changes I would like to make. So in no particular order my aspirations are -

Lose Weight and Work Out - I stepped on the scale this morning. Ouch. I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I re-committed to weight watchers and paid the joining fee. I also ordered a Wii-fit. While the expenses were more than I hoped, it is certainly cheaper than replacing my wardrobe, yet again. So far, so good. I have a friend that has joined with me and we will try to hold each other accountable.

Get Busier - that sounds odd, but Husband and I have a better relationship when we are busier and have a set rhythm, routine and schedule. I guess the better thing to say would be to get into a pattern. Mondays he will have Bible study. Tuesdays I will be teaching a Bible study. Wednesdays is mid-week service. Thursdays Munchkin has cheerleading. Fridays are free. Saturdays through March, Munchkin has a game (cheerleading) and Sunday is church. So Mondays I will be home with the kids and have "me time" after they are in bed. And Husband will have the same on Tuesday. On Thursdays we can take turns having one-on-one time with Bugaboo versus dropping Munchkin off and heading to the coffee shop for some free time.

Work on Marriage - I realized, with some outside perspectives being given, that I'm turning into a Nag. I'm determined to stop that. Husband and I are trying the Love Dare marriage series at church. And we'll sign up for some marital counseling. It's do or die time for our relationship.

That is it. I could write more but I want to focus on quality versus quantity.

What about you? Anything you are working on?

A Winding Rambling Update

2009-12-28T12:19:00.003-05:00

In no particular order -

Christmas - I had a great Christmas. Munchkin was super excited about presents and had to be reminded often about the real meaning of Christmas. Bugaboo was most interested in the wrapping paper, but got into the toys once they were assembled. Munchkin's big toys were a pogo stick, roller skates and an art easel. She has inherited her daddy's artistic ability and is quite good at drawing. Bugaboo got an inflatable ball pit with balls that he delights in throwing everywhere, lots of cars and trucks and a train set. I got a scrapbook table and some other odds and ends. Husband and I bought a Wii as a family gift and have been having fun with it.

Renovations - my sister and her crew are visiting this week. It's always tight adding 5 extra people, plus her dog. So we decided to make the finished part of our basement into a rec room. I went to Roses, Big Lots and the Dollar Store. Spending just $150 made a huge difference. We now have throw rugs on the floor. One is a princess castle and the other is a racetrack. I bought a "coffee table" which is really 3 fabric bins with a table top, on rolling wheels. Perfect for holding blocks and games. I moved all my old papers and stuff onto 2 shelves and organized the desk and my scrapbook stuff. This freed up 4 shelves for games and the kids' toys. I bought two $10 lamps (plastic) and two $10 endtables (PVC pipe). No worries about people putting drinks on them - and I don't care if they get beat up. There is a pull-out couch, a space heater and a big bean-bag chair. Now it looks really homey. I hung old curtains and put Munchkin's easel by the window. Her table and chair set is down there too. It is a great play area and will feel less like a basement when we have visitors.

Visitors - my sister and her crew arrive tomorrow. My sister and BIL are not getting along well. They are sort-of separated. For economic reasons, BIL is living at home, but in their basement. He works second shift and weekends. So he stays downstairs until my sister leaves for work and the kids are off to school. When they get home, he has left for work and doesn't get home until they are in bed. On his one day off, my sister goes to an evening Bible study. On his other day off, he takes the kids out and does something. It is working for them, but difficult during the holidays or when the kids are off from school. They are in counseling - individual and family - and trying to work on things, but not sure of their prognosis. Anyhow, they are all coming down to visit. Sister will sleep in the guest room with her daughter; BIL will sleep in the basement with the two boys. My mother is supposed to come too, unless the weather gives her an excuse to skip out. I last saw her this summer. Mom last saw my sister 2 1/2 years ago. My sister's kids barely know her. The youngest was 4 last time he saw her and hardly has any memory of her. It's going to be awkward for sure. Mom is coming Wed and staying to Thursday (she can't possibly take any time off work after all). I have a therapy appointment set early next week to deal with any fall out.

My Marriage - well hunting season is over which means Husband's attitude should start to improve. He's already talked about how committed he is to finding a job now. We continue to do our own things. My being off from work for the holidays equated to him spending several evenings and one full day hunting. With Bugaboo's lack of good sleeping habits, we haven't shared a bed or bedroom in 3-4 months. Husband keeps talking about sleep-training Bugaboo but hasn't yet - I'm not pushing it. Husband continues with the negative talk, put-downs and talking to me like I'm stupid. The day before Christmas Eve I told him that I was tired of things the way they were and we needed to make it through the holidays and then seriously decide where we were going with our relationship. Husband says he's draw a "line in the sand" and that he is "not changing." I can appreciate his honesty. I guess the ball is in my court now to deal with things as they are or do something about it. The thought makes my head spin.

My Health - I'm tearful a lot. Not sure if is depression or just my sucky marriage, or what. I'm sad a lot, so that makes sense. I've gained well over 50 pounds and have doubled my clothing size. Come New Years Day I've resolved to eat better and lose weight (long with millions of other people). I need to work out more - exercise does help my attitude. On the day after Christmas, Husband left to go hunting. I took the kids to see the new Alvin Chipmunks movie. In my attempt to make a bottle really hot so it would still be warm 1 hour later at the movies, I used boiling water. The bottle bag burst and I spilled boiling water all over me. I now have second degree burns across my stomach. Ouch! They have blistered. I went to the health clinic today and was given care instructions. The practitioner cautioned there might be scars but seriously, who am I going to be baring my belly too?

Situation - I'm on the outskirts of a situation where I see an elderly gentleman acting inappropriately with some pre-teen girls. I've made my concerns known to the appropriate people. I've run a background check (clean) on the guy. I've talked with the parents. My friend had a run-in with this guy and her daughter. Grew appropriately concerned and has limited/stopped contact. She shared her concerns with the appropriate people too. Everyone else thinks we're over-reacting and this guy is just a lonely man who is acting as a surrogate-grandparent to these children. The situation freaks me out. I've had nightmares about my suspicians being proven true. There isn't really anything else I can dob but keep my eyes open, keep my kids away and pray.

Extended Family - I received a card from one step-sister; emails from my other step-sister and step-brother. Nothing from the "boys" - not even an email. My grandmother sent an email to sister and I saying that she was only sending out cards to a few select people. Guess we weren't one of them because I didn't get one. I did get a small email acknowledgement of the gift card I sent her. My great-aunt sent me a wonderful card with a long-handwritten note. That was nice to get.

And Now - back to work. I work today and part of tomorrow. Then off the rest of the week to be with family and celebrate New Years.

Hoping All my Blogging Buddies have a Wonderful New Years and that

2010 is a Great Year for All of Us !

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T00:04:00.001-05:00

I wish you and yours the best during these Christmas holidays!

Beautiful Christian Sister

2009-12-21T08:43:00.001-05:00

I saw this recently and had to share. I love the message.

BEAUTIFUL CHRISTIAN SISTER

By Maya Angelou

'A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ
That a man should have to seek Him first to find her.'
When I say.... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean living;'
I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say.... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,
my flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain...
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou;
I'm just a simple sinner who received God's good grace, somehow!

Pretty is as pretty does... But beautiful is just plain beautiful!

Two Perfect Days

2009-12-19T13:30:00.001-05:00

This picture is from our trip to the park very early this morning. It started snowing yesterday morning. School closed early and Munchkin was sent home. I picked up Bugaboo and came home myself. We bundled up in our makeshift snow clothes. After all we don't get enough snow to keep boots and snowsuits handy. Plastic bags over socks work in a pinch.

We play in the snow. We sled down the small hill in our yard, throw snowballs and laugh. When we go in, we start a fire and warm up. I nap in the chair with Bugaboo.

It snowed all night. We woke up to 8 inches of fluffy white stuff. Munchkin was awake before 7 am, insisting I said we could go sledding first thing in the morning. I guess I forgot to clarify it needed to be daylight first!

About 8 am we bundled up and drove, slip-sliding, to the nearby park. Husband told me I couldn't possibly sled down the one steep hill. "You Southerner!" I replied. I hopped on the sled, put Munchkin in front and whee ...away we went, squealing all the way. I think I screamed just as loudly as Munchkin. Bugaboo didn't much like the sledding but he did enjoy throwing snowballs and watching everyone. For awhile I forgot I am mid-30s and played like a kid. That will hurt tomorrow!

We came home and Bugaboo and I came in to hot cocoa (me) and warm milk (him) . We sat in front of our huge picture window, enjoying the sun, and watching Munchkin and Husband build a snowman. Then we got sleepy so we went in and napped on my bed, with the sun streaming in the window. There is something magical about napping in sunlight reflecting off snow.

In another hour, I'll go out and take a turn shoveling the drive, while giving Munchkin another run in the snow. Husband will start a fire and we'll snuggle up with hot chocolate and homemade chocolate chip cookies (I can be domestic sometimes). We'll giggle at Bugaboo standing up so proud of himself and encourage him to walk. Later we'll tuck two exhausted kids into bed.

It's a great day.

Sigh of Relief

2009-12-15T14:31:00.004-05:00

He got one - a deer, that is. With a gun this time.

I'd like to think the whininess and pouty-ness will end, but I know better.

Last night he announced he was going to use the $$ his parents gave him toward Christmas to pay for before/after school care for Munchkin. That way he could go hunting. I told him Wednesday and Thursday were no good this week. He starts whining about how the weather might not be good Tuesday (today). I told him the weather was not my problem.

After repeatedly asking me if I was sure Tuesday would work, and my repeatedly telling him that I would not object to Tuesday (what he really wanted was for me to give him my blessing and be happy for him going Tuesday), he decided to go.

So then he asks me to email Munchkin's teacher that Munchkin will be in before/after school and should not be put on the bus. I tell him he can do it. He says, "but I can't." I told him very calmly that I was not going to stand in his way, but I was not going to enable him either. He didn't like that very much.

We yelled back and forth and I finally said, "Look I hate you and hunting and I am not going to enable that any more."

He thought I said I hate YOUR hunting. There is a difference in my opinion. I don't mind him hunting. I hate the way he gets and hunting - his obsessiveness.

So anyway, he usurps Munchkin's time on the computer to try to email the teacher. Why he didn't just handwrite a note and put it in her folder, I don't know. Instead of logging my account off, he clicks some button ends up on my Enola account. In the subject part of the message he writes "Munchkin will not ride the bus."

So he sent the teacher an email from "Enola" listing my blog address. Great....now the teacher knows my blog name and that I'm crazy.

Husband said he thought my attitude "stunk" because after all, he did cancel his job interview to stay home with a sick Bugaboo. First of all, I was in court or I would have come home so he could have gone to the interview. Second of all, it makes no sense for me to jeopardize my job so you can go to an interview for a job you might (or might not) get. Third of all, that is your JOB as a PARENT. You don't get some sort of reward or sticker for that. So when he said he earned the right to go hunting I was livid.

He'll want to tell me all about the killing tonight. I don't want to hear it. When hunting becomes less important than family I might show some interest. Until then I'm not interested.

You go girl

2009-12-13T15:36:00.003-05:00

Random Friday Vents

2009-12-11T07:50:00.002-05:00

My mouth still hurts from where I bit the out of it after a root canal. The protective skin coating is off and it's raw. Ouch. My jaw still aches too. I really miss coffee but it hurts to drink it.

Munchkin's sedation dentist procedure was moved up to TODAY. I'm glad it is getting done with. I hate that I'm not there and I'm on pins and needles waiting to hear. But Bugaboo is sick with a fever. Well he had a fever yesterday. None today but daycare has that darn 24 hour rule. So Husband is taking both kids with him and I hate being stuck here at work.

(He just called and "it was tough" but she did "okay." She was crying that she wanted Mommy but I told her about the movie and she was better)

Daycare found someone to purchase our spot from Dec 28 - Jan 16. We keep Bugaboo at home and they pay to use our spot. Great since Husband is unemployed and the only reason I haven't pulled Bugaboo completely is that I'm afraid of losing the spot permanently. Except now Husband has a second interview on Monday and they're talking a Jan 1st start date. UGH!!! Him possibly getting a job is great news. Now what about daycare? Luckily I have a friend that offered to take him starting Jan 4th but I hate to ask that of someone. Grrrrr

Husband thinks that because I wrote him a letter "unrestricting" his hunting that he can go all the time and I'll just twist into all sorts of shapes accommodating him. I have tried to be accommodating - paying for daycare for Munchkin so he could hunt all day; cancelling an attorney event we were to attend; rushing around on a court day to accommodate him. What do I get? A pouty, juvenile, foot stomping baby who whines because he (1) missed a deer, (2) didn't see a deer, or (3) shot a deer but couldn't find it. Well guess what? I'm tired of your crap. I put it in writing and am giving it to him to discuss with his Therapist. What is my incentive to accommodate your hunting more? I don't get a thankful, grateful, happy husband in return. So screw you - I'm taking Munchkin and we're going to the movies tonight (a reward for surviving the dentist). Sorry that interferes with your hopes to hunt yet again (4th time this week). It's not on the calendar (despite repeated requests) so I'm going on with my own plans. Plus I just can't stand to be around you right now.

I'm bummed that Husband's interview made it neccessary for him to cancel his therapist appointment on Monday and that he couldn't reschedule until after the holidays. I might have to kill him before then.

I'm tired of crazy clients making threats. We have 4 people on our 'watch list' now that have targeted my group.

Munchkin has been on her best behavior since I "threw out" her gingerbread house kit last weekend. The Elf on a Shelf has been working wonders too. I have her convinced that Elf reports to Santa about her behavior every night. I wonder how I can incorporate this into all holidays. If she is really good this weekend, I think the Elf might bring her a new gingerbread house to work on.

Dental Nightmare

2009-12-09T12:48:00.003-05:00

After jaw surgery, braces, appliances, and numerous fillings, I have had to adjust and learn to cope with dental appointments. They are not easy. I certainly miss my xanax, but given that I am still nursing, that is not an option.

Munchkin and I both started with toothaches last week. She has six cavities in her mouth right now. The poor thing inherited my weak enamel. Neither Husband nor I are thrilled with her pediatric dentist. She doesn't explain things very well, including why the need to rush and fill baby teeth. She just wants her money up front and then delays with giving us the paperwork so we can process the claim.

So we decided to try making an appointment for both me and for Munchkin at my dentist. He is great and his daughter (also a dentist) is wonderful too. Off we go. Husband meets us there. I go in my room and Husband and Munchkin to theirs next door.

My dentist comes in and explains that things are worse than expected. I need a root canal. Good news is that he can do it right then. Hmm.....go home and live in dread till the next appointment BUT plan ahead and take the xanax with plans to just pump and not nurse ... versus...get it over with now. He promised to numb me extra good. And to extent I trust any male and any dentist, I trust him. He lets me loose to go check on Munchkin while he sets up.

Lo and behold, Munchkin needs a mini-rootcanal. I forget the technical name. But it is a molar and since it is hurting her, we need to preserve it. If it gets pulled, then we have to have a bridge type thing put in to keep the spacing until her grown up tooth comes in. They don't use sedation there. So we talk and decide to try.

I go in and am getting numb and I hear Munchkin crying. The assistant leaves and comes back to say it was just munchkin getting numb but she's okay now. Okay, I want to cry when I get numbed too. So I'll try to relax.

We are almost done my stuff - which was not so so bad, when I hear more crying and screaming and "I want my Mommy!"

I come out of my chair. The dentist gets to a stopping point and lets me go. I go in there and they are trying to drill. She's numb and I know she can't feel it, but the vibrations and sounds are too much. Husband is trying to reason with her. The dentist and I lock glances and the dentist shakes her head. We're done. I grab Munchkin and the dentist gets us a referral to a pediatric dentist next town over that will do sedation dentistry.

The dentist was great. She told me that she would work with children that are doing "cooperative crying" - crying but relatively calm and cooperative. But she was not going to hold a child down or force anything. All that did was traumatize children and teach them to fear dentists.

I carried Munchkin back in to sit on my lap while I finished up. She didn't much like the drilling noise when they were working on me either. But I tried to be really brave and not clench up while they did it.

The dentist praised Munchkin a whole lot for her getting so far. She got a game and then a milkshake on the way home.

I have an appointment next week to finish up the root canal and do another filling. Munchkin has an appointment in two weeks with the pediatric dentist for hers. I also have pain meds to take for the next few days since the pressure on my jaw from dental procedures is tough for me to handle. I'm still drooling too.

I certainly don't wish pain or discomfort on Munchkin. But I am so glad I was there when she called me and needed me. I am glad she knows she can yell out for "mommy" and that I'll be there. I'm glad she knows that I (and her father) will stop unnecessary procedures and look out for her best interest. I'm glad she knows that we will not hold her down for dental exams. I'm glad I'm able to get over my fear enough (or cover it up enough) to be there for her.

I wish my mother had been able to do that.....

But Mommy, all the bad guys are black......

2009-12-06T12:46:00.001-05:00

I told my daughter it was time to go to church and to get moving. She started whining about leaving her piggy bank money out and that the bad black guys would come get it.

"What?" I asked. "What did you say?"

"The bad black guy robber will come take my money," she repeated.

"Black guy? Why would he be black?" I asked her.

"But Mommy, all the bad guys are black," she explained in that exasperated tone of voice that conveys, "don't you know anything?"

I took a deep breath as my mind raced to think where on earth she had gotten such an idea. The news? Her grandparents?

I tried to explain that bank robbers, and all robbers, came in all shapes, colors, sizes and sexes. She kept shaking her head, "No." She kept explaining, "They are all black, Mommy. All of them."

Husband came in and we both tried to explain to her that all black guys were not robbers and all robbers were not black guys. We weren't getting anywhere. I kept asking where she heard such a thing. She replied, "the news....and Martha speaks."

"Martha speaks?" I asked. Martha Speaks is a cartoon. One of the few I let her watch because I actually think it teaches some good things. Had I been wrong?

"Yes mommy. The robber was all black. Head to toe. Like that mask thing Daddy wears when hunting."

"Huh? Oh wait? You mean a ski mask? Like a hat that covers his face?" I asked.

"Yes Mommy," she sighed, rapidly losing patience. "The one all the bad guy robbers wear. With their black shoes, black pants and black shirts. Oh and black gloves. Then the black mask. All the bad guys are black guys. So no one can see them."

"Ahhhh," I said, the light finally dawning, "so you mean the bad guys WEAR all black."

"Yes Mommy,that is what I said," Daughter explained. "Do you get it now?"

Yes I get it. My adult mind assumed the worst. I forgot that kids are supposed to be innocent, and that mine are. I forgot that they aren't growing up in a house where people are judged by skin color. For a minute there, I wondered where I had gone wrong in teaching her. Then I learned it was me who had gone wrong in assuming the worst. I'm glad I was wrong. I get it now.

Boundary Crossing

2009-12-02T06:01:00.004-05:00

Sister and I took a very long walk while at her house. It was a great time to catch up. One thing we discussed was boundaries and the inevitable crossing of the line that occurs. We talked about the fact that she and I are very similar and have trouble enforcing our boundaries.

I have had to learn to set boundaries. Rules and boundaries stir up a whole myriad of emotions. On the one hand I feel the need to have rules. On the other hand, I wasn't allowed to have boundaries growing up so I'm not sure what is appropriate and what is not. When my boundaries were crossed and I commented, I was laughed at. So I retreated and backed down. I still do that.

If you've been reading long, then you know the gun saga. If not, then the brief version is -- DH thinks guns are necessary for protection. I'm not a huge fan. Before we had kids, he kept a loaded gun in his dresser or on a closet shelf. When Munchkin started to walk, we made changes. The first issue was when I found Munchkin playing with the gun cabinet keys at 18 months. The keys were in the open gun cabinet door. She was interested in the keys. I was mad the cabinet was unlocked and unattended. DH & I had words and I told him it was unacceptable. Years later I found an unloaded rifle in the basement where he put it instead of putting it up after hunting. I told him if it happened again, there would be no more guns in the house. Then there was the big incident where I found a gun (he claims for protection). Husband and I created a written contract which we negotiated and signed.

So with first incident I make clear is that no guns are to be left out, unlocked. He then crosses the boundary by leaving an unloaded rifle out in the basement. I confront him and he defends saying it was unloaded and Munchkin isn't allowed in the basement unaccompanied at that age. I relent. Then there was the huge incident where he left the weapon unlocked in his dresser drawer. Boundary crossed again. He wanted a second chance. I made the contract with him and urged him to buy any gun safe he wanted. He finally bought a gun safe.

So then last week I discover he is leaving the gun safe unlocked at night. Boundary crossing. I noticed it when he did it. I shut it and told him not to do it again. He says he puts his keys in the safe so he'll never forget to lock it in the mornings. He says he's in the room when it is unlocked so it's okay. But I know he doesn't always need his keys first thing in the morning. I know 90% of the time he ends up on the couch or downstairs because we're switching off baby duty. I know that the kids love to crawl into bed with me (or him) and that they can reach the safe. I know Munchkin tried to access the safe recently because we keep her money inside it too.

~~~~screech~~~~

I just let him violate my boundary, cross the line, break his verbal and written word. My thinking was that it was a "little" issue because I discovered it immediately and he quickly agreed not to let it happen again.

Two nights later I had a horrible nightmare that Munchkin was standing on the bed looking out the window and noticed the safe open. She wanted to count her money (we keep it in the safe until it accumulates enough to put in the bank) and moved the gun to count the money. The gun fell and went off, just missing Bugaboo who was playing on the floor. Horrible dream. Not outside the realm of possibilities though.

I'm not sure what to do now. Do I give him one more chance? I already have, really. Do I go back and insist the guns get out? Do I talk to him and let him know he crossed the boundary and while I may have let it slip, it's weighing on me?

Sounded like a good topic for this week's T session. So last night I discussed that with T. As well as the fact that Husband has still not enforced the rules with his parents. His father promised to build a gun safe and put his guns in it. He has one safe, but insists he needs some guns in the basement - they hang on the wall now.

I sat down with Husband last night and handed him the written agreement to review. He denied it being a violation and tried to argue a loophole. I tried not to act all "lawyerish" but pointed out that it was really clear that this stuff wasn't allowed. He finally conceded it might have been a gray area, and that he had read the contract to see if he could argue his point before doing the actions. I managed not to blow a gasket at that. I suggested next time there was a gray area that he discuss it with me. I told him I would not tolerate my boundaries being crossed again. I also told him that it would be wise to discuss things with his folks when he goes in this week because Christmas is coming and he surely wants to take the kids to his folks' house then (which won't happen if the gun issue isn't resolved).

So he's going to have to talk to his parents which will be really difficult for him. But he has his T's number so it's on his plate now. We'll see what happens.

Thanksgiving with my Family

2009-12-01T06:00:00.001-05:00

I wrote about the fact that my step-sister was invited to Thanksgiving dinner at my sister's house. We read on facebook that there were some problems with the visitation exchange of her daughter. So we wondered if that would effect the plans.

We never heard from her. Sister and I were not terribly surprised. I'm not sure if it is the habit of not depending on others or what.

We later heard that she got "caught up" at an event with her friends. That's all we heard.

I was a bit disappointed. Only because it would have been nice to see her and catch up. Honestly, the biggest thing was my desire to fish for information about her relationship with Toilet and things that I remember. Some of it I'm sure she told me before, but I was so "out of it" as a child that I would like to hear it again.

What I found really interesting was my mom's reaction to the news. Sister told my mom that Step-sister was invited. My mom initially said, "Sister you just need to put your foot down with Enola and stop letting her invite people." I don't know where that came from, except that I have met up with some people at my sister's house before. But Sister never cared. I think it was just the first thing that came out of mom's mouth. Sister said Mom shut up when Sister said it was her idea. But Sister could tell Mom was pissed.

It's not like Toilet has a relationship with his daughter. I think Mom was afraid of what we might learn and how it might affect things with her. I wonder if she told Toilet and what he said.

I find it interesting to see the reactions of mom and other family members when we dare to break the childhood rules of "don't talk to anyone."

PSA - Foaming Toothpaste

2009-11-30T14:49:00.005-05:00

PSA - Public Service Announcement

We travelled to my sister's for Thanksgiving. It's nice going to her house because I don't think twice about using her towels, shampoo, hair dryer, etc. It sure cuts down on the packing.

So we get there about 10 am and after driving all night, I really want to wash my face and brush my teeth. I head up to the bathroom and somewhat, bleary eyed, start to brush.

Gag, yuck, blech

This toothpaste is foaming toothpaste.

As you begin to brush its invigorating Micro-Active Foam releases thousands of germ killing bubbles that shower your whole mouth- teeth, gums and breath.

Iso-active™ transforms into microfine foam during brushing, penetrating hard to reach areas to thoroughly clean the whole mouth and soothe the nerve.

Basically this stuff grows in your mouth. It is reminiscent of getting my mouth washed out with soap as a child.

I have issues with a strong gag-reflex as it is. Sometimes it makes teeth brushing difficult. This stuff is horrible though. Even a tiny little bit grows and grows and grows in your mouth. I kept spitting and couldn't get it rinsed fast enough. I really thought I was going to gag/choke on the stuff.

So a PSA for all of you survivors or anyone with a strong gag-reflex, do not try this product at home -- or anywhere else.

Blog Carnival - Prevention Issue

2009-11-24T13:07:00.002-05:00

The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is up here. Be sure to check it out.

And Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Road Trip - connecting with New - Old Family

2009-11-23T16:29:00.001-05:00

I leave tomorrow night/Wed morning at around 2 am for my sister's. I am super excited. We've found that leaving at 2 am works well. The kids go to sleep and generally wake about 6 am which gives us almost half the trip under our belt before we stop.

For the last two (or maybe three) years, my sister and her crew have come down here for Thanksgiving and we've gone to my in-laws. This year we're doing it differently. We are going up north to her house. Then they'll come down here for New Years. Husband has not missed a holiday with his family in a long time so that has taken some adjustment on his part. It's been 4 1/2 months since I've seen my sister and my niece/nephews. Far too long in my book. I don't like going this long without a visit.

We're planning on an early turkey dinner to accommodate my BIL having to work. Then we'll do dessert with my step-sister. I wrote about her here. I got curious one day and looked my step-siblings up on facebook. Their last name is extremely unique. Lo and behold there they all were.

The oldest is seven days younger than me. The middle is 2 years younger than me/6 months older than my sister. The boy is 5 years younger than me. He looks exactly like his father. He's a junior so they have the same name too. That took awhile to get used to. I'm still taken aback when I see him.

The oldest and youngest live in another state near their mother, who is still married to the guy she married after Toilet. The oldest has two children. The youngest just got married. The middle one, who I'll call Marie, and her daughter live near my sister. We found out she was going to be alone for Tgiv and invited them up. This should be interesting.......... I told my sister that we probably would have to call Toilet by his given name.

The two youngest have zero contact with their father. The oldest sends cards and pictures on occasion. Interesting to see how the oldest (me, oldest step-sister and oldest of dad's adoptive kids) have all fallen into the same roll of maintaining some sense of family at all costs. I wonder what Toilet thinks of the pictures - his oldest is dating a handsome African American guy. She has two adorable children, both are bi-racial. Will he see past the color of their skin to see that they make a wonderful looking family? Will he see that the children look like their mother/his daughter? Will he have any pangs of longing for being cut out of their lives? Will he think dirty thoughts about the children?

I'm excited to see Marie and her daughter. She does not have contact with her father either. She said they were supposed to get together about the time Toilet and Mom moved down here, but he never called to set it up. She said she got tired of forcing the issue and gave up. Marie and her daughter look just like her mother (Toilet's ex). I wonder if that has anything to do with it.

I wonder if Toilet has seen pictures of his youngest - his namesake. At first glance I thought he wasn't too bad looking. Then I saw a picture of him without a baseball cap. Poor kid is prematurely balding just like his dad. And boy is he the spitting image of his father. It's hard for me to see pictures of him without a hat. When his name pops up I have to take a deep breath. I told him I'd never call him by his real name - always by his nickname.

Sister and I told each of the kids that we have no contact with their father. When pressed I used my standard "he's not appropriate to be around children and it is not safe or appropriate for me to have him around my children." They've not pressed the issue, which alone tells me what I need to know.

I wonder what we'll discuss at my sister's. I wonder if word will get back to my mom. I'm not open with my mom. I don't lie, but I don't offer information either. My sister doesn't hide things. So she'll tell my mom who we met up with. Now that ought to be interesting. Mom tells Toilet - hey my kids had Tgiv lunch with your kid and here we sit all alone in our house. I could feel sorry for them but I don't.

My Turn - Confession

2009-11-20T08:15:00.005-05:00

Confession - I am one of those pre-teen screaming high pitched girls trapped in a 34 year old body. I pre-ordered tickets to New Moon. I did, at least, have the sense to recognize that I'm too old to see the midnight show and am waiting until 7 tonight. I'm really excited!

It started when I was on maternity leave and looking for something to read. A friend told me I had to get into the Twilight series. I wasn't interested. She said it brought back all the good and innocent childhood love feelings. Bored, I decided to give it a try.

Four books and one movie, about $80 later, I was hooked. I never buy hardback books - heck I rarely buy books anyway. I usually borrow them. I never buy movies either. But I own all of these.

So why the craze? Why the question - are you Team Edward or Team Jacob? Let me try to explain for you non-Twilight fans.
Edward is a vampire. He is tall, handsome, flawless body. Because he is a vampire, he has cool, pale skin and low body temperature. He is the ultimate romantic. He is very intelligent. He has a great head on his shoulders. He is into the arts and even writes his girlfriend a love song, which he plays on the piano.

Jacob is a werewolf (more accurately a shape-shifter). He is bigger and broader. Warm-bodied. Dark hair, darker skin. He is hot-blooded with a temper to match. He is fierce. He's the consummate "bad boy."

(Edward on left ---------------------- Jacob on right)

Jacob is more physically appealing to me. Something about him being akin to a big teddy bear. There is a scene where Bella is stuck in the cold woods and Jacob uses his wearwolf warmth to wrap around her. Hmm a personal snuggly blanket. I've also always been attracted to dark hair, darker skinned men - the six-pack abs don't hurt either.

I like Edward's personality better though. I'd really like to morph Edward's personality into Jacob's body.

So Husband and I were talking about this movie and he asked why the obsession? He noted that he doesn't usually see women drooling over "half-their age-men" like this. Why the difference between this movie and others?

The difference is this - while I appreciate the six-pack abs, that's not the real attraction. Johnny Depp is supposedly the sexiest man right now. Blech. A hot man with zero personality does nothing for me. The real attraction in this movie is the theme of the Protector.

Jacob and Edward fight to protect Bella. While they both are in love with the same woman, they can put that difference aside to protect her. They fight for her. They are tender in their protection of her. It is that which is attractive to me.

I want the idea of a man who will stay up all night (like Edward) watching me sleep. Just sitting in the corner protecting me. I want a man (like Jacob) who will wrap themselves around me to keep me warm when we are stuck outdoors. I want a man who will take me to romantic meals. I want a man who will sing me lullabies that he has written just for me. I want a man who will ferociously attack the goons in the alley that try to hurt me. I want a man who will lay down his life for me.

The other attraction in this movie is Edward's family. They aren't related in the usual sense. They are a group of vampires brought together because they have a common bond in staying hidden in society. But they are the true sense of family. The fight for each other, pick on each other, but would die for one another. It's that bond that is also attractive.

Lastly, this brings back good childhood memories. Back when romance was innocent. Back when being attracted to boys was a giggly, flighty thing. I don't have many (any) memories of that. But sitting through these movies is pretty close. This movie is about innocence. There are no sex scenes. There's no raunchiness. It is about pure, sweet and innocent love. The kind every young girl fantasizes about (if they've not had those fantasies destroyed). It makes me connect with what could have been.

So where will I be at 7 pm tonight - watching the latest in the Twilight series. I'll be one of those high-pitched squealing women in line with my pre-ordered ticket. Yee-haw!!!!!!!!

He Got a Deer - or did the Deer Get Him?

2009-11-15T21:49:00.003-05:00

I got the call about 8 pm Saturday evening. I had just thought to myself, "he either shot a big deer or is running late." When the phone rang, it was not a number I recognized. I answered and it was Husband's voice saying, in broken up fashion, "hit...deer...buck...truck...side...road....can't drive it....called 911." I kept saying, "are you okay?" Over and over. He kept repeating his words. Finally I yelled at him, "Shut up - are you okay?" He answered me and said he was fine. Then I could focus on the rest of his words.

I loaded the sleeping kids in the car and took off to drive the 20 minutes to the crash site. Husband was driving down the interstate going about 70 mph. The buck jumped the guardrail and Husband hit it (or it hit husband) straight on. The air bag deployed and somehow, by the grace of God, Husband was able to avoid hitting anyone else and get the truck off the road without hitting the guardrail. He tried to flag people down, but several other vehicles hit the deer too. They were able to drive their cars up to the service station where the trooper took their info.

Husband finally flagged someone down who helped him call a trooper (Husband's phone had flown somewhere in the truck and he couldn't find it) and me. This very nice guy and his wife waited there with Husband until I got there. Husband said it was very scary having cards whiz by going 70-80 mph. He was worried someone would hit the deer carcass and swerve into him. But he couldn't risk darting into traffic to move it.

It looked worse in the dark last night. But really it's just the front end and bumper. No engine or transmission or radiator damage. The tow truck came and took it away.

This morning revealed that the truck is not totalled as we feared. Our insurance company has been awesome. Today we went and purchased replacement car seats. Apparently they need replaced even if no one is occupying them. Tomorrow we get our rental vehicle.

So today the jokes were flying - you got a big buck, huh? Did you keep the rack? Now that's an interesting way to ground up your venison!

I'm just glad Husband is okay. He was pretty shaken up after we got home. We're both thankful the kids were not with him.

So the score is - Husband 0; Deer 1

Family

2009-11-13T11:34:00.003-05:00

With facebook I've been able to catch up with lots of childhood friends, and even some of my relatives. I get to see pictures of them and their families. Recently I've become more conscious of the feelings stirred up when I see the pictures.

I see pictures of families laughing - not those forced smiles that appear in my family photos.

I see the same people in the same photos through the years - not changing faces every year as new boyfriends, girlfriends and others come in and out of my life.

I see candid shots - instead of posed and forced pictures.

I see holiday shots with parents having fun - not the look of "how much longer must I pretend to like these people?"

I see pictures of parents and kids partying and having a great time, without the knee high stack of beer cans that appear in my family photos.

I read captions where kids poke fun of their parents and parents poke fun of their kids in a absolutely funny fashion - not the sarcastic mean comments that would appear on my photos.

I see families hugging, arms thrown around each other, laughing and obviously caring for each other - sometimes rabbit ears or faces made behind someone - not the "oh my gosh do I have to touch them" pictures of my family.

Sometimes the photos make me laugh. Sometimes they make me cry. Often they make me wish I could leap through the photo into that family.

I Know what I do NOT want to be when I Grow Up

2009-11-10T07:37:00.003-05:00

I spent a good part of yesterday crying in my office. I'm having to cover for a child welfare attorney who is out of the office. I didn't expect to have to do much other than sign a few documents. Instead I got pulled into an emergency meeting first thing yesterday morning.

Two babies, one not much younger than my own. A call to EMS because the youngest is found unresponsive in a bathtub, where the #^(&% parents left he and his sibling unattended. Who the hell leaves two children under 2 in the tub alone? The baby was airlifted to our children's hospital where he is in a coma with a 1% chance of survival. I got to work on the paperwork, and see the pictures of this adorable little baby on all sorts of tubes.

There are the complicated legal and medical tidbits that serve to distract me for a few minutes - no evidence of water in the lungs, so what happened? If he didn't drown, what caused it? Can we prove the parents did it? Is leaving a child alone in the tub alone enough to take custody (I decided it was). Parents want to take the baby off life support, so do we take custody before then (in which case we have to make the DNR decision) or leave custody with the parents and let them be responsible - do they deserve that responsibility? Will it haunt them the rest of their life like it will if I have to do it?

All I can say is hug your children tight. Be very thankful to those that have the calling to work with abused children - it is definitely a calling and not something I want to do. If you're the praying type, pray for this little one. There was a slight improvement over the night in his condition. The next day is critical. And remind me that murder is not legal so I need to keep my hands off the parents.

I Could...I Should...

2009-11-08T14:52:00.003-05:00

I could write about...I should write about...

Husband's first and second therapy appointment - and the progress (or lack thereof)
The major differences between men and women - I'm talking Grand Canyon size chasms here
three pediatrician visits in two weeks - ending with flu shots for everyone, antibiotics for Bugaboo, and the start of a long winter
finding out Husband went over his cell phone minutes again. Last month it cost us $66; this month $103.
how my language denigrates dramatically when I'm pissed
how sick kiddos mean no sleep for mommies
the pride felt when you attend your first parent-teacher conference and learn your Kindergarten child is on a first grade level and the top reader in her class
how much saying "you're sorry" sucks after you've name-called
how you realize your marriage might just be worth saving when your husband shows concern for you -- and when you catch your son having a "daddy snuggle" moment and then see your daughter and husband playing outside.
how you're grateful your husband has massive patience to play endless games of imagination when you are tired after the second time.
how sometimes it is a very good thing murder is not legal.
how a day in court makes you realize just how disrespectful people have become, all in the name of "tolerance" and how you just can't tolerate skimpy clothes in court, name calling, uh-huh instead of yes sir, cell phones going off in court, hats on head, sunglasses on heads and just plain rudeness.
how snuggles with an adorable baby can cure just about anything that ails you.
how open and honest communication is hard, hurts and just plain sucks -- but is necessary sometimes
how when you point a finger at someone else, you really do have three pointing back at you.
how days of hearing about parents that do drugs instead of caring for their children, have more children when they can't afford to care for the ones they have, and who lie down with dogs and then whine when they get fleas -- have caused you to become quite jaded.
how hearing your child mimic your attitude is a real eye-opener.
how you wish your husband would hear his words from his children - those don't sound so good either
how people that try to respond to every situation with humor are really annoying
marriage really does take a whole lot of work
being imperfect really sucks - no matter what another person does, you've done some wrong too. Comparing levels of wrong doesn't ever result in a good outcome for either person.

Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

2009-10-31T08:46:00.002-05:00

October's Edition is up HERE. October's host is Lynda at In the Best Interest: Child Advocacy Law. Check it out.

Finding the Balance

2009-10-29T05:41:00.001-05:00

I managed to get in for a T session today. I needed it. I was looking forward to getting some help in figuring out where the balance is between playing the "hall monitor" and "total hands off."

We talked about the decision I made with hunting (see post here). I told Husband that I was not going to go out of my way to schedule things when he is gone, but neither am I going to try to schedule everything into the one weekend he might be around. T said it was a good plan - to put everything square in his lap. Now I need to be sure that I don't react with anger when he leaves for hunting or returns. Not to get caught up in his struggle with whether he should go or not. Not to make the decision for him. But also not to run around ragged, making up for the cleaning and other things he would do if he were here. He needs to figure out how to make up (if possible) for what he misses when gone.

We talked about the pornography and my struggles with finding a balance between playing hall monitor and letting stuff run rampant in my house; between feeling like I'm overreacting and things aren't really that bad versus under-reacting and this is going to blow up in my face. We talked about how my past and childhood is blurring with the here and now. How I'm afraid to let my past totally dictate my reaction now, but am also afraid to ignore it.

We talked about what I have said and done so far. Set up some guidelines and set-ups that might work with the computer. It puts the responsibility back on Husband but gives me the ability to look and see what he has done if I need. T said that based on what I've said/done so far, I'm reacting outwardly appropriately.

My thoughts are going a bit overboard. But that's to be expected. We talked about the differences between this situation and my childhood. The reasons why I'm getting them all jumbled up and why this is throwing me for a tailspin. She made me feel okay with the fact that this inner war is going on, but also reminded me that my Husband is not Toilet. T has met Husband several times and she "knows" him pretty well through my years of telling her about him. There have also been group sessions where she's met with him. She reminded me that he has a good heart and loves the Lord. I need to trust in that - but not blindly.

I think the lesson here is to let my feelings be what they are, but to check them with my head. To let my head reassure my heart that there is a reason I married Husband and that he is getting help and reaching out. I need to remember that he is not Toilet and is not "destined" to follow some path into becoming Toilet's evil twin. I also need to keep an open eye and not ignore facts either.

We'll see how this goes...........

Torn - and a Decision

2009-10-28T12:46:00.002-05:00

I've gotten lots of comments, and some direct emails with regard to my recent blog posts. I appreciate everyone's thoughts. I especially appreciate those men who have written to tell me they've struggled with pornography too. And the women who have written me about facing this situation.

On the one hand, I worry I'm over-reacting because of my childhood issues. On the other hand, I worry that because I didn't react strongly enough (my perception) to the pornography as a child, that my failure to react led to a worsening of the abuse. See the dilemma? I'm talking with T later this afternoon.

Husband had his therapy appointment yesterday. He's minimzing - I believe he thinks that because he's talked with a few guys at church and been to one session, that he's okay. Besides I've got blocks on anything, so he's good, right?

Husband is totally in denial on the hunting. Or maybe it's not denial. He has listenened to all I say. I wrote him a very non-confrontational letter. He admits the points I make. He just doesn't see the big deal. Today he asked, "isn't it better for me to make a choice, than for you to dictate rules?" I could have argued about being a dictator of rules. But I chose a different tactic. One I'd been contemplating a bit.

I told him no rules. No holds barred. He can hunt wherever and whenever he wants. All I ask is that he write it on the calendar, and if it is when I am working or have plans (per the calendar) that he make child care arrangements. I'm tired of being seen as the dictator. I can't force him to choose me or the family. Let him choose what he wants.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not going to play second fiddle or allow my family to be usurped by hunting either. But when a co-worker and I were discussing being hunting widows, she mentioned finally giving up. She said, "you know what? Things run smoother when he's not around. The kids and I have more fun. There's less tension. We can enjoy time more when we are together, and the kids and I are really close."

She has a point. I love spending time with the kids. It's his choice whether or not to be a part of this. If he wants to go off and hunt, rather than hang out with the children and I, then so be it. His loss - not mine. And if he chooses to hunt all the time, and I learn to cope as a single parent, well ........ Ultimately he is responsible for the relationship he forms with me and with the children. I can't force him to enjoy the activities the kids enjoy or to do them. He'll have to face the consequences of his choices later. All I can do is be the best wife and mother I know how.

I Blame Pornography - Lighbulb Moment

2009-10-27T06:42:00.003-05:00

You have to have read this post here in order for this to make sense. As I wrote that post, I had a sense of de ja vu. I looked back and voila, I have written about porn - Toilet connection before. I have also written about my reaction and how I think he liked it. I know now not to blame myself for how I reacted - it was a child's innocent curiosity. But I also know that Toilet was looking for someone that would stay silent and I did. In my mind, I blame pornography for the abuse. I see it, and my reaction, as the catalyst that started it all.

Husband came home last night to say that he found out someone else in his church group is struggling with the same issue. He talked about how it's very common and other people have done worse. blah blah blah

I talked with Husband very calmly this morning. I told him that I was not the person he needed to be talking to about this. If he wants to discuss plans to ensure it doesn't happen again, that's fine. But I can not be the person he talks with about what he's learned in counseling and how others struggle. All I hear is excuses. All I hear is "it's not that bad" and "everyone else is doing it." I told him to talk to friends about that. He again told me not to talk to anyone. I told him very calmly (can you tell I had counted to 10 and done deep breathing first?) that I would not be silenced - that I had spent my entire life being told to shut up and keep quiet. After walking away and coming back, I told him that I was not going to be taking out billboards or going around gossiping, but that if I needed to talk to someone, I wasn't going to refrain from doing it. He'd prefer (of course) if I stick to my "unreal" (AKA online) buddies and not anyone he might have to see (like my sister). Too bad for him. I am not going back to the old way of life of trying to remember what everyone knows and what version of reality I need to be remembering with which person.

He said he definitely didn't want his family knowing. I'm not planning on telling them. His cousin is supposed to stay at our house this weekend since she's working over the weekend at the plant location near our place. I told Husband I wasn't planning on telling her - but that I wasn't planning on hiding the fact that we have separate bedrooms or aren't exactly the happiest couple on the block. He'll just have to deal.

The Past Coming into the Present

2009-10-27T05:55:00.001-05:00

I got a call at work mid-morning. Husband had been offered an interview - it couldn't wait until tomorrow. The issue was that Bugaboo had a low-grade fever and we kept him home. Plus Munchkin had a day off from school. What to do? I came home - will make up the hours someday this week.

Husband called me on the drive to the interview, to tell me that the insurance investigator was stopping by the house in 15 minutes, instead of early evening as he previously told me. This is someone from Munchkin's daycare about her broken foot. Daycare told us he was rude and obnoxious. I made the comment to DH - "you are sending a strange man to the house to meet with me, alone?" He didn't see an issue - he was with the insurance company, after all. I ran around and picked up, finished nursing Bugaboo, changed out of my lounging (not suitable for company, around the house) clothes and debated calling DH back and demanding he change the appt. But he had handled a situation. He claims I always second-guess him and I know that's what would get thrown up at me.

After DH came home, he asked about internet availability at the library. I told him there was but he might need to apply for a card. He said that he needed me to teach him how to access our email - a temp service is emailing something to fill out and he needed to get it done for a morning interview. I informed him the email password had been changed. He said well you can just get on and get it up for me.

This is too much. I can't win. I don't block it - it's my fault. I do block it - it's my fault. I help him and I'm mothering - babysitting him. I don't and I'm inhibiting his job search. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Mom and Toilet were first dating, we spent weekends at the Berlin Farmers Market. It is an old, warehouse-type creepy dark indoor and outdoor flea market. The creepy of creepy hung out there (can't believe it has a website now). No shirts or shoes were required. We could afford stuff there. Toilet not only let us stare as long as we wanted at the pretzel conveyor, but bought us some too. There was a magazine stand - I don't remember Mom being there, but she must have been at least some of the time. Sister and I got to look at Teen Beat. Toilet looked at porn. We stood there side by side looking at our magazines. He'd make comments.

Toilet always wanted to know if I thought Mom would like something. "what do you think your mom would like?" We'd go by the lingerie shop and he'd hold something up to me - think your mom would like this?

I remember Toilet joking about some magazine he picked out for her - Big Men or something. He'd walk down the aisle with his brown paper bag. He'd put my magazine in with his and make me carry them both. We got home and it turns out the magazine was for men seeking men. It was a magazine for homosexual men. The comments and jokes he made were awful.

At 10, I went into Mom's room and dresser for something. I knew better than to go through her stuff. I found sexual toys and a ton of magazines. Sister and I looked through them. Apparently we left the drawer ajar. Mom yelled for going through her stuff. Toilet caught me in the hall and asked me if I learned anything. I smarted off - "yeah I learned men have hair down there." There was a weird look in his eyes. I think he liked my smart-mouth response.

One summer about a year later I was on a camping trip with Toilet and Mom. Sister was with Dad. We went hiking. I was a bit ahead with my dog. I heard giggling. Mom and Toilet were flashing each other and taking pictures. I found them later. Mom acting like a porn star.

There were porn movies. A friend and I put one in one time. Didn't put that one quite back right either. Mom said nothing. Toilet told me in an evil whisper, "it's okay - just put them back. Your mom wouldn't like it." It was our secret.

~~~~~~~~~~
Porn = Toilet = abuse = throw up

He makes decision about insurance which I don't like. So I can stay quiet and deal with the uneasiness of a strange man or object and get accused of second-guessing him. I can't win. I try my best but I can't. It makes my anxiety skyrocket.

When I put the lock on the computer I feel like his mother. When I refuse to help him access the computer, I feel guilty (trigger). When I get guilted and give in, I feel majorly triggered.

I had finally gotten to where I could tolerate his eating crunchy food in my presence; tolerate him walking in the bath while I'm brushing my teeth; pass him in the hall, without panicking. Now I feel like I've been set back a year or more.

I got an appointment with T on Wed. If I can survive DH wanting to discuss everything after his appointment tomorrow I'll make it.

And now I must escape to to another rroom because he is inhaling potato chips in a mouth open lip smacking way that is making me vomit.

Co-dependency Nightmare

2009-10-26T08:11:00.004-05:00

I have always hated the term co-dependent. In my eyes it was a weak sniveling person like my mother. As I read these books though, I'm realizing that I have some major codependent traits -

* trouble identifying what I'm feeling

* minimize or deny how I feel

* difficulty making decisions

* judge everything I think, say or do as never good enough

* do not ask others to meet my need

* value others' approval of my thinking

* do not perceive myself as lovable or worthwhile

* value others' opinions and feelings as my own

* attempt to convince others of what they should do/feel

* become resentful when others don't let me help

* freely offer advice and direction

* have to be needed to have a relationship with others.

Blech that sounds harsh. Some of the traits seem opposite and appear to conflict with others, but I can see how they are at work in my life.

Right now, I'm stuck in a co-dependent nightmare of trying to figure out where the line is. The apparent solutions to one issue conflict with the apparent solutions of another issue.

On the one hand - shut off the cable TV, internet, etc because Husband isn't working. Let him see that his salary is important for us to have these things. And that you have to be putting forth effort to have them.

On the other hand - will it force him to seek out other ways to find pornography? Will it further the "mommy syndrome" he seems to have where he wants to play the little boy role?

Husband wants me to check out the bank balance to see if his unemployment check cleared. I remind him he can call the 1-800 bank number. He comes back and says it gives only the amounts, not who the deposit is from. So do I look it up for him? Do I turn on the computer and put in the password and sit there as a hall monitor?

Husband wants me to put in his unemployment claims so he can get paid for the week. I say No and point him to the phone book. He can't find the claim number, just the local office number. Do I let him figure it out and risk losing the check for the week? Do I look up the number and give it to him? Or do I put the claim in for him? Do I put in the password and let him do it?

I ended up checking the bank balance online and filling out the claim for him. I hated doing the claim because I put in his answers which was "available for work" even though I know he put Jan 1st on some applications. I told him I was not comfortable furthering his deceit but he said it was "just on that one application."

I'm not sure there is a "one size fits all" answer. But I made an appointment for myself on Wednesday to try to get some help with it.

Husband and I talked a bit last night. He is all over the place. From "everyone else does it" to "it's not that bad" to "I'm glad it was discovered" to "God wanted it discovered" to "I can't talk to anyone about it" to "you knew this was a problem" to "why are you so surprised, you had all the clues" to "you should have known this would happen when you taught me to use the computer"

We talked a bit about how pornography is the result of an underlying issue. He recognizes that it is probably self-esteem. But then goes on to say "well I told this guy no this week." He thinks by doing one thing "right" that he is "over it."

I tried to open up a bit about how this is touching on my triggers but he wasn't receptive so I shut down. I think I might try to write a letter. I don't have to give it to him. But it might help me.

Ramblings

2009-10-24T08:30:00.001-05:00

After a night of flashbacks, panic attacks and finally drugged sleep, I'm not very coherent. But I wanted to take a moment to update and to thank everyone for their comments.

After work yesterday, I ran by the Christian bookstore and bought two books for women whose men struggle with sexual addictions. So far they are pretty good. I'm struck by two things. First, how many abusers start out with pornography, and how from a woman's perspective viewing pornography is just as bad as having an affair.

I went home and Husband was wrapped in a blanket on the couch. He didn't move. Didn't talk. I went into the bedroom. I had called T and thankfully she was able to squeeze me in. I told Husband I was going to meet with her. He looked a little odd about that.
She and I talked about what to do - block computer, cancel internet - is that controlling or helping? Since so much is from his need to be "mothered" I have to be careful not to take control and do it all. Decided to password protect the computer (done) and let him figure out how to do the Employment stuff on the phone or in person. Cancelled cable except channels 1-19 which are just local (no more TLC, HGTV, or A&E for me). Not so much for the X/R rated stuff but because he doesn't need to sit around and watch TV and not work. If he starts watching soap operas all TV will be gone.

She also suggested pulling Bugaboo out of daycare out for a week or at least a few days - pay for daycare to keep the spot - but don't use it. That way Husband has to take some responsibility. And she suggested I do some 1-1 things with the kids during evenings and weekends, so that Husband has at least 1 kid almost all the time for awhile. And if he is still unemployed over the holidays, keep Bugaboo out and let him have both kids for the two-week Christmas break. Even if I'm paying for the spot (to keep it and not lose it) doesn't mean I have to use it. I never thought of that. It's a good plan because he is not capable (at present) of juggling errands, housework, and the kids. He's enjoying staying home too much.

She said to give it a few days but then tell Husband two things (1) he's too good of a man to be acting like this and (2) I am too committed to our family to give up without a fight and that I was going to some man at the church to seek their help in reaching him. I'm going to have to use the shame to make him reach out.

Got home and there was a note on my dresser. It said, "Sorry about the computer thing. I have an appt with [his therapist] on Tues."

I'm grateful for that. Although I do note his apology is specific which is a deliberate thing for him - he usually just says "sorry."

Last night I cancelled the extended cable. I also looked at the computer history closely (blech). I kept his note. T suggested I check our credit cards and bank cards. I did that. I looked in his wallet and will check the safe. The book cautions against becoming a constant hall monitor and I do not want to do that. But I need to know how big this problem is before I can tackle it. And the attorney side of me is compelled to document all this (just in case).

Everything appears to be "size issue" related - some female sites but nothing that appeared hard core.. So I definitely think it is an esteem thing, more so than simply a sex thing. But T also made me see that as he's gotten sucked into this more and more, his attitude has changed. Hindsight being 20-20 I can see that. And that could be causing a lot of our issues too.

T also suggested making the finances hurt awhile - so I'm cutting out going out to eat - that's his huge favorite. Just refuse to go because "we need to save $$" No ordering out either. I need to make his being out of work uncomfy. I need to make his sit around and do nothing for awhile and get bored. One so he feels his income does make a difference but also to make him want to find work. I've been trying to keep things status quo so he doesn't feel bad about being out of work. But instead he sees things going on normal so why does his working matter? Again no motivation and a blow to his esteem.

Pornography and sexual addictions are a war. There are images everywhere. Men are so visual. Women in bikinis on baywatch become a problem. So things need to be super restrictive for awhile and then lessen up. It's like an alcoholic would never go to a party where alcohol was being served until they were far along in recovery. So I'll have to be cognizant of what I watch on TV, the magazines in the house (no more People magazine) and flyers we get (off the Victoria secret mailing list).

In the meantime, he's sleeping in the basement awhile. And I'm changing/showering/etc behind closed doors. I don't even want to nurse in front of him.

As for me, reading these books has reminded me that most abusers start out with pornography. And reminded me just how pornography played a role in my abuse. The flashbacks and nightmares have been intense. I want Husband to see what this is doing to me -- but I'm not in a place where I can do it without being confrontational or accusatory. And I sure do not want him trying to comfort me. I'm also still PISSED I'm going to have to talk about sex in front of other people.

Get OUT !

2009-10-22T20:05:00.004-05:00

(TRIGGER warning - foul language ahead)

If you have ever visited Facebook, then you know status messages start out -- Enola is ________.

Today, mine would read -

Enola is nauseated
Enola is livid.
Enola is pissed
Enola is sobbing
Enola is having a panic attack
Enola wants a xanax

I came home after a long day in court. I called and offered to pick up Bugaboo. Bugaboo is switching up to the 1 year class and I'm trying to do some of the pick up so I can get to know the teachers.

We get home and the house is a mess. Husband has worked 3 hours in the morning at daycare. Didn't bring Bugaboo home to spend time with him (another rant) but came home, watched TV and waited for the heating repair guy to come. I got busy getting food on the table, helping Daughter with homework, feeding Bugaboo, etc. Husband went and talked with the repair guy.

I mentioned to Husband, in a very nice tone of voice that it would be nice to come home to a straightened house. I try really hard to pick up when he's been gone and is coming home. That prompted a litany of what he'd done all day. Which turned into a rant about money. And how he's not looking for a job and he doesn't care. And what am I going to do about it? Well.......

I said something not so nice - I said let's list house for sale. He said then what - pay $700 for apt. I said no - I'll get an apartment with the kids - you go to your parents. He said something about, "well my theory is true." He wouldn't elaborate then.

So I get Bugaboo ready for bed and he's putting Munchkin to bed. I go downstairs to log onto the computer to pay bills. Something odd comes up and when I go to click to my "favorites" I hit history and it's all these gun sites. So I'm mad, thinking Husband is searching guns all day instead of jobs. Click "full history" and oh no, my eyes.

That fucking bastard. This wasn't an accidentally stumbled upon a x rated site. This wasn't "I typed Dick's sports instead of Dick's sporting goods." That's happened before. This is searched out, googled it, sought it out stuff. He looked at that shit with my daughter's picture set as the background picture on my computer .

Of course it's my fault. I didn't block the sites. I didn't install controls. We've not had sex in awhile. I'm on the computer too much. I'm ignoring him.

He says he has an addiction. Okay, deep breath. I can understand addictions are tough. I tell him to get help. He shakes his head. I tell him he has 2 weeks to call his counselor. "Nope," he says, "or what?" I tell him I'll have to decide what to do and he says, "my theory is already proven. You're done with our marriage anyway. You're not sleeping with me and now you want me to move out."

I tell him I'm committed to working on our marriage. I'm frustrated with him. I reiterate (for the millionth time) that I do not blame him for being laid off. I do not blame him for not finding a job quickly. I do hold him responsible for his efforts which are slim to none. He's been out of work since Sept 25th and has contacted TEN places. He defends saying that he didn't look while getting severance.

Then he admits he's not looking to get a job right now. He doesn't want to take a job where he'll have to work holidays. He mentions that Daughter has two weeks off from school and would have to do before/after school and full day care. She's done that before - she's a daycare kid. And if he hadn't have lost his job, there wouldn't have ever been an issue about that. Plus I have time off.

When I point this out, he admits he doesn't want to work holidays. He wants time off. And...da da da.......he wants to hunt. He won't take a job because it will interfere with hunting. He's been putting on his applications that he is not available until January 1st. (forget about that fact that if this is discovered he'll lose unemployment for being "unavailable for work.")

Damn selfish bastard

So - talk about choices. He has now chosen hunting over me and our family. Being lazy over supporting our family. And porn over me.

I have talked about so much personal shit in counseling. The one thing I have never talked about is our intimate life. There's not enough medication for that. I can't do it. And now I'm going to have too. I'm going to have to talk about all this sex shit - probably with him in the room too, if he'll ever go to marriage counseling. I could kill him

I message my sister. She has parental controls on her computer and her husband struggled with this. She has books and resources. She's my sister and I need someone to cry too. I'll be damned if Husband sees or hears me crying. Sister calls me on the phone instead of computer messaging me. Husband brings me the phone and says, "Didn't take you long to run and blab to her." Guess I'm supposed to keep this quiet, huh? He says, "don't you dare go talking about this to people."

He didn't dare try to come into the bedroom last night. He's permanently on the couch for now. I did password protect the computer. I refuse to be the "hall monitor." I discussed it with my sister, and she, knowing my controlling tendencies, read me a passage out of a book she read when dealing with this shit. It warned about becoming the controlling one - putting controls on computers, TVs, mail, etc. Husband already wants me to mother him. I can't do it here. I did put a block on the computer because I can't stomach the thought of porn on a computer where I deal with pictures of my kids and scrapbooking.

I've got an email and will call as soon as lines open to my counselor.